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Concerned about Significant Other's Child

Hello, Any and All who might be willing to offer feedback,

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes a moment to read this. I'm feeling very concerned about my current relationship.

Let me preface this post by sharing that my father is from Mexico ... this does allow for some different relationship standards. What I tell you may seem over-the-top for most Americans. I have a hard time leaving relationships, I am very committed to staying in them until it's clear that nothing good can come of them. Only then will I leave ... I fear that I might have to leave this relationship because of the child issue.

His father and I had a tumultuous beginning to our relationship. Both of us are passionate lovers, and had been bruised in the past, and so had to overcome a large amount of skepticism and cynicism to get to the point where we felt we would be able to fully trust each other and love in each other. There was enough love there, however, for us to pull through. It amazes me that we've made it this far. We at about the 6-month mark and we're very much in love. We've been talking about getting married and starting a family.

However ... he already has a family.

Although he and the mother of his child are no longer together, he has a 6 year-old son that he primarily cares for. He keeps his son twice as much as the mother does. She is an alright lady. I don't agree with her parenting style, I think she is rather negligent and inattentive, and I'm very happy that my man is the primary caretaker for his son. He is a very good father and they have a wonderfully close bond. When the boy is with his mother, he just plays adult video games all day and gets paid very little attention. It's terrible and actually probably criminal as well. This is why I want the boy to live with his father for as much time as possible and do not want to stand in the way of that.

But. The boy has always had his father's full attention, and has never had to compete for his affections before. He's accused his father of loving me more than him. I'm terribly concerned about this accusation as it's very serious. If he feels this way, I feel that something equally serious must be done.

My significant other feels that this would happen with anyone, and it's just a typical milestone, that is will pass. I'm not so confident that we're not doing permanent damage. The boy sulks and seems to outwardly despise me.

I have to deal with a large amount of negativity directed towards me at work and in other areas of my life, and find this intense dislike to be very unsettling. It's unacceptable to me. I think that something serious needs to be done, such as family therapy, or I should leave this relationship, once and for all. It breaks my heart, but where children are involved, I don't see much gray area. I take children very seriously ... they must come first.

Please let me know your thoughts ... I want to make this work. We're very much in love. But I don't want to hurt his child and I don't want to stand in the way of their relationship.

Thank you.

Vivica
3 Responses
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134578 tn?1693250592
I agree with you that the child has to come first, but I don't necessarily think this means you have to leave.  Is there any way for you (alone) to make friends with the child?  To ask him about his life in an understanding way, and to do things with him?  I am thinking of this rather than always stepping back and simply letting the child be the dad's responsibility.  If you know the kind of things that children his age do and like, and then engage him about them, one on one, it might go a long way.  It is not like children resist having adults in their world who are interested in them.  They love that!  They resist having adults in their world who are merely tolerant of their presence (or wish they weren't around) and also take the time of the adults who are interested in them.  Look at how much kids love their teachers and their nannies.  They don't resent them.  They know the teacher is there for them, not to be their dad's girlfriend.  If you can develop a relationship like that, you could be that rare thing, a beloved stepmother.  This would mean some work for you if you don't know any other 6-year-olds (you'll need to do your research to find out what they like and where they are emotionally) and it will take patience too.  But if you genuinely want a relationship with him, for his own sake and not just so you can marry the dad, he will be able to sense it and might relax and come around.
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535822 tn?1443976780
sorry keyboard got stuck   its meant to be ' if the childs father doesnt mind the video's "
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
This is what in my opinion happens when step parenting is involved and its not easy, you may not like the way his mother is bringing him up but she is his mother, reading this it sounds as if the childs father doesn'videos at his moms house you will get negativity from him, how could it be otherwise ,it would be best to win him over with fun and games and focusing on his positive side when he is with you guys .Really its up to his father to speak to the mom if he thinks that her up bringing is not good .If is it hard for you to accept the way the child is brought up it may be hard but you will have to or leave as you say ..I know you probably have the child's welfare at heart but in all truth especially if the Dad thinks its okay you need to take a step back .good luck I can see its not an easy situation .
Helpful - 0
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