How To Give Your Cat A Pill (Humorous)

[Jade59]

1)  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crock of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.  

2)  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3)  Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4)  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand   Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Retrieve spouse from outside.

6)  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees.  Hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by  cat.  Get spouse to hold hear firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.  

7)  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8)  Wrap cat i large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible form below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9)  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10)  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.  

11)  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot of scotch and drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw shirt away and fetch new on from bedroom.  

12)  Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.  

13)  Tie the little &#^@'s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold cat's head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.  

14)  consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the ER.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.  

15)  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1)  Wrap pill in bacon.

2) Toss it in the air.  

[Jade59]

Bumping up for laughs (this is Not meant to be serious!!).

[furmomof5]

Bless you Jade.......you are very classy!!

[Jade59]

Hello.  Were you looking for examples on how to pill your kitty?  I'm sorry, these threads you commented on were meant to be humorous, not helpful.  

Here is a link to a good example on youtube on pilling a cat.  If you don't find this video helpful, you can troll for others as there are many.  Good luck!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtZ-8YT-etM

[thePurpleSnowflake]

not helpful and half of it wasn't funny but abusive

[spirit3]

oh so true!!  too smart for their own good, aren't they? and they recognise the pill bottle after attempt #1!! Thanks for sharing!!

[zodiacqueen]

OMG....this is so hilarious!!!!  LMAO

This is the first time I've seen this.  Dam this is soooo true-dogs are such a breeze to give pills to.  Actually, I've been very freaking lucky w/ Skunkie...she's such a good girl to give pills to.

Now, baths are a totally different story.  Most cats are crazy lunatics when you try...and you will lose some body parts!!  =)

[LindaTX]

I hope Jade is feeling better by now

[kezzza4]

OMG that is sooooooooooo TRUE!!!  It's one of the hardest things one has to ever do with their cat.  So wish they were like my dog!!!  Chuck a pill into the middle of some mince & they can't wait to gulp it down!!

[margypops]

oh hyahahah I have never seen or heard this its so funny thank you , I had always had dogs and I know you can wrap the pill in anything tasty and they will eat it ...tell me, with cats,  does crushing up the tab and putting it in their food work or are they so clever , as I have found out, they wont eat it ...

[FurballsMom]

I've seen this one before.  Nevertheless--it's still just as funny as the first time I've seen that one.  

[Jade59]

LOL, Linda, you crack me up!  "different kind of screwdriver" - whatever could you mean, lol.  Oh gosh, poor Heidi :(

My favorite is #13, but only because I lean towards a very black sense of humor.  Just the visual of it, alone...

Poor Jade doesn't feel well today from the Drontal and hasn't wanted to eat much.  

[LindaTX]

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time...and so appropriate right now with everyone trying to pill their cats.  I love it!  Thanks, Jade

PS I like #11....oh, never mind.  I thought it was a different kind of screwdriver, lol.  and I like #15....it makes me think of my Heidi, ♥  gotta love that little mutant cat.  The Vet wouldn't even take her out of the carrier to give her a rabies shot, ha-ha, that's the truth!

[Jade59]

Opus, no, I didn't write this - I'm not nearly so talented or have any imagination whatsoever...but thanks for thinking I did! :)  My mom received it in an e-mail back in 03 and I came across it a few days ago in my bookcase, but had to wait for a morning when I was up to typing so much at once.  You can tell by the typos starting half way through, my arm was getting tired, lol.  

I thought it was hilarious, too.  I'm glad you guys enjoyed it!

[Cassandrajane]

Hahahaha to give my old dog a tablets you bribe him with Rich tea biscuits! Haha

and when my cat had cat flu and she needed tablets well... I put them in a piece of chicken like in the middle cause she would spit it out otherwise.

Hahaha.

x

[AppleBr]

Jade this is pretty good - I didnt finished reading yet but I'm laughing til now...
Thanks dear, I  was also needing this a lot...

[opus88]

OMG Jade.............I'm laughing so hard I darn near peed myself, that is hilarious!!!!!!!!
I'm printing it out and putting it on my fridge.

Is this all your own writings? my God you are a talented writer if it is...........In any case the CAT won another battle over us humans, not far from the truth is it.

I needed a good laugh today, thanks a bunch!! ♥
oh anymore scotch left?