11 Yr old Step Daughter

[Bkitty]

I don't even know where to start. We have sole custody of my step daughter. It was an ugly custody battle. Basically the mother was on drugs, neglected her, they were living out of the car, she was bathing her in a creek. put a flea collar on her, the kid missed a lot of school, pretty much she was abandoned by her mother as she was to busy parting,,whatever. You get the idea. This mother has soo many issues. I personally feel that she has a mental disorder of some sort. But I can NOT believe the psychological games she has put her daughter thru during and after court. Its unbelievable! She doesn't follow the parenting plan and sometimes doesn't even pick her up making up all these excuses how her lawyer says its not her weekend or she isn't driving back up to get her,,etc. During court the mother even got her to lie for her to DFS. It all has back fired. Fast forward to 2 yrs later...she is doing great in school is finally up to her level. Has (had) a lot of friends. She met this one girl and they are BFF's. The thing is she is a follower and conforms to anyone that influences her. She really has no self identity. 3 weeks ago she attempted to cut herself with a razor in the shower. Luckily she didn't cut herself bad. She ended up telling the school counselor who called us. She has been starved for attention since I have known her and esp after this court deal. We investigated this and felt that a lot of it was peer related as her friend also did the same thing. We really tightened the buckle to protect her and didn't reward this behavior although we showed concern, love and support. We got her immed into therapy. Then she goes down to the mothers.................while she was down there she literally threw us under the bus. I KNEW she would do that! And her mother gave her all this attention and I mean she ate it up. ( I understand she needs her mothers attention). Her sister was there,, secrets and promises were made,,,you name it. She came back to us nasty and closed off like normal (it takes her about a day to recover) but this time was different. We finally got it out of her. She admitted she went down there and said bad stuff like we don't listen to her and we yell at her. What the heck?! We parent her. Yes. We are firm with her at times. Yes. The kid is absolutely spoiled rotten! We have given her everything! We took away the comp when she cut herself as we felt that was peer related and to protect her! So then the mother calls DFS. Once again. He showed up at her school Mon. He questioned her and according to the school counslelor she threw her mother under the bus. All this has turned and is turning into a huge nightmare! Now the mother is accusing me mostly as she hates me of abusing her child! What gets me is my is my step daughter admits to throwing us under the bus but she also admits that she doesn't tell her mother that she is happy here and likes her school,,etc. Only bad stuff. The mother is not right in the head and both her kids are so f*cked up from her antics! I wouldn't be surprised if her mother put her up to her cutting herself! So back to the lawyers we go this week because I feel that mother is gonna try and keep her when school is out. I am so angry. Im trying to understand all this and I know she is traumatized from everything she has been thru. Its so weird to see her around her mother. She becomes this helpless child and even reverts to baby talking. I don't know what else to do. DFS never even called us or came to our house to follow up after he talked to her at the school. Our lawyer wants the report so we called him. Still hasn't called us back. The reason she said she cut herself was because some boy was picking on her at school. (She is very obese). He apologized to her. But now this mother has it in her head she did this cuz she is unhappy here. I give up.

[Bkitty]

Thank You very much! This helped me a lot. Today I got a lawyer. To represent me. DFS also came to the house today. We had been waiting on them. He was soooo nice. He said this is typical of parents that are addicted,that the only thing they can control in their life is their kids and use them as pawns. Today when my step daughter came home from school she told me she wanted to be a nurse like me. I cried. She does need me. I am her voice of reason. Thank You so much. I update you all how this all turns out!!
((hugs))

[Sandman2]

Very well stated Specialmom. Agree completely!

[specialmom]

Don't give up. This girl needs you.  It's so hard.  But I admire that you've tried to do the right thing.  YOU are the voice of reason.  Mom is a mess and the daughter is a kids that is surviving.  I PROMISE you that at some point this girl will get it about her mom.  

She clearly suffers as you can see by the reverting to baby talk and the way she acts around her mother.  That is psychological in nature.  If you think about what is inside all of us---  it might help you.  We desperately want to be loved by our parents.  We CRAVE it.  She's trying to recreate a mothering feeling from this woman that has never really mothered her.  It is probably a very deep internal drive.  To get attention from this woman feeds a need deep inside of her to prove she is loved by her.  It's very very sad.  And she will probably try to fill that need in some way her whole life.

but don't let that thwart you from standing up for her, doing what is in HER best interest, allowing yourself to feel love and compassion for her.  

I would have your husband remind the courts of all of the mother's issues.  And I would consider a psychologist for the girl.  No surprise that she is suffering psychologically (the cutting).  She needs to have someone working on her mental health issues as well as an unbiased person to listen to anything and everything she has to say about her life as a younger child and now.

but she needs you.  It's a heavy burden but I commend you for sticking with it so far and hope you continue to do so.  peace and blessings to you.