4 year old very mean and violent

[MelHud]

My little 4 year old cousin is really worrying me with her behaviors. She likes to be mean to people. She tries to belittle people when other people are around. If you tell her not to do something because it will hurt someone, she will immediately do that action. Her parents are split up and live in different states. Right now, she is down here with her dad's side, which is my first cousin. While she was with her mother, she did something very scary to me. She plays with the little boy who lives next to her. They are about the same age. He had 2 gerbils and gave her one. She took it home. The little boys mom found out he gave it away and took him over to their house to get it back. First, my 4 year old cousin refused to give it back to him. After being told by all to give it back, she goes in her room and brings it to the door. With everyone there, she sticks a pen so hard and far into the gerbils mouth and kills it right in front of everyone. She is 4. And I have never seen a child so articulate and manipulative. She's very nice when she wants you to do something for her and shuts it off as fast as she started. You can do something for her and she will turn and look at you, completely callous, and say "I hope you die".  I am a nurse, and of course I know this child needs serious counseling. I don't know how to approach it and will it even matter when she goes back to her mom in a month and the therapy isn't continued? I've seen mentally ill adults, but I have never seen this degree in anyone, more less a child. It is without a doubt, sadistic. Advice please.

[Sandman2]

  Hopefully, when she enters the school system they will be able to help too.  But, do buy a few of the books that are meant to be read to her.  Perhaps her parents will also learn something.   Thankyou for caring!

[MelHud]

Thank you very much. Maybe I will just buy these books for my cousin and just tell him that I thought they would be great lessons for his daughter. And you are right. The parenting is rediculous. Her mom gives her to her grandmother when she is in Boston with her, and when she is here with her dad, I see them laugh at her disrespectfulness and they even tell her "go kick your uncle" or "go hit your cousin".  They think it's funny. When she is around me, I shut it down but that doesn't do any good in the long term. I only see her maybe 10-15 times a year. I appreciate all of the input you guys are giving me. I want to at least try to save her.

[Sandman2]

   I have my doubts has to how effective counseling will be for a 4 year old.  What she does need is some very consistent parenting.  An intelligent little child quickly picks up how to manipulate the world around her.  In a split home situation it is not unusual for a child to try and make things better for her.  If any thing, the parents could use some good parenting training.  I am guessing that is not gonna happen.  There are some very good books out there that may help.  I would probably look into the "love and logic" ones by Fay and Cline.
   There are also  books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd that are meant to be read aloud to them and then practiced.  You might try "Hands are not for hitting" found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775   and further down the page you will see "know and follow rules" and many other good books.   Just the simple act of reading to her each night may also really help her.  I gotta think that at least part of the problem is the split homes and a need for some attention.   And, I also think that she has been getting very uneven consequences from the different homes.  Every body needs to be on the same page regarding how she is treated when she messes up.  In fact, a simpler and more direct book to start of with is "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.   Hope this helps a bit.

[MelHud]

That was my assessment also. Her dad doesn't know that I know. His mom told me to get my opinion because I am a nurse, but I don't specialize in mental disorders. Thank you for your reply.

[Steph_momof3]

Oh my goodness, this child needs some medical attention now.  There are some different things that could be wrong (oppositional defiant disorder, attachment disorder, etc.) and she needs to be evaluated.

Is this something you feel comfortable talking to her father about?  Or is there someone else who would?

This child is suffering (as are other people around her) and she can get help.

Good luck!