memory Loss

[JPW19]

For a little while now I have been experiencing black-outs. I do not drink or use drugs.  Even things that tht have happened that I actually remember seem like they were dreams. I have troulble differintiating if they were real or not. My manic and depressive episodes seem to be under control...as much as they can be,  Most times when I black out i don't even know that i have. But I come to with injuries on different areas of my body. I can't explain it. I first was very adament that "I am not crazy and did not do this to myself!"  I was absulutely terrified! I had welps and scratches on my back that were very deep.  
If I have been having memory loss and some blackouts, I obviously would recognize it at the time. After talking to friends and famly members, I began to question myself. Had I done this to myself during a black-out and not realized it?
An instance like this has happened to me before. I was atacked in my backyard by a burglar and beat up.he ran off, but came back a while later and attempted to rape me , hurting me in the process. i managed to get away. The police did not believe me, and after they talked to my family they didn't either. I felt so alone.  After some time, I realized that it too seemed like a dream,and the horriblr realization set in that i might have done it to myself in a black-out with out realizing what i was doing.
I talk to my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully we can shed some light on this. But i am terrified. But, I am sared of the 'blackouts' and what might happen next time. My paranoia has returned, which in turned triggers some of my obssesive behaviors.
I am so scared, isolation has become a must. I feel I am being pulled apart from one way to the other; when all i want to do is be at the top of the world!!
No matter what happens, never forget you goals!
JPW

[JPW19]

My therapist demanded and 'family session' yesterday. I don't even remember her talking about it.  She talked to my Psych. (who is out of town for a month) That I need to be in outpatient program...at least. Some of the things that have been going on with me are too frightening and embarassed to even utter to anyone else. I can't believe that I told her these things.Anyway, So I am going to out-patient assessment. I am no rookie at this, This is just their sneaky way of getting of getting you in as an in-patient. Oh, well, I've done it 5times, what is one more. At least it will give me a chance to get away from the madness at home.  Anyway, Thanx for your concern.......thanx to you too 'pdr7686'

[pdr7686]

I have had memory loss, also. I have talked to friends on the phone and not remember it but later they tell me that it did not sound like myself. I do not understand this. I have had hallucininations. There was a time I was to appear in court and did not. Thank goodness they had not ordered a court order to pick me up and my cousin which is a Detective stopped this action and had it rescheduled.

[JPW19]

Thanks for letting me knoe that I'm not the only one with these blackouts/memory loss.Half of my days feel like dreams. I can't tell if they really happened or not. It is terrifying.My therapist was very cncerned and had my fanily come in for a session.I have had hallucinationa here and there, but not enough freak  out about. Recently I have have hallucinations, and audio that that are are very upsetting. In the hospital (at one of a couple visits) The therapists told me I was Bipoal with Szchiaophrenic tendencies. What ever that mean.  That was a long time a ago, and now sxchiso. keeps popping up.
I'm so glad I found thid web site! It gives me an outlet, and a chance to discuss with great people lile you!.. Thanx!
J

[Southernyankee]

I know a few years back I had hit a all time low with my bipolar, it was out of control. I was taking 18 prescribed pills a day.  My memory was shot.  I forgot a court date, sentenced to 45 days in jail due to it. I forgot my son, who was in 4th grade at the time, at school, and the principle ended up bringing him home at 9pm.  Would have conversations I couldn't remember having.  Would go to town and when I came out of the store couldn't remember where I lived, not only where but what state I was in.  Telling you all this to let you know I completely understand, memory loss can is a devastating thing to go through.  I kept telling myself and everyone else I was not crazy, even though I felt that way.  Was in and out of mental hospitals that year, about 3 times.  I can tell you though, I got through it and so will you. Be patient with yourself and your bipolar.  Above all, don't think less of yourself because of what your going through, hang in there the best way you can, and it will get better.