No judgements...I've been there. The hypomania...euphoria when being with the other person...the guilt...suicidal ideation and self harm...the inability to let go when everything in your mind tells you that you have to...the visits to the therapist and psychiatrist endlessly talking about the same thing...the feeling that nobody gets it and no one understands.
First and foremost, as others have said, you have to adress the suicidal ideation. It's hard - i know it is - but you have to find something to hold on to. for me, it's a picture of my boys that I carry around with me. So far, it is the only thinig that has stopped me even when I am moments away from carrying the thoughts out. find something to hold on to that will stop you even in desperate times.
As for the relationship - carrying around three relationships on your heart and shoulders is undubtedly weighing you down - your marriage, his marriage, and your relationship with him. In those moments when you are away from him, examine your marriage - what is missing that you find in him and can that ever be corrected in your marriage.
To think with a clear head, you have to find a way to find distance from this man where his touch can not disrupt you. I know that's hard - unbelievably hard because it is something you crave...but you have to mindfully try. The distance will help you both think. It will give you the opportunity to think about your marriages...what you want from them...what you want from each other...and where the affair is going 1 yr, 2 yr...from now...and if you are willing to pay the price.
It's not easy friend. In fact, it's hard as hell. Your emotions and mind are involved and both are in conflict. Add into that the Bipolar tendencies...and it is just plain hard. Remember the saying - you change nothing if nothing changes.
You deserve to be happy - not just in the moment but lifelong. Try to keep that in mind and work towards those changes that will get you there.
Wow! Ok, I think your pdoc needs you to be placed under observation for your own good, regardless if he/she will treat you in the hospital. The suicidal thoughts are the most concerning. You can't solve anything if you are not here in this world.
I believe part of the bp is sexual addiction, especially if you are in your twenties or early thirties for a woman.
At home, is everything alright. Are both of your needs being met? How long have you been married? Is it a good marriage and is he supportive of the mood swings of bp.
If you are seeing him at the hospital, ask to change floors or different hospitals.
Why would you feel like killing yourself over a man, much less one you just met?
Being bp does not mean being codependent. Where else might the suicidal tendencies be coming from?
Are you on medication? Is your partner that you're haiving an affair with aware that you are bipolar? If you don't mind, I would really like to talk to you in private? If that is something that you might be willing to do? I will PM you.
Well we have some websites linked up for clinically accurate information but hypomania is a lesser version of full blown mania. The person is sped up but has some sense of self control. Rapid cycling is when a person changes from manic to depressed in a short time instead over the long term as is more common. It can happen within a few days or within the same day even. There are also mixed states where a person has some competents of mania and depression at the same time such as an agitated mixed state where a person has the speeded up quality of mania but the down quality of depression so they seem angry at the world but that's just one example. You could ask your psychiatrist more about all this.
I do have a therapist, I do have a psychiatrist I just saw monday from the depression of stopping the relationship and the impact of these feelings...because I was suicidal he wanted to baker act at that time however, he does not do hospital rounds and he would not be the one to treat me, he encouraged me to return tuesday but I had to work...I told the dr. I would see this man on tuesday........and it did happen, all it took was one touch from him.....we are both married.......tell me more about hypomania and rapid cycling
I'd be more concerned about the mania and suicidal ideations than the relationship issue. Maybe you want to end your current relationship because its not right for you. But those feelings can be caused by bipolar and it would be worth speaking to a psychiatrist about and you could discuss any of the other issues with a talk therapist.