Avatar universal

3 year old with behavorial problems.

I was taking care of a 3 year old since he was 2 weeks old for a teen mom who was 13 years old at the time she gave birth.  This is a family friend and no legal ties to him. At first she stay with me and the baby but then moved back home with her dad and sisters.  She made the decision to leave the baby with me to take care off. For the last 3 years she will take him for a weekend or a day here and there but never really wanted anything to do with him.  He three years now and she has decided to take care of him and has taken him out of my house. This happened about 3-4 months ago.  She has moved in with family members and they told her if she wanted to live there then she needed to have her son there too.  So with no warning she took him and at first I was able to have him every weekend that last maybe two weekends then she said that her and her family wanted to do stuff on weekends also so we changed it to every other weekend.  Which I wasn't happy about but I didn't really want to lose him so I settle for every other weekend. Now she said that she doesn't want him to come stay with us at all because he having behavioral issues when he comes back from our house, he yelling, saying bad words, not listening to her, she said he not eating well. She doesn't handle stress well as most teenage she yells a lot at him and gets very stress out and emotional.  My question is am I doing more harm to him by trying to stay part of his life or is she doing him harm by not letting him see us?.  He calls us both mommy, he always asking for my children, and I feel bad that he is crying for us he little and not understand a lot of what's going on.  When I drop him off after my weekend he tells me he doesn't want to leave me. I tell him that I love him and I will be back in a couple of weeks for him.  What should I do?  Stay away from him or tell her that what she is doing is not good for him and fight to stay in his life?  May I also add that I was like a mother figure to her and her sister also who did live with me for almost 3 years as she was the girlfriend to my old son. I did everything for these girls doctors appointment, take them to store, talk to her on the phone when she was depressed, helped her with school stuff , her dad didn't do any of this for the girls. I was there for them..
6 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
I guess that since you don't have any legal claim to this child, the only thing you can do is continue to try to make nice with the mama, so you can see the child sometimes, even if she is changeable and capricious.  Poor baby, he is going to be so sad.  At least if you stay in touch with her and make as nice as possible, you would be able to hear if the situation degrades to the point where it becomes serious and the authorities need to be called in.  Try to work out at least some playdates with your children or visits, not weekends but just random short visits.  If she won't stand for that, you really can't do anything about it.  I'm so sorry.
973741 tn?1342342773
This is one of the hardest stories I have ever read on the site in all the years I have been here.  Heartbreaking.  The unjust situation for this child boggles my mind.  While you were a family friend, you became the mother of this child.  The damage this young and horribly selfish girl is going doing to this little child is just almost criminal in my mind.  I understand that she's the biological mother and tried to stay involved, but she was a mere child herself when she had the baby.  I have a 13 year old myself and the idea of his being able to properly care for and parent a child is laughable.  And now she's 16, has she matured?  Possibly, but doubtful if the family is so unstable that she moves from place to place and there is a requirement by the now family member she is staying with that they force that toddler out of the only home he's ever known.  I think in this instance, a court would look at your rights as having parented this child for so long.  Have you spoken to an attorney?  Please do.  If this child is not being cared for properly now with a screaming teenager losing patience with him . . .   in an unstable home life herself . . .  and no real income to raise the boy, this is just so unfortunate that they'd allow this to continue.  So, speak to a lawyer.  And yes, make as nice as possible in the mean time to be loosely involved. But that poor boy will be a total wreck.  His life has been uprooted.  He's living in an environment that is not good (what happens in a year when she gets a boyfriend who hates the kid and she starts ditching him?) and he's suffering a huge loss of a person he loves, you.  Truly, this is so sad.  I'm also so very very sorry.  
I mean... we'd want to call a 16 year  old girl horrible, and selfish? That's kind of harsh and uncalled for. Did we read the same post? Or did I read it after an edit? I'm trying to understand and figure out where these allegations are coming from.
What strikes me is that a very young child has had one caregiver and taking a child away from that caregiver is damaging.  From the description, this young girl at 16 has been shifted from place to place with different relatives and is being forced to take the child now due to the current one she is living with.  This speaks to stability.  It is indeed selfish to put our own needs before that of a child.  It's a sad situation.  And I don't necessarily blame the 16 year old birth mother.  She's probably just trying to get by.  But is getting by the making of a good home environment for a toddler who will be lost without the caregiver he's known?  It's the saddest thing I've read to date on these forums.  
Avatar universal
Firstly, it is a sad situation. Secondly, it's a sad situation that you really can't do anything about legaly.

I say that to say, I  commend the biological mothers family for making the mother get her child. That's her responsibility. I know you love the kid, I  do. I'm not saying back away as much as I'm saying  find a way. If you helped raise the mother, try to insert yourself back into her life and that may bring a bond stronger between the 3 of you.

She needs to be a mother, you are a mother so teach her and help her. When the mother comes and tells you he's misbehaving when she takes him home from visiting  you, sit the child down and explain that that is unacceptable and he shouldn't do it and punish him from coming to be with you if he can't behave with his mother.

I see the good you did by taking her in as well as her child. I see the good that the mothers family is instilling in the young mother that she has a responsibility, and I see the mother making strides as well, forced strides albeit but I think this could work in everyone's favor. If you work with the mother, you can work with the child, and if you work with the child, guess what? Hunney, your a grandmother basically!
Avatar universal
ALSO! I tend to answer the question of the original poster before I comment because I  like to give my own unbiased advice. I will say this not being rude to previous responders.

Wording like "if the situation degrades and the authorities need be called in" is an attempt to judge the mothers character as well as her families. We know nothing about them.

The other responded by saying  "contact a lawyer" and "her family isn't stable" and financial issues and such. That in my opinion is bad advice to give someone who is heartbroken. And to say the mother is selfish and immature still and she may get a boyfriend that may hate the kid, and their living situation is unstable, and she cruel for wanting her 3 year old son back. He's 3 he's probably not even going to remember all this.

Am I the only one that's happy that her family is teaching her responsibility. "Go and get your child, hunney" it's unfortunate that she got pregnant at 13 but it happened! She's 16 probably closer to 17 she needs to be b with her son. And I'm thankful her family MADE her get the child. We know nothing about what's going on in that household.

If the heartbroken surrogate didn't say any of those things  why are  these variables even spokeep of? I'm sorry but I don't judge people. The only thing she said was the mother was stressed, emotional, and she yells at him the same things a 35 year old mother does. Give that girl a chance to have the son that came out of her vagina please! Give her a chance!
Avatar universal
At the end of the day she has the right you have too grin and bare it no matter how much he cries (all kids cry when they leave a fun place) it's better then him being a 25 year old man feeling like his mother dump on him if you can't have kids get a dog I'm not saying this to no mean you just are lonely and a dog will fill the void don't invest any more time
Avatar universal
I think you should give his mother some parenting advice and try to arrange some gatherings every once in a while where both you and the child's biological mother are in the same place at once and try to get along well. Please try to understand what a hard time the teenage mother must be having and be nice to her too.
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