Father in & out of sons life

[sreese92]

My son is a year old. His father never wanted me to have him, & now is barely involved in my sons life. He only sees him when its convenient for him (which is rare) I've never heard him say he loves our son, doesn't even tell anyone about him, & doesn't try to see him on holidays or on his first bday! I feel like if he doesn't make a schedule & see our son more & consistently I should cut him off completely before my son becomes old enough to realize that his dad really doesn't seem to want anything to do with him but my mom says that I shouldn't cut him out of my sons life, that it wouldn't be good mentally. But I think his dad running in and out of his life would be worse..  what do you think and what would you do?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is perfectly reasonable to set some limits in this situation. That is, it is not reasonable for your child's father to insist on involvement as it suits him. The child's wellbeing is the first priority, and his father inconsistent involvemnt is not at all reasonable and won't be helpful going forward. If he wants to make a commitment to seeing his son ona regular schedule and can stick to that plan, fine. If he wants to continue along the current path I would not sign on to that plan. The situation can be complicated if he is supporting the child financially. Then his prerogatives become more important. Also, if there is any legal standing for the father you have to respect that and be sure to gain the court's approval for changes you would like to make.

[lili1989]

Hi I completely understand what you're goig through. When my son was a baby his dad was always in and out of his life... he would go months without seeing him and never called to see how he was. It got to to the stage where I was so fed up I told him if he wasnt going to visit on regular basis then not to bother at all. After a few months of hearing nothing (I also made no effort to contact him) he called me to arrange a visit. For the past year (son is 3 now) he has seen my son twice a week every week and things are fairly civil between us. Maybe you could try something similar? Hope this helps :-)