You're not fitting in...............

[starbunny]

Been in work now for two and a half months, thought everything was going Okay until I was called into the office. I was asked how I felt I fitted in and I spoke really positively about everybody. My manager told me she did not think I fitted in at all, that I was completely different to the bubbly enthusiastic (hypomanic?) person she interviewed. She told me that my behaviour was causing concern and that at times I looked not just paranoid but petrified as I was constantly looking around / behaving strangely. This shocked me as I had no idea. In fact I was making a real effort at work to hide the fact that I have been going through a hard time. She wanted to know whether I thought she should give the post to someone else.
Now this has just exacerbated my paranoia and social anxiety by 100%
I don't know what to do from here. Last appt with my CPN I remember pleading with her to allow me access to the pdoc to have my meds reviewed. I told her I thought my job was in jeopardy, meaning I would end up being too ill to work if this was allowed to continue. Little did I know it was already effected. She is now on annual leave and the crisis team can only offer me a single visit by another CPN.
I did consider disclosing that I had bipolar but I already know that that would really be the end of the job. Just wondered if anyone has overcome similar experiences. Xila - did you sort out your work issue in the end? Feeling pretty low right now, but at least I don't have to worry about 'fitting in' here :( Any advice would be welcome.

[starbunny]

Thanks! Things seem to have improved somewhat (I hope!) at work. I've also had another appointment to see the pdoc, which I am greatly relieved. I truly thought my chance to see him was gone when I turned the last one down. Perhaps things get better from here? Thanks a hundred times over for all your support and the rest who have contributed. I'll let you know how things go :)

[Xila31]

All you can do is your best! We all just have to hang in there and hopefully things will continue to go well for you.

[starbunny]

Thankyou so much for all your advice and support.
I decided that the only way I could get throught this was to go in and act totally oblivious.
So, I went in to work all smiles and and did my ultimate best to show I was not (and my work was not) affected by anything that was said, and I paid no attention (although I was aware) of the odd negative remark that would otherwise have got me down. If I keep doing this I am hoping they will forget about the 'bad' start, and perhaps get along with me? I hope :) Other than, that I'm out of ideas:(
Easier said than done though - I'm exhaused by the time I get home :( but at least (for now anyway) I've still got my job.
It's been an eye opener knowing how many others are going /have gone through the same thing, please let me know how you get on too I wish you the best of luck!

[Sick_Nurse]

I 100% know what you are feeling. At first I thought everything was great at my job (I'm in medicine of all places) and I felt SOOO good at the end of the day. I didn't even think I was reacting weird in any way.
Then my manager started asking me if I was 'ok' and looking at me strangely/worried? and that made me paranoid and my anxiety went up thinking that people thought I was crazy or something. It is a terrible cycle. It is so hard to tell co-workers about having a mental illness because really you never know what their reaction will be. You are right to try and keep a level head. I can't see them letting you go because you are reacting a little 'differently' to your environment. I've worked with 'quirky' people in the past and never considered them to be 'sick'. Hold in there!

[FXorWellQT]

Its such a relieve to realise that there are other people out there with the same problems you have. I am also Bipolar and started a new job 3 months ago, 2 weeks ago I was admitted to hospital for a major depressive episode, none of my co-workers nor my boss has any idea why I was in hospital.
I handed in a sick certificate (stating in large bold letters, Dr..... Physiatrist, that might give them an idea).
I am so anxious that I might lose my job and being so anxious causes me to feel depressed which causes me not to perform well at work, which makes me more anxious..... its a vicious cycle.
Starbunny I have to admire you for being so brave and trying your best.
Worst of all is I have soooo many bills to pay each month that if I should lose my job (Note to self: BE POSITIVE, you wont) I'll probably go to jail... not really but that's how bad it is.

[bernie40]

I know where you are coming from on this and it frustrates the hell out of me.  It's like being stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, if you don't tell them about having bipolar they don't understand why we change but if you do tell them you risk either not getting the job in the first place (and it's very hard to prove you've not been offered a position based on a diagnosis of bipolar) or losing it during the probation period.

I have repeatedly tried to return to work, I haven't yet succeeded in lasting longer than 2 months but I shall keep trying.  Either with or without medication my moods fluctuate along with my anxiety levels, a job I am perfectly capable of doing can become impossible to perform.  

It does sound as if your employer is being unreasonable though, at the end of the day are you performing your job well, that's what counts, anxiety in a new job is normal and they should take account of that.  Are you in a probationary period at the moment?  You could also say that you look around because you are interested in what others are doing and that it's not a sign of worry on your part.

May also be worth blagging it a bit and saying you've been having a few "issues" at home but they are being sorted, it might get them off your back.  Can't really think of any other suggestions.  

Just want to say though well done you for giving it your best, it's damn hard getting back in the work place and don't let this current situation set you back.

[Xila31]

I understand. When I feel like I'm a super genius who can do anything, then I'm very confidant and social. It doesn't last, though. Reality sets in and I realize I'm a human and then of course, the crash comes where you see your whole life as a failure.... >.< The cycles of it are exhausting and I'm sure other people don't understand at all what happened.

[starbunny]

No, I know you don't Xila, mistakes happen because we forget or become distracted ar have a hard job concentrating. I'm sure that it is the result of struggling with bipolar symptoms. In the last week I've left the house with the hair straightners on, left the cooker on overnight and went to work forgetting to turn the heater off amongst a few things :(

Yeah, I thought they would have made allowances for nervous behaviour too whilst I was learning. Thing is I was sociable/confident at the interview and I guess they can't understand the personality change. This is me though - I do change, I wish I diddn't but I do and there's very little apart from medication that can do anything about it :(

[Xila31]

This is not so good.

You know, I have a tendancy to look around a lot when I'm in a new environment. You know, just turning my head and looking. How is that weird behavior? And having anxiety at your new job would be normal for anyone. I don't understand.

Sounds like a gosip place, if you ask me. :(

My situation worked out okay for now. I just have to be very careful. I'm worried all the time now. :( I don't mean to make mistakes.

[starbunny]

I got offered a psychiatrists appointment on Monday as the CMHT managed to pull some strings. Unfortunately Monday is the only day I HAVE to work as all other days could be covered.. When I tried explaining that I had a doctors appointment that couldn't be changed they told me that other staff were ill too and we all had to pull together and that I could not have that day off because If I did it would create serious problems and told me to sort it out at my end. When I went back to the CMHT they told me they would see if they could sort out another appt sometime in the future, don't know when, which means waiting months. I could really cry. I have now ended up falling out with staff a day after I got reprimanded and help from CMHT is further away :( because they think If I was really serious I would have made it, when if I did I would have no job to go back to which would do my head in just as much. :(

[ILADVOCATE]

Employers (at least under U.S. regulations) are not allowed to ask about specifics as regards your disability. They can however discuss concerns about job performance in general like with anyone else. Even if a person has not disclosed their disability they can't make comments of that nature. They can express concern though without use any clinical terms. If you yourself are concerned about what's going on and you can see it is affecting your job it is worthwhile to speak to your psychiatrist and if they are not available have them refer you to another one in the meantime and it is definitely worth discussing that you feel your current treatment is not helping as it should and see if they can make any adjustments or changes. If you need to during this time you can request a sick leave with a doctor's letter.