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How do I cope with the guilt I feel after euthanizing my aggressive cat?

I got my cat Southpaw from an old roommate that was no longer able to keep her. She was about 2 when she became mine and I just recently had to put her to sleep over the weekend at age 9. I am an animal lover to the MAX. I worked as a veterinary technician for almost 10 years and have basically put my animals first my entire life. South paw was a very high strung cat from the moment she was born. She adored being around people and 90% of the time was happy, healthy and "normal." In the beginning she coexisted peacefully with my two other male cats, Tripp and Diesel.  Until about 2 years ago, her occasional outbursts and anxiety were manageable. I believe that the moment everything changed was an episode she had of redirected fear aggression. I lived in an apartment and would allow all 3 of my cats out into the back yard when I was home. The sliding screen door would remain open so that they could easily just come back inside. My younger cat Tripp caught a mole and decided to bring it inside.... still alive. When he dropped it from his mouth in my living room I screamed at him to get him to leave it alone and went rushing towards the mole to try and save it. Immediately, Southpaw began attacking Tripp. The dynamic of the three cats had always been that Tripp was in charge. He was the youngest, the biggest, and the sweetest but didn't ever put up with Southpaws crap before. I instinctively picked him up so that he would not get hurt and in doing so, Southpaw turned her aggression on me. She violently bit, scratched and lunged at me. Even as I tried to get away she continued to attack. When I was finally able to get her off of me and locked in another room I realized that I was profusely bleeding, had multiple bite wounds and was shaking and crying uncontrollably.  After that episode I kept her separate for several days and then began a slow re-introduction back into the house. She seemed to do okay. It was almost as though she had been a different cat and had no idea what had happened.  Fast forward to this past Fall things started to go down hill again.  We had purchased a home the year prior (and the cats had adjusted marveously to the much larger space) and were in the midst of planning our wedding. Things were stressful and I believe our stress was impacting the cats.  The dynamic between the three started to deteriorate.  Southpaw got into an altercation with Diesel (they never loved eachother, but had never had serious problems either). Hearing the commotion sent Tripp running in to investigate and join in. Diesel, being on the bottom of the totem pole, ended up leaving that fight very fearful. He and Tripp, who up until this point had been best friends, were now fighting and of course Southpaw was fighting with the both of them.  Keeping them separated in three different rooms and starting the slow re-introduction process did not work. Each time we thought we were in the clear something would set one of them off and cause a fight. Diesel and Tripp were manageable. They would mostly threaten but not take action. Southpaw on the other hand, was violent and didn't blink an eye before attacking.  We started using pheremone plug ins and sprays in all corners of the house. With a clean bill of health from the vet, Southpaw began a trial of prozac and then amitriptiline to help her anxiety. Things improved- not 100% but we at least thought we were on the right path.  We tip-toed around Southpaw, knowing that her triggers were loud noises and quick movements.  We had several incidences that we were able to control before they got out out of hand. We had one incidence were Southpaw attacked me again and left me bleeding and shaking. My husband was furious and felt that it was time to euthanize. Knowing how hard that would be for me, he felt we should wait and re-visit it after our wedding which was in a week.  When we came back from our honeymoon, the cats were fine. It's as though our stress was gone, we were out of the house for a week or so and things had been reset.  We were thrilled.  

Four weeks ago, Diesel (7 years old) was diagnosed with bone cancer after we took him to the vet for limping.  It had not spread and the treatment that was recommended was amputation. After weighing all our options and getting the opinions of my trusted veterinary coworkers and friends, we decided to go ahead with the treatment instead of euthanizing. We wondered how this would affect the other cats- he was already on the bottom and knew that with one less leg he would be unable to defend himself. We knew that we were taking a risk and that Southpaw may start to regress again. Diesel was an amazingly loving, squishy and well behaved cat and we felt that it was not fair to put him to sleep for what was essentially Southpaws problems. We decided to take it one day at a time after the surgery and deal with any problems as they arose. We kept Diesel separate and then when he was healed we started the reintroduction. It went okay. I felt relieved that it seemed like everyone was going to be fine.  Over the past few days, all three cats regressed again. We believe Tripp and Diesel had an altercation which is causing Diesel to hiss and growl every time he sees him. The two had such a strong bond that we know with time we will be able to work through their issues. What we decided we couldn't work through anymore was how Southpaw was responding to these situations. Friday night, she attacked me again. As I carried Diesel up to our bedroom (where we leave him at night so he is safe) she lunged at me and left me bloody.

Saturday morning, I made the call to my vet who agreed that at this point we were out of options.  Even though I loved her unconditionally, her violence and unpredictable-ness was becoming impossible to handle. We were living everyday and making every decision based on how Southpaw would handle it. As I write this I see that the factor that keeps popping up with each one of her violent outbursts is me.... It makes me feel so guilty to think that something I was doing was causing her to lash out. I do however realize that I am only human and being careful 100% of the time is not realistic. Keeping everyone separate and isolated in different rooms, permanently, was also unrealistic and in my opinion no way for a cat to live. All three cats were cuddlers and loved affection and play. At some point, my husband and I plan to have a baby. We pictured how Southpaw would react to a crying, loud and unpredictable child. We feared that she would violently attack and we knew that is not a risk we can take.  Every person I have spoken to has told me that we gave Southpaw a long and happy life... something she may not have had if we had not taken her in. Many people would not have put up with her violence as long as we did.  I also know she was making life miserable for the other cats... and they did not deserve it. I am really struggling with the guilt I feel about our decision.  I don't think I regret it, but I do feel like I failed her. The euthanasia itself was also one of the worst I have been through. She went out fighting like the little badass she was. The sedative didn't put her out fully so she literally hissed and growled until the end. I can't help reliving that moment over and over again and feeling like the last 30 minutes of her life were spent scared and angry.  It seems to outweigh all the good times she had with us. How do I move on from this? How do I live with the guilt or better yet not feel the guilt?
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Avatar universal
How? Good question. All I know is that it takes time. And with me at least, it only lessens, and never totally goes away.

Sounds like you had no choice, other than maybe contact Jackson Galaxy from the 'My Cat From Hell' series. "..failed her.."? Maybe, but you're certainly not alone in that guilt trip. Sometimes your best, and everyone else's, is not enough. The important thing is that you gave it, and obviously agonized over your decision. When putting one of my furry kids to rest once, my vet said that he occasionally has someone come in and ask 'how much for the kill shot?' ... He said he just shows them the door.

Yes, she was still young, but as you have been told, you gave her 7 good years that she might not have otherwise had.

I was sad to hear about the sedative though. With all of mine I made it clear to the vet that I wanted them out completely before the final shot. If it took more, then so be it. It's not as though more sedative is going to do harm.

I'm actually surprised that the vet proceeded without that being done.

Your story makes my heart ache, and I expect it normal that you will second guess yourself for weeks to come. There is no silver bullet to eliminate that. Just love on your other furry kids and know you gave it your best shot.  
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