Am I causing harm?

[FIp]

My husband has custody of his son who is 6. He has behaviour issues. He is aggressive, acts immature, won't share toys, lies, is overly competitive, purposely starts arguements and tries to get others to copy him. This little boy has had a rough life so far, so i'm not blamming him. His mother is a horrible person. Fortunately, she doesn't see him often and thereofre the influence from her is minimal. But, his teachers will even notice if he has been with her for a weekend becuase of his behaviour change.  MY son is 3. And I'm affraid that My son will pick up on this negative behaviour, or worse, Get hurt. When the kids are together, I can't leave them alone for 2 mins. They just argue all the time. His son will even push mine or grab. It's so stressful. I can't even go to the bathroom without bringing my son in with me. My entire family HATES my fiance's son. They do not want my son around him at all.  I want to help this poor little boy out, but not at the expense of my own son. I love my fiance so much, I can't imagine living without him, But The kids need to be put first. Please help. I don't know what the right thing to do is.  We have been dating for a year and a half now and were wanting to move in together.  His son likes me, I'm pretty sure about that. But, he is manipulative and confused so i'm not sure what his TRUE feelings are.  He's been asking when I'm going to be his new mom. I try to explain that he already has a mom, but I already love him LIKE a mother.  I think that a good part of his negative behaviour is attention seeking and may start to go away once he has a more routine life with structure and consistency. But, I truely don't want to make things worse for anyone. Please help. What is the right thing to do?

[Vanagew]

Problems like these are not uncommon amongst those who have broken relationships with their parents. Unfortunately if the mother is horrible to him, that only reinforces the behaviour. Additionally, having an entire family hating that child is a recipe for disaster. If a child is hated, bad behaviour and/or self harm chances increase dramatically. What he needs is stability and contact between him and the mother should be eliminated until her behaviour towards him improves.

[Agiesmom]

I'm confused--you called him your husband at first, but you weren't living together?  I hope there isn't a messy divorce that needs to take place.

[maya2027]

I was in a similar situation.  
And I told my husband-to-be 3 years ago that no one would come between me and my family, including his son who was also very rude.  He agreed that he should get couseling and stay with his mother until things were better.  I dont regret that decision, and I wouold say to you as a mother your first job in LIFE is to give the best to YOUR children.  If it is meant to be, he will understand that you two cannot go further in the relationship until this is handled.  Do not move in with a destructive person, although this sounds harsh, this is not your problem!  

[Agiesmom]

Good for you.  You're making the right decision.  Continue to focus on raising your son and being a good mom to him.

All the best to you.

[FIp]

well, It's been a couple months now and I'm throwing in the towel. We have tried counselling and everything else I can think of. He has been treating my son so bad. He is very rude to him and I am not going to subject my son to that BS.  He has also started to be even less responsive to me. He talks back to me more and does things on purpose now to upset me. I cant stand him anymore. I don't want my son to be anything like him. I hope that I'm not being selfish here, but I tried. And the more time I spend with him the less I like him. It would be ashame to hate a little kid, but thats in the near future if I stay.  All responses are welcomed. thanks for your time.

[margypops]

The Fact you are asking advise here on this very difficult situation for you shows your caring attitude, I dont think you should end this relationship, maybe not move in yet maybe go slowly and see if time helps them get on better, can you seperate them up more and give them differant things to do, have a positive quiet time out when the 6 year old is disruptive,keep him busy apart when you can. It does sound as if he is affected by his Mother , has she a new person in her life perhaps there is Negative influence coming from there.It is a tough one but the Fact you care means you can work on it, Probably he is seeking your attention,on re reading your original post he is competative over you.I can tell you talk to him keep that up and perhaps a good idea to get some help with that.

[SUGARPLUM344]

Yes it is harmful - to your son and to his son.   You say the kids needs come first - and they do.  Let the father spend time with his son and straighten out his behavior.  Your moving in with another child is only going to complicate the situation.  

[FIp]

But, my question still remains.. is it harmful to anyone for me to continue this relationship?

[FIp]

I agree 100% about the 6 yr old being feeling left out. He is included in everything that I do. But when his behaviour gets out of control I have no choice but to end the activity or exclude him from it. My son has started to learn some tricks to irritate the older one, and I catch that one very quickly.  I do feel that you have a great point about the jealousy thing.  My son is a momma's boy, so the older one could naturally be doing things for the attention that my son is seeking. I like that idea of the boys bonding. they do that once and awhile. but it's hard when i'm at home. When I'm not around however, the kids are PERFECT for my fiance. I guess the conpetition isn't there... Great points. thank you.  Thank you both for your input and suggestions.

[FIp]

I have been thinking about counselling. The 6 yr old has already started Kinark, but I'd like to do something with the entire family together, not just focus on his issues. My fiance And I were friends for almost a year before we started dating. I used to babysit his son once and awhile. I did jump into this relationship quickly after leaving my husband but we left the kids out of it until recently.

[margypops]

Sounds like the 6 year old is jealous of attention maybe the 3 year old is getting ,if hes not with his own Mom he probably if feeling left out in some way, Have you tried talking to him, some Therapy seems called for here . It is a short time for him to adjust, does your Fiancee do things with both Boys together some guy stuff, make it less competative and also check the younfger one doesnt do some of it, its easy to blame the eldest. Get the Guys doing stuff and you take more of a back seat seems there some competativeness over you.

[SeriousSam]

As much as I REALLY hate to sat it, kids who are around both parents are less likely to have problems.  Has anyone considered counseling for everyone?

Also how quickly did you guys introduce each other to each others kids?  How quickly did dad get involved in a nother relationship?  Most experts reccomend at LEAST a year before beginning another relationship.