Help! Inappropriate grandfather behaviour

[SilviaZZZ]

Hi, I'm in a mess today, unable to concentrate on my work, so any help would be appreciated. This morning while we were getting ready, my daughter casually told me that she had (naked) showers with her step-grandfather (who has been like a grandfather to her since she was a baby).

She and her brother spent a few weeks of the summer with him and his grandmother, and apparently, known to everyone, including my ex-husband, the four of them would split into showers at the camp, with my ten year old son showering with his grandmother and my seven year old daughter showering with her grandfather. May I insist that it was in the nude. I had already heard that they often split in the same way for sleeping and I was already seriously uncomfortable with that, but the showering thing seems to be crossing all boundaries.

Although, of course, I cannot be sure, my gut feeling is that nothing sexual was going on. I asked my daughter in more detail than I would have liked, and she promised that he never touched her private parts and that she never touched his for any reason. When I asked both of my children why they didn't have showers boy/boy girl/girl (apparently the camp showers are difficult for a child to operate), they just said that Grandma likes my son more, and their step-grandfather likes my daughter better. Same reason for their sleeping arrangements, apparently.

Now, I've always had a very problematic relationship with my in-laws, as I have found them to be extraordinarily meddlesome, intrusive, and bound to take huge liberties according to their own views and principles without really considering mine (giving them the benefit of the doubt that nothing was going on, I'm just livid that they would not even consider that I might not like the idea of my daughter showering alone with a sixty year old man). Over the years, they have always had much more time with my children than I'm really comfortable with and often come back telling tales of how I do this or that wrong, which is very annoying to me, but since my children love them I've always tried to think of them first and let them spend a lot of time there. I feel like they are too involved with the kids and I don't like that, but don't want to hurt my kids or do things just to please my own ego.

I'm worried that if I tell my in-laws to stop this, they will further characterize me as a hysterical character with dubious ideas, reinforce that message to my children more than they already do, and might even continue to do it regardless. On the other hand, no way I'm sending them over  there again under these sleeping/showering arrangements. The children themselves see nothing wrong with it and like showering with Grandma and Grandpa respectively.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks!

[MrsBertrand]

My advice,do not let them go over over there again, I understand you don't want to hurt your kids, but you don't really know what's going on and if something bad is going on it will hurt your babies more than you telling them they can't go over there anymore, I know it's like a double edge swored but that's not normal at all

[Alll26]

Trust your mother's intuition and don't take any chances.  Get her out of there.  The potential risk to your daughter's well-being is much greater than the risk of upsetting the in-laws.  Something may be happening that she is too afraid to tell you.  Trust me, I was sexually abused by a family member and even now as an adult the trauma persists.

[SilviaZZZ]

Yes, it is totally bizarre. There´s a weird thing going on in that family where everyone assumes that it´s okay and normal that my boy and his Grandma have a special relationship, and my daughter and the grandpa have a special relationship too. I have always known that and it´s weird but whatever..I only found out today that apparently it extends to showers too.
It seems that in that campsite the showers aren´t segregated, it´s just cubicles, and yes, that man was showering in the nude with my daughter every single day they were there (and my son, who´s ten, with his grandmother). I want to believe that nothing untoward has happened or could happen, but on the other hand I think if it looks like a duck and it sounds like a duck...

[RockRose]

I don't understand - at all - adults showering with children.  In my case,  at campouts,  I did shower my kids but when I did,  I had a bathing suit on and the kids were truly too young to shower themselves.  

Why doesn't this married couple sleep with each other,  and allow the children to share a bed (or separate sleeping bags,  whatever the situation is).  I really don't get this.  I've seen cases where grandkids run into grandma and grandpas bed in the morning,  and everyone has a group cuddle and that's so cute,  but not separating out the kids and each sleeping alone with a different grandparent.

So.  At this campground,  stepgrandpa takes the girl into the men's bathroom and showers with her?  And grandma takes your boy into the women's to shower with him?

Nope.  I don't get it.