Oh my goodness, this sounds very difficult to manage. Is your wife her biological mother? Just asking for details. She's 10. Has she had some sot of trauma when she was younger? Have you not just had her with a counselor but a psychiatrist? She's willing to do damage to herself and let me just say, taking too much medication is terrifying. I personally would consider in house treatment for that (mental health treatment). This is likely to make her even more angry. Speaking of angry, why is she full of rage toward your wife and you? Or do you think this is more for attention like Munchhausen syndrome (similar to that in that she is willing to do damage to herself in order to gain the attention and drama like someone with Munchhausen's is willing to harm their loved one for that attention)? I sincerely think this is more than something a regular counselor should be handling. She's a danger to herself at this point.
Losing her out of your house is the least of your concerns. She could accidentally kill herself or do irreparable harm. By the way, how was she when living with your mother? Any of this behavior going on? Are the other three girls full sisters, half sisters or step sisters? I'm just wondering about all the dynamics.
I really feel for you and fear for her! This is difficult but more serious than just wanting things to be peaceful at home. This is truly a mental health situation that needs addressed! (in my opinion)
When you say, "she claimed that her father hurt her sexually. I took all the actions I should have and then she turned around and said he didn’t." But you say she is your biological child. So when you were talking about "her father" and "he," were you talking about yourself? Or are you the Erin of the avatar name you use, in other words, a female?
Has she been sexually abused? If she is developing a personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), of which I am intimately familiar with, then there is likelihood she was sexually abused. BPD manifests as self-harm, a fear of abandonment, emptiness, and fluctuating moods throughout the day, subject to volatility. I recommend a diagnosis to get to the root of the issue and then cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialetical behavioral therapy (DBT). We all need healthy coping skills and unfortunately so many of us are not taught this and so parents are not equipped to practice these skills themselves, let alone pass it on. Sounds like everyone in the family needs to work on healthy coping skills and perhaps any issues internally.
If I had to guess, I would say that if her acting out is mostly related to being at home, something about the situation at home is extremely distressing to her. If the two of you women left your husbands and moved all four kids and yourselves in together, that is a lot of change. Especially with that many kids, and the feeling of powerlessness and not having a voice. Only if their dads were horrible would any kid see this kind of change as a good thing. Maybe your daughter just doesn't want to say this to you, but she is angry at the change from just you, her sister, and her dad, to this bigger family, and less traditional to boot. Or, one of the kids could be being mean to her. Or, as she said, her dad had been but she feels it is in her survival interest not to say so. Can she go back to your mother? It sounds like it was better for her there.
Claiming her father molested her and then withdrawing the claim is very indicative of deep rooted and long standing emotional issues. That probably doesn't have anything to do with your leaving the relationship in my opinion and quite likely is organic in nature. She's been to a psychiatrist? However, you also seem unsure if you should still believe what she initially said or not. A therapist has not been helpful in helping to uncover that? Sometimes even a doctors visit can substantiate claims depending on what she says happened.
I don't think this is as simple as family dynamics at all. Many and I mean MANY kids are thrust into living arrangements, have their lives upended and they do not threaten to or actually do harm themselves, scare others around them and make devastating claims that lead to their removal from the home. She has either had something very traumatic happen to her or she has some dynamic of mental health issues happening.
It's unfortunate that they don't keep her in psych units long enough to be productive. But all you can do is keep trying. I do think this is the best route for her.
Again, is she calm and peaceful at your mothers? If so, that's the best place for her. I agree with the idea of whole family counseling as well. If you find it benefits her the most, I'd also consider leaving your relationship with your wife for now. Your first priority is to figure out what is going on with your daughter and stabilize her. She's in crisis and in all seriousness, what she is doing could lead to great tragedy for her and for you. There are diagnosis to look into such as ODD and "Disruptive Mood Disorder". https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/disruptive-mood-dysregulation-disorder-dmdd/disruptive-mood-dysregulation-disorder.shtml. And this may have been mentioned to you but please read about Attachment Disorder. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352939. Typically that happens from neglect in infancy or early childhood but not always. I am in no way implying that this is the case with you as you seem like a mom sincerely wanting nothing more than to help your child.
But these are just some suggestions to look into. hugs
I came across this article not long ago, and please keep in mind that I am not saying you aren't incredible supportive, but it discusses reasons why children recant after accusing someone of sexual abuse:
https://childsworldamerica.org/why-kids-reporting-abuse-often-recant/ Maybe you believed her, but someone else important to her didn't.
Here's another more through explanation - https://www.sunjournal.com/2017/04/09/recanting-a-disclosure-of-sexual-assault-taking-back-a-lie-or-something-else-entirely/
She may or may not be lying about the abuse, and for sure it will be difficult to prosecute at this point, given her history, but it may be something to talk to her psychiatrist about.
Just a theory, and maybe a starting place.
Hi Erin, you stated, "She’s been diagnosed as adhd and odd. But I feel there is obviously more there." I wonder how much you know about adhd and what it can do to a child...and how you can deal with it along with medication. I am also the CL for the adhd forum (https://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
) and a lot of what you are talking about shows up on that forum. The main thing I have found over the years is that the normal discipline does not work with a child with adhd. You said, "they have rules to follow and consequences for wrong actions." If she is expected to follow their rules with the same consequences...I can see why mornings, etc are a problem. I have a ton of resources on effective discipline for kids with adhd if you are interested.
You also mentioned the lying. Lying is very typical. Here is a great article on why kids with adhd lie and ways to deal with it....https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/adhd-and-lying-what-you-need-to-know
And another good one with a bit of a more scientific explanation.
It sounds like your doctors have tried a variety of things which can be kind of scary. One problem with adhd meds (if that is what she is taking) is that they are trial and error. And if your doctor does not communicate very well, the med could be over or under dosed leading to a variety of problems. If you don't mind me asking....what dose and medication is she on now? And how long has she been on this med. For that matter how long has she had the adhd diagnosis?
Finally, I have a ton of resources on adhd. If you have any specific requests, please ask. The final link I am giving is one on adhd and discipline. I have several good ones, but this one is pretty encompassing. The link is... https://www.additudemag.com/behavior-punishment-parenting-child-with-adhd/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=parent_july_2018&utm_content=070718
Oh, all of the sites I shared have lots of great resources at the top of their pages.
Best wishes. I hope this helps.
By the way, a good nights sleep is very important to how she will do later in the day. And a good high protein breakfast will help her during the school day.
Here are two good links on sleep and getting going in the morning. The links are..
Speaking of sleep, the meds she is taking should work for a minimum of 12 hours (8 + 4). Anything much less then that would indicate she is underdosed. You might want to talk to your doc about finding a med that will work for say about 10 hours. Perhaps that way she can get home, do homework and not have to take the second dose. Thus, she could have dinner after the med out of her system. This might also help her sleep better at night. As the following chart shows, there are a ton of meds out there to choose from. Of course, just upping her dose slightly might also do the same thing. The chart is.....
Hope this helps.