How do I correct a 4yr olds behavior?

[Ianakai]

I have a 4 yr old daughter that will be 5 in May, and for the most part she is a good girl. My fiance also has a 5 yr old son, who lives with Nana and Papa, and he comes over on the weekends. Her behavior problems come around more when my stepson is here, and when she doesn't want to do something she is told. She and my stepson will get along and then fight over something, and she will throw a fit and then they will play together again. I tell myself that this "normal" sibling behaviors, but he doesn't throw the fits as much as she does.  She says "I don't want to...", "NO" and then she screams... loud... loud enough to where the neighbors can hear her. I have tried timeouts, taken her toys away, made her go to bed, and even the dreaded spanking... nothing seems to help... and today she went overboard... we were at my in-laws, and she started the fits... over a game (Trouble). She started screaming and crying so much and so loud that I ended up having to take her home. It's embarrising... and I don't know what to do to correct it. I am scared that she will turn into one of those screaming kids at the grocery store. How do I correct her behavior?

[Ianakai]

We have caught him doing stuff on purpose to get her into trouble, and make her cry. It is difficult when it comes to my stepson though... since he doesn't live with us he lives with Gma and Gpa. I feel that they should be treated as equal as you can treat a 5yr old boy and 4yr old girl, however, my fiance.. well he feels differently. I look at it as he feels guilty for the fact that his son doesn't live with us, and my daughter does... (which wasn't my decision... if I had it my way they would both live here, this is something that him and his parents decided on before I was even in the picture). I don't know if it is one child or both where the jealousy occurs... him jealous over the fact that his dad lives with another child... and her over the fact that when her step brother comes over... he tends to get his way.

I went into this relationship thinking that it would be like the Brady Bunch... we would take two broken familes... and make it a whole.

I will look into the book you  suggested... and try the time outs again on the "naughty pillow".  

When we do catch one purposly tring to get the other into trouble... we get onto that child... seperate them and after time let them go back to playing with one another. I find myself asking my dad what he did when my sister and I didn't play nice... My fiance is no help in that area seeing as he himself is an only child... who still gets his way if I may add...

But this is not about me or the life that I have chosen... this is about my daughter... whom I love... and find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place when she gets out of line...

I hope to correct the issue before it does get any worse... seeing as she will start kindergarden next year... (she doesn't act like this in daycare either.. only when she is at home, my parents or my fiances parents house...)

So I will try the different methiods... and see which ones work best... thank you again for your input... this is why I am here... I am open for ideas and support on this ^^

[Sandman2]

   It probably will become worse because it is working for her.
As far as I know, timeouts are the most effective way (and least damaging) to solve the problem.  Do buy the book I mentioned, it will give you perhaps other ways or reinforce the correct way.
  You just haven't tried the timeouts long enough.  She has learned that you give up before she does.  Let her scream.  Sooner or later (probably later) she will learn that it is not working for her and she will start trying other ways to get her way.
  The fact that she is, "a good child, very sweet, thoughtful, and polite", pretty well indicates that this is not a psychological thing but a manipulative thing.  Kids with psychological problems cannot turn it off and on.  Do realize that she is doing this because she hasn't found a better way to express her self.  If you can help her find that way, it will also help.
  Now having said all of this.  This is what you do when she goes nuts.  There are things you can do to try and stop her from escalating to this point.
   Apparently, a lot of this happens when your stepson comes over.  Take a look at what is starting these behaviors.  He may not be treating her right.  She maybe jealous or resentful at having to share time, the list goes on.  You said her last fit was over a game.  I am assuming it was between her and the stepson?  It may be he has figured out a way to get to her - who knows.  But I have seen it happen.  What you can do is closely monitor (for awhile) their play.  Also let her know to tell you if something is going on and that you will try and deal with it.  Frankly, I am pretty sure (after a lot of years in education), that something is going on.  If you start dealing with that then it will help the situation.  

[Ianakai]

She hasn't ever hit, pushed, or slapped people... she has spit (something I am not fond of either... since she is a girl) but her screaming.... and the thrashing that she does. I know I don't have all the answers... which is why I came here for help....

Time outs don't work with her... they just don't work with her... getting down and talking on her level... that doesn't work either... she is very hard headed... (like me) ... which probably doesn't help either...

I guess I want to know if there is any other way... anything else that I can try...Something that will put it in her head that she is the child and she needs to listen when I tell her to do something... and that she can't throw fits and can't scream like she is being kidnapped...

Like I said... for the most part she is a good child, very sweet, thoughtful, and polite... and then she will do a 360... and turn into a demanding, screaming, backtalking little girl...

I tried the timeouts... and it wasn't a one day thing... it was a steady thing... she sat in timeout screaming...(she ended up falling asleep).

I made it a point not to ever spoil her, but from her recent behaivor... you would think that I was one of those mothers who gives her child every little thing she wants.. when she wants... and how she wants it...

She didn't really go through a "terrible two" stage... can this be a "terrible 4" stage that will pass when she is 5?? Or will it become worse if I don't nip it in the bottom now??

[Sandman2]

  Lots of posts on this so don't feel like you are the only one having this problem.
When she goes out of control, you give her a timeout.  If she refuses to go - you pick her up and put her into the time out.  You tell her that when she is quiet, she can come out.  You repeat this over, and over, and over, and over.  Nothing will happen overnight.  You must be consistent and never physically hurt her.
You do the same thing if she hits, pushes, or slaps people.  By the way, kids learn from what is happening around them.
You might also want to obtain a copy of Lynn Clarks' book, "SOS: Help for Parents."
  One of the problems that you are having is that you apparently keep changing the punishment.  Good things will not happen overnight.  You must be very consistent with the timeouts.  It will work.