Father daughter behavior

[missusf]

My husband and I are separated due to his inability to end an affair with a woman 26 years younger than him.  He is 54.  He had childhood sexual abuse (his father) for several years starting age 7.  Our daughter is 8 years old and told me today that her Dad licked her stomach.  She does have a tendancy to climb on everyone and hug and kiss.  When pressed for more info, she said he has also licked inside her ear and it was gross.  I called him out on it, although he denied it at first.  Am I overreacting?


This discussion is related to Father and daughter touching--What is appropriate?.

[rosemaree313]

I am so glad that you and your husband are working on things and that you seem to be able to have a good relationship for your kids if no other reason.  I understand your concern because it bothered your daughter and if my daughter said something like that to me I would be concerned as well.  I do think that he was just playing with her though.  I don't even think that it was inappropriate, I know that when my brother ( he was 14 years older than me, so more of a father figure) would wrestle or tickle me he would do things like that just to gross me out, and make me laugh.  Is it possible that was his only intent?  I also think talking to your husband about was the right call, if for no other reason then to let him know that it obviously bothered his daughter whether it was meant to or not.  I'm so sorry your family had to deal with all of this.  I'm sure it was embarrassing and upsetting for everyone involved.  

[Ashelen]

no one was saying it was okay for one, and not okay for the other, or vice versa.

she was simply giving detail by saying "father/daughter"...otherwise we would've all been scratching our head about the relationships of the people involved, and while you're right it doesn't matter as far as the actions go, it does help place context in our head so we can understand better who the involved parties are. I do not see any sexism involved in this post...I am very sorry you were hurt by a vengeful ex. Being accused of hurting your child when you did NOTHING (step-child included) is horrific if she was doing it just to hurt you....that is inexcusable no matter who you are.

But I think you are reading too much into this...the original poster handled this situation very well and in fact was inclined to believe her ex once she had understood the situation, which proves to me that there was no sexism or bias involved, but rather honest communication. can't ask for more than that!

[Dad122]

I think this thread is very bad from the onset , simply stating father/Daughter implies some connotation of sexuality or incest. Perhaps this would have been better labelled Parent/Child.

After all some mothers are lesbians or commit sexual abuse against boys, even their own sons. These boys are "lucky" while the girls are "abused"? I dont think so, and it is exactly the mentality that this thread seems to support. if it is okay for mother/son it is okay for father/daughter, or mother/daughter or father/daughter

I raised step daughters whom I love dearly. The day before my younger step daughter started her period she had a heart felt conversation with me about how I treated her brother and sister (my natural children) differently. I told her that it was too easy for a step father to "appear" to be too close to a step daughter. Her mother was away at that time and it was I that was with her the day she started her period. This is the little girl I took to preschool picked up from preschool and took to work with me.

As expected when I divorced her mother , her mother accused me of anything you could imagine with my step daughter one after another. I was able to disprove most , but I would have never accused her mother of something against a step son falsely as was done to me.

This is why it is important to take a more gender neutral role is these issues so people can realize that what is okay for mother son is okay for father daughter

men should not allow this kind of gender-ism to occur unrestrained. You may not understand the reasons why until you have lived it, and I hope none of you ever do! Lets not make this father daughter , rather parent child. If its okay for mom its okay for dad, PERIOD!

[natesmom616]

The fact that it was both kids together at the time of the incident makes it much easier to think of it more as unintentionally inappropriate behavior.  The definate positive of this is that he is getting the help that he needed so long ago.  It can only help his relationship with not only his children, but you as well.

I wish you well missusf.  Keep your faith and God will give you the strength that you need.

[missusf]

I appreciate the last two thoughts and by no means have brushed this incident aside. My husband doesn't live with us anymore but I am still watchful.  This behavior took place in the context of a big tickling fest with her 10 year old brother, her and their Dad.  The fact that he didn't realize that there are boundaries within those physical and crazy encounters is the most concerning, and yes it comes from the inappropriate things he suffered as a child. He is getting counseling on that now but its the first time in his life that he has admitted it.  All of this is bubbling up at the same time.
I'm able to have gentle regular conversations with my daughter about the time they spend with their Dad--she is extremely bright and articulate--and has no problem sharing her feelings about anything.  

[natesmom616]

I totally agree with CG24.  

Having sessions with your pastor is a wonderful start when dealing with the relationship between your husband and yourself, but possibly it would be in your daughter's best interest to speak with someone who is trained in dealing with possible abuse in children.  They would know best what actual signs to look for, even down to body language during discussions about the alleged abuse.

