I always feel so alone in the world like I watch everyone else be a apart of it, and I stick out like a sore thumb. I cry to myself sometimes and whisper to myself, it's okay you have yourself, because I feel so alone. I hate my friends and family sometimes because of small things that seem big to me at that time, like if they were hanging out with someone else when I wanted to hang out with them, I'd feel jealous and angry with them for it or for no reason and don't want to be friends with them anymore. Other times I love them so much, want to hang out with them all the time, want them to need me, want to have their company. It's really frustrating because sometimes I can feel like I'm being two faced but I can't help but hate them and then love them from one day to the next. I feel like nobody really cares even if they say they do. I can get times where I feel happy, excited and euphoric for no reason and then feel so low and depressed and worthless the next. I can't explain how different I feel. I feel so different sometimes I think maybe I might not be human. I have also had what I can only describe as 'mixed episode' (Bipolar) Energetic, happy, depressed, suicidal, racing thoughts and anger all at the same time. I know there are cases where people have BP and BPD so I'm not sure.
I think I may have anxiety as well. I haven't gone to school in 2 weeks, 4 weeks if you include the holidays. I get panic attacks and I hate crowds. I am constantly tense, sweating, my mouth is always dry and my heart is always beating fast. I get anxious over everything. I'm so worried and paranoid about being judged, I know people judge me but sometimes I feel it very intensely. I hate meeting new people because I am so scared they will judge me, laugh at me or thing I'm strange.
Another thing is hearing and seeing things that other's don't. I went through a bad phase with this were I heard kids screaming, gunshot, doorbells and we don't have a doorbell, seeing things, hearing people calling my name 24/7, hearing noises, whispers. I only hear sounds, noises, people calling me sometimes and feel as though there's something trying to get me. I feel like there's something lingering near me sometimes but I know there isn't. I smell things others can't as well.
I SH but haven't in about a month because I saw a psychiatrist briefly and she told my parents those things, because I'm only 16, I am considered a minor in Ireland. I hate all these things so much, I'm too scared to go certain places where there is people I don't know or am not close with, in fear of being judged and looked at or getting a panic attack and not being able to leave the situation. I can't do things because I have no motivation and just want to stay in bed and be away from the world but at the same time I don't want to be alone, I want to have company, feel loved and wanted, be sociable and have a life.
I heard of something called a quiet Borderline, I feel like if I did have BPD, I would definitely be a quiet Borderline.
Instead of acting out, they act in. Which I do. I get so angry and agitated, I do act out when angry sometimes but not badly. However when I'm alone I scream, shout, I go red, my vein starts to pop-out on my forehead and I get a headache and feel so exhausted. I feel like a time bomb and if I didn't have panic attacks and wasn't so anxious. I would be an acting out. I also don't often disagree with people because I don't want them to get angry at me or stop being friends with me. I see the world in a deeper way than others. Everything seems to have a meaning or at least in my head it does. I can't take criticism well, because I can be so sensitive. Someone say's anything remotely bad it stays with me forever. Any little thing can cause me so much stress and make me really depressed.
I've never been good friends with anyone for longer than 1-2 years except one friend which I am so grateful for. But I find myself waiting for her to leave, or for us to stop being friends cause it's so weird being friends with someone for 5 years. I mean 5 whole years, yes fights but still 5 years, that's along time for me.
Anyway, I would really appreciate an opinion on what you think. I would really really appreciate it. Please help, It may be another while before I see a psychiatrist.
Just please help.