I'm 25 weeks pregnant, and I want to die. I'm just desperate right now...to not hurt my baby anymore than I already have. I've been so bad lately and it must be affecting her because she's not kicking as much. I've always wanted a family, but I never thought I'd have one. Never thought anyone would love me enough to want to have a baby with me. But it happened...and at the worst possible time. I'd just stopped snorting heroin a MONTH before I got pregnant. Funny 'cause the reason my boyfriend and I quit the drugs was we were happy together and wanted to work toward having a stable life and a family together...in a couple years...not in 9 months. So we aren't ready. I knew it'd be really hard for me, having BPD. He was supposed to be the rock in our relationship, but he's not much better off...at least as far as maturity goes. And he's all I have. I don't talk to my family because they are the root of my issues. And I'm not close with his family because we've only been together since September...which sounds bad, but he really was the best thing to ever happen to me. Or so I thought. See, I initially didn't want the baby. I just assumed he'd be on board with abortion, given the circumstances. But he was so happy about the pregnancy, and he insisted that we could handle it and it was gonna change our lives for the better. He didn't understand how hard it was gonna be for me being the baby grower, and he didn't anticipate what the next few months would have in store for him/us...getting arrested, losing his brother to an overdose, losing his job because the previous two things affected his performance. So even if he wanted to be there for me, he really couldn't. And while I understand his stress level, it wasn't helping mine. Everything's just been bad. There were some other things with my family saying I got pregnant on purpose (absolutely not!) and later saying I shouldn't be a mother...those were the triggers for the really bad funks. This one's just horrible. Last night I cried so hard I started screaming...at like 4am...nooobody heard me though, or I might be in a psych ward right now. I've been sort of arguing with the boyfriend off and on for I guess weeks now...about how we're not ready and I can't handle it and we shouldn't be together, etc. He's been really stressed, and I genuinely feel terrible for putting him through this...but I just think I'm being realistic. Even in my saying I want to kill myself after the baby's born because I can't take care of her and I won't be able to live with myself after giving her away...is realistic, to me. He kept saying he wanted to help, he'd do anything, blah blah blah...but the things I've already said I need, he hasn't done. He won't, he can't, whatever. He wants me to switch meds (I left lexapro for lamictal because I also have epilepsy) and talk to a therapist...but years of that proved to be a waste. I need direct support that can't be given. And with my now ex boyfriend telling his friends that I'm a crazy ***** and I wanna leave him with the kid, well I just feel like I'm wrong no matter what I do. I was pushing him away anyway, I wanted him to realize he's better off without me and we just shouldn't be together. I never said it was his fault. It was bad timing. I needed time to work on "me" first. He said he'd take the baby instead of giving her up. But he made it out like I was just gonna dump her on him and run off. That's what really kills me. And even after, he more or less denied what I read with my own eyes and insisted that he just wants to help.
This could have been more organized...I don't even know if I had a real point...I haven't been sleeping much so I'm kinda zonin' in and out.
I've resisted all urges to hurt myself except for one "cutting" in the very beginning, after my sister said I got pregnant on purpose. I used to punch myself in the belly, aiming for my uterus, because I wanted to destroy any chance of having kids. And I hit myself in the head a lot. But I haven't done those things. I don't want to hurt my baby. If I could safely take her out of me and give her to someone else, I would. I haven't been taking care of myself, haven't been able to quit smoking. I'm worried that she'll be messed up like me. Regardless, I can't take care of her. I'm all alone. I get freaked out sometimes just knowing she's in there, and I feel so bad for making her...I wanted a daughter so bad, since I was like 15 (now 27.) I just wish it hadn't happened now. I really don't know what to do. I just wanna wake up last year.