It very well may have been nothing more than a situation of EXTREME lack of good judgment on the part of your husband.  However, his history as a victim of abuse only adds to the possibility that he is acting in ways that he doesn't even realize are inappropriate.  Do you know if your husband receive any counseling or therapy after his own abuse?  

I'm so sorry, for it's such a difficult position that you've been put into.  But please, please remember that as her mom, you are your child's most important ali and confidant. In her eyes you are her protector, her "safe place" when nothing else is right in the world.   You are the one that she has to feel she can come to with anything and know that you will believe her and stand with her and protect her at all costs.

By no means am I saying that it MUST be true because your daughter said it.  As another post said, they made up things as a child to get what they wanted or simply for attention.  We have all seen stories of children making up stories of abuse that are later found to be untrue.  But your husbands history (though not his fault), as well has his intial denial of the entire event, should cause you question him greatly.  

My  prayers are with you for the strength and widsom you need to get thru this.   Trust your child first,  because you have so much more to lose than a husband if she is telling the truth.  

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Ally777]

"although he denied it at first.  Am I overreacting?"  He denied it!!  he's got you questioning yourself, you thought of your daughter to post the question for a third party opinion, your daughters father WAS abused himself, how many more alarm bells must you hear before you hear them?

Don't let your daughter down, you are more concerned about letting this man closer to his daughter when she should be as far away from him as possible.

[momagain59]

I would not leave your daughter alone with her Dad. He has crossed a safety boundary without obviously knowing it. Your daughter knew it was wrong or she would not have told you. Please do not dismiss what she has to say or how she feels about her Dad or she will just give up and quit talking about it. I tried to picture a situation where this could happen and I could not come up with anything that made sense, could you?

"She does have a tendency to climb on everyone and hug and kiss."
This does not give anyone the right to take advantage of her. Please help her keep safe.

[missusf]

We have discussed this in the presence of our pastor and I believe that my husband exhibited terrible judgement in this but really did not mean it in a sexual context.   At this point, he has now ended his affair and is totally mortified that all of this is being addressed in the presence of our long-time pastor and friend: his childhood abuse, his affair and even this inappropriate behavior with our daughter.  We are still separated but now attend twice weekly counseling sessions with our pastor and a christian counselor and he also goes on his own to deal with his childhood issues.   I think God has finally got his attention, he has put his resume out to leave his job where this woman also works.  I am open to reconciling if everything continues in this positive way.  I thank everyone so much for their thoughts and suggestions.  

[CG24]

I do not think you are over reacting.  I would suggest having a neutral third party - such as a family therapist - give an opinion after talking or working with your child.

[starcradle123]

hi i read your question and you might want to consider that maybe your daughter might want some attention from both parents i remember when i was young i lied to my mother and told her that my stepfather was cheating on her with another women becuase my parents where divored and i wanted them together i did not like my stepmother so  what i think you might want to ask your daughter i know its not quite simalar to what she has told you but kids can do the strangest things just for aome attention.I hope this helps you out some.

[surfermamma]

My biological father used to lick us in the ear too. He never abused us sexually, but it was definitely inappropriate!  You did the right thing. I still get the heebie jeebies thinking about it. YUCK!

[missusf]

I talked to him about it and believe that he was just not thinking how stupid that is.   We discussed appropriate ways to demonstrate to our daughter what a boy/man should and shouldn't do to her and came up with alternatives to licking her.  (Duh).  I want my husband's relationship with our children (one of which is autistic) to be as healthy and loving as possible even if we never reconcile.  To seek revenge on a partner not only shows remarkable immaturity/impulsivity, it also demonstrates a selfishness that sacrifices a child's needs on the alter of "parents needs". I can understand how some may automatically think that but in this case I just wanted to be sure a man who experienced years of sexual abuse isn't just doing what he was taught.  When confronted, he agreed that if HIS mom had called his father on the abuse, he wouldn't have suffered 5 years of it.  He was embarrassed but completely understood my concern and protective eye.  It actually opened up some communication about his affair which he is now claiming has ended and he wants me back.  Hmmmmmmm

[SeriousSam]

I would check it out, but...  Are you sure you are not just reaching for ways of getting revenge on your ex?

[Ravare]

No you are not over-reacting.

One of the problems with child sexual abuse is that Parents do not react fast enough. Dont make the mistake of letting it get to far. Since he was abused as a child you really need to either report this or get him some help. Even if you are wrong in your suspicions you are looking out for your daughter's well being. You are her mother and you have to do whatever you can to protect her.

Look into it, dont let it pass by. And if it isnt true, then try to find out if or why your daughter would say something like that and then explain to her how serious the situation can be,

But me, I would definitely check it out.