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Borderline Personality Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

husband bpd?

Hi,

I have been with my husband for years. It started as a long distance relationship, i must note that we met in person the first time.

It started out good, he was very romantic, writing poetry for me, we were crazy for eachother. He was also my first, the first serious relationship that I have ever had. But we were always on the phone and when we were together we were always out together, always close and physical affectionate to eachother. I just felt like he was the one and did everything I could to be wih him. He took care of everything for me when together and tried hard to make it nice with he little he had.

The were two sides of his personality, the was the good romantic sensitive side and there was the jealous and paranoid, at first i ignored it being in love and all. With time it got worse, he accused me of cheating, looking at other men all the time.  

When we were not together in person, he wanted to know anywhere i went calling all the time and getting angry all the time. He wanted me to ask before going out and was angry if i was "late" to call him, and he would threathen to leave me if i didnt listen. After he would say sorry, and be so sad and be so nice to me for some time. It was just because of his love for me, i should try to understand him, nobody could ever understand him as he says, he is just so afraid to loose me. When we were together he once accused me of sleeping with his brother and got angry when wrong numbers called me or people knocked the door by mistake. We vould be fine, but all could change in one second if he got an idea and he would look so sad and angry. He even became violent a few times. He eould always come back after being like this, crying, taking me in his arms.

His upbringing didnt help. He has a poor relation to his family. He doesn't know his father, his mother let him with his grandmother and he didnt know this until he was maybe 8 or so and his grandmotger often hit him. He grew up in a arabic culture so he also had some different views.

I left it was to much. I left for one year, not because i stopped loving him because i still did. But i couldnt live like that. I missed him in this time. He would keep calling me crying, he lost a lot of weight, he was very down, went to a therapist, he smoke a lot of pot in this time(i didnt know until recently) and he keeped promising me to change and telling me he understood. I didnt meet him in person through this 14 months.  

Buy we got back together. I missed him constantly and i thought maybe he had changed. Now its been about 7 months we have been together. He is nothing like before and i am more free. There is still some jealousy and he smokes ppt occasionally which i think is very serious, he is still afraid of losing me and has said he would kill himself when he thought he would loose me. I left again, but came back, i dont know what is wrong with me. Since there has been nothing like that towards me, just the occasional pot and beers and he is lazy and unmotivated. I start to be very easily annoyed with him and he is just mostly okay with that, I dont understand it.

The good in the relationship is we are attracted to eachother, very physically affectionate, we often have fun and nice times together.

The bad is the pot and if we can overcome all from the past, his abuse and all that.

I dont know if this sounds like bpd? I know this situation sounds crazy and I sound stupid, i feel like my life is fine my only unbalance is this relationship. I love him and miss him but he makes me crazy after to much time together and after sometimes apart i find myself in his arms again. is there any hope for a situation like this or does it sound beyond fixable?
1 Responses
Avatar universal
Hey Lara0102,

I'm so sorry you're going through all this! It sounds so confusing and frustrating. Don't worry - the situation may well be crazy but you're not at all "stupid" and this is NOT your fault!!! I'll try to do my best to answer your questions to help you get the info you're looking for.

So, basically you would like to know - from a borderline - whether it sounds like your husband has BPD, and if so, get an opinion on whether the situation is potentially fixable?

I am a diagnosed borderline and I'll give your question my best shot.

I'd tentatively say that based on this description, your husband does sound like he may be a borderline, with possibly a couple add-on ASPD symptoms. (Most people with personality disorders have a “grab-bag” of symptoms and don’t fit neatly into just one diagnosis). I’m obviously not the last word on this, though. It's really important to get an official diagnosis.

On whether it's possible to fix your relationship:

Well, the BPD can probably be cured (with a couple/few years of hard work and weekly DBT therapy). I’m not familiar with ASPD therapy. I think the key there is personal motivation.

The abusive behavior should go away insomuch as it's related to the BPD - which is probably an awful lot. Again, I don’t know much about ASPD treatment.

Either way, it goes without saying that until he receives treatment, the relationship will very likely continue to be a very unhealthy - and potentially physically dangerous - environment for you.

Let me point out a few things I'm concerned about, that you may or may not see, as a non-borderline:

I'm concerned that he seems to be falling back into more extreme abusive behaviors - with his (classic borderline+ASPD) suicide threat.

I'm concerned that it's possibly just the marijuana that's (temporarily) mellowed out his temperament and inclination towards violence.

I'm also concerned that he may be (consciously or not) slowly lulling you into co-dependency. Which would be another classic ‘Cluster B’ move - and potentially devastating in the long term (for you).

Again, I'm so sorry to hear about this... I hope I haven't stepped over too many boundaries in my armchair analysis.

It would be a really good idea to visit a psychologist yourself and talk through this. It’s a very serious situation/decision. And you may be able to get professional clarification from them, on your husband's symptoms/possible diagnosis. Much better/more reliable source than me!

I really hope your situation gets better soon! You have so many great things going for you and anyway you deserve to be happy!

Please respond with any q's you want.

Take care; stay safe!
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