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16098029 tn?1445283760

I can't f*cking take this...

I've long-since been diagnosed with BPD, and the symptoms, if that's what they are, have destroyed my life. I've burnt every bridge. The only people I ever loved have left me behind because for some reason, the way I expressed that "love" looked a lot more like neglect, emotional abuse, lying, manipulating, cheating, stealing, and controlling. I'm 26 and I've been "starting my life over" pretty much every five minutes since I was like 13. I'm so ******* alone. Never get to see my kids...I could go on and on. I feel like swallowing a razor-blade more often than not. I can't eat. I'm addicted to hurting myself. What am I supposed to do? Tell me I'm not the only one.
3 Responses
10507163 tn?1442319914
It makes me sad to hear what you're going through, I have BPD and I know I'm probably going to hit the floor when this high is over. The last 6 years have been intense for me, I've gone from alcohol to weed addiction, undereating to over eating, stealing to cheating, happy to sad, depressed to suicidal, cut to burn, boy to boy trying to find someone that makes me happy when most of the time its me sabotaging everything in the first place and more...
However, I'm on medication again and I think its helping so things don't seem as bad for me right now, but everything is temporary so it'll probably. Maybe the medication is helping me cope with things better though, are you on medication? If not then it might help, I'm on Abilify which is often used for people with BPD because it helps with mood swings and as it is an antipsychotic it helps regulate thought and judgment, and may reduce anxiety, paranoia, and hostility.

Are you receiving any treatment/ therapy for BPD?
  

621217 tn?1289009087
Your not alone...
16208097 tn?1446108219
You are by far not alone. I haven't gotten the BPD diagnoses, but I have the anti social, ptsd, narcissistic, anxiety disorders diagnoses that has disabled me.
I have been a drunk, an addict. Lost my kid. Went to prison even. I've done every kind of destructive behavior known to man.
Medication is a must, sorry to say. Yet there is no such thing as a happy pill
You have to take it everday, at the same time. It takes awhile before you get the right kind, at the right dose. It doesn't make me "feel" any better, but it does reduce my episodes of being outta control.
At around 26 is when I had repressed childhood trauma resurface. Now years later I can look back and see that is when I 'began' the journey of getting my life together. Even though my backfalls were huge (like going to prison) it was the beginning of realizing the cycles I went through, and changing my thinking about them.
Those recodings in our mind have to be recognized for what they are. We have to stop proving to ourselves that we deserve the pain we have, cause we don't.
We do deserve happiness, and until you make that a priority in your life, its gonna continue to be difficult. Learn how to take care of yourself. Learn about the things that you like that make you happy. It was the hardest lesson for me. It felt so selfish, especially when you have kids that you feel you aren't taking care of. Once you go thru getting to know yourself, learning to take care of yourself. Learning to be ok in your own skin. Learning to actually like being alone. (let me tell you, it is so much easier to make yourself happy than to make others happy ,that I could have remained single forever) but I now have been happily married for 18 years, have another son who is now 13.
It's only because of those 5 years alone that I am able to have a healthy relationship now.
So please be ok, get some mental health help going. Get your meds on board, and change your thinking about life.
Who cares how many times we have to start over, just be grateful that you can. And always remember it could be worse.
Forgive those who have wounded you, and forgive yourself for wounding others. Drop it all this time. The guilt, the remorse, the anger and bitterness.
Leave all the bags behind when you start over this time.
And try new things, and ways. Be kind, and find peace. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself!!!
Sincerely,
deniseporter

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