Adult children

[Viva001]

I have two 30-something children who behave worse now than at any age previously.  They don't return phone calls, emails, or texts; never have a kind or supportive word; don't acknowledge receiving gifts, or might not even say thank you.  They were not spoiled materially; we were poor.  They were not spanked (neither was I), but they were disciplined.  

To the extent that they acknowledge my existence, they find fault with everything I say, do, think, and even wear.  Both have called me a jerk.  When I have pointed out their rude behavior and have established boundaries, they say I am "mean".

Both have terminal degrees, are hard-working, self-supporting, and have lots of friends, but they are brats--at least to me.  They both live several hours away; I have come to dislike them and really don't miss them at all.  I have several friends who are also complaining about their bratty adult children.  My son's fiancee isn't insulting, but I wouldn't say she is polite either:  she never acknowledged my handmade gifts to her from Christmas.  I had brain surgery 3 months ago and didn't receive a card or even a phone call.

my husband (not their father) and I have decided not to leave them anything in our wills.  We don't have much, but we do have a house, which I am sure would be much appreciated by charities.

My question is, is there a book to help me cope with a dysfunctional family, at this point?  I have a therapist; she told me not to have any expectations of them.  I disagree.  
Thanks for any help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Yes, that is the correct title.

[Viva001]

Thank you for your response.  I presume you mean "Setting  boundaries with Adult Children".  I am looking for professional guidance.

I found Dr. Joshua Coleman's advice helpful yesterday.  He said in an interview, that parent/adult child estrangement is an "epidemic".  Why is there not more awareness then?  

I suppose this is what we baby boomers get for our permissiveness and concern for our children's self esteem. The child-centeredness is only going to get worse with the trend of "building social capital".

My chidren are not slackers, druggies, or mentally ill; they both have terminal degrees and are self-supporting.  They are 30-something brats.  I feel that they have regressed before they have reached maturity.  I have lowered my expectations below anything I could have imagined:  I recently had brain surgery and didn't even receive a get well card, much less a visit.  Last week, I got bit by a snake, sent my daughter a text message, and didn't even get a response.  She is a Nurse Practitioner!

They both live 100s of miles away, and I ask for nothing from them, except a modicum of respect.  Many, many of my 60-70 year old friends are complaining about our children!  We did not want a generation of narcissists.  Sometimes they are children of divorce, but not always; sometimes they are children of well-educated professionals, but not always.   I can't imagine how rude they must be to each other, or what kind of parents they will be.  Maybe medhelp could set up a message board for us.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Bottke's book titled Setting Limits with Your Adult Children might be of interest to you. Basically I concur with the advice of your therapist. You are focused on your adult children behaving differently. It's not within your power to make that happen. Adjust your expectations and you'll limit the disappointment you bring on yourself.