I completely understand the writer! It is never ever right nor fair to put a child first in a marriage or any serious relationship. The child should always come second, or else a relationship between two adults will never be enjoyable. These days, people love to coddle their children and give them everything they want, but that is not right and it will turn the kid into a huge brat. To most of the people who made comments: Stop doing everything your kid wants and think about yourself and your happiness for once. And to the writer: tell him what you think he is doing wrong! If you want to be a part of his life and he wants you to be there, then your opinions matter too! And he should care about how you feel and listen to your thoughts. Tell him his kid is brat... if his kid acts like that towards you in front of him, then your boyfriend may be the problem... He shouldn't let his kid do that to you. But, you should try talking to him about it and he might realize that you actually care and listen to you.
Overall, kids should never come first!! It will ruin any relationship.
I think feeling jealousy toward a partner's child is a very natural response - anyone who denies it is, well, in denial. People come up with creative ways of dealing with it in step-families that work...and the alternative is, they don't work. Your bf could do something "in-the-moment" when his son disrespects you (not great parenting to allow him to talk that way to anyone without interfering somehow)...and you could seek counseling because this is ALWAYS a difficult situation.
Your not on your own. I don’t like my brother son. He’s so rude and ignorant. I have a daughter with my bf and every time the son comes his daughter is last in everything. For her 1 birthday he was all for his son and she was left out. I really don’t like the kid.
I am in a relationship with a 60 year old man and he has a 3 year old son and 2 grown children - I am 53 all three of my children are grown and I have Grand children. I tried to tell him that I was finding it hard to adapt to having a 3 year old around and he straight away thought I had an issue with him, Why cant he see that I need support with regards to this. We have him every other weekend and it seems as if I interact with him more with regards to play etc he just gives him his phone head phones and lets him watch peppa pig etc . He is being night trained at the moment but he always expects me to get up and if he's had an accident he wants me to change the bedding etc. I am beginning to feel like more like a nanny than his girlfriend that should be his responsibility not mine he is his son. He wants us to go on holiday. I've done the whole being tied to a kid thing - how do I tell him how I am feeling - should I just leave the relationship. I dread the weekend we have him because we do nothing with that time to be honest and I work all week. If I say Im going to do something on my own he doesn't want that I cant even go to the store as he loves us doing things together. We have him from Thursday to Sunday so I have planned to go get manicure pedicure and my hair cut and xmas shopping so that I feel I have made use of my time - Not just sit in doors because he cant be bothered to go out with his son. He is quite a lazy man and really is too old to be bringing up a son @ 60 but he is here.
I am a father of 2 children and my gf is a mother of 2 children. Also, my sister (not a mom yet) married a man with 2 kids. Her husband and I have had common approaches to these situations. As parents, we do not allow our kids to disrespect anyone we care about (or pretty much anyone for that matter). We also understand that they are kids and they are not going to completely understand everything we would like then to understand until they old enough to do so. Sometimes the best we can do is say something along the lines of, I know this isn't an ideal situation (either having to share a house with someone new or not being able to have in person access to both parents at the same time) but this is the situation we are in and all I want is to give you the best life i can. It may not seem that way and you may not understand until you are much older, and I understand at times you're going to angry or upset or uncertain. that's ok, that's normal. we just need to be able to share our feelings without being disrespectful to the people we love with.
IMHO, if your SO sincerely loves you and cares about you and their children, then they will not stand for any disrespect either way. Whethrr its from the child to their SO or ftom their SO to their child. Not to say none of us ever slip up or make a mistake or let emotions get the best of us at times, but that's when you step in and give them a chance to calm down.
My advice would be..find a man without kids. Im in a 6 years already relationship with a man who has a 7 yr old who behaves exactly like her mother who is a terrible person, and I believe that just for being her daughter she carries in her blood the same malicious and evil behavior.
Im thinking on leaving him since he is blind towards all her evilness and loves her on top of me.
Thank you for this dialogue. I too am struggling with this issue. My BF and I have been dating a little over 18 months, and we moved in together about 6 months ago. I have a 7 year old daughter and he has a 5 year old son. I have my daughter full-time (and she loves my BF), but my BF has his son 50% of the time (and the son has no/little use for me). Our children are very different, though they get along most of the time. It complicates the issue that my BF is a teacher at the middle school my daughter is projected to attend that happens to be across the street from our home. My BF's ex-wife is also moving into the neighborhood with her fiance, and has demonstrated that (while her heart is in the right place) she has very few social boundaries. This has also been stressful. It gives me endless anxiety to consider all the forces at work here, especially since I am still questioning the relationship with my BF. It seems like a lose-lose situation unless something changes.
My BF's son is "full throttle" all the time, and my BF admits that he is hyperactive. He is loud, aggressive, and even head-butted my child in the face the first time they spent significant time together because she "got in his face" (she was asking him what he wanted to eat at a restaurant). It is an issue that bothers me daily, an issue I BEGIN to forget when we are without him (especially because my BF is a positive influence on my daughter), but I am instantly reminded of his loud, aggressive nature the minute we reenter the house together.
I have started to schedule vacations separate for my daughter and I. When the 4 of us do vacation or spend time together, I find myself criticizing his son, feeling exhausted, and feeling less-than-present for my daughter (and for my BF, as well as for myself). I don't think it's fair to any of us, and I have never been in this situation before.
Any additional words of wisdom are sure appreciated, but I too am considering leaving the relationship for these reasons, even though my BF is loveable and wonderful in so many ways.
I don't agree with everyone who says the relationship must end, but I do think several things have to change. The most important being what Christa got at: your boyfriend has to start taking a stand for you.
Of course the relationship btw'n father and son is paramount and sacred, and the reality is, you will never fully be a part of it, unless you are exceedingly lucky.
But you are important, too, and the child has to show basic respect toward you. In my experience, that can only come via the father letting the son know you are someone he cares for and respects, and that he wants his son to respect.
You can't automatically get a kid to like you, though it's a lot easier at 4 than at 8, which is what I'm dealing with. A 4-year old is usually open to play--any kind of play. Legos, coloring, toy cars, Play-Doh. I didn't hear you say you are doing any of these things with him, so I'd recommend that as a starting point. You've got to relate to the kid on his level, and a 4-year old is only capable of so much. If you deal with him on his terms, he'll be much more open to building something with you.
I'm in the unfortunate situation of my bf having a jealous ex-spouse, who has been continually poisoning the well and saying crappy things about me to her son, and now I have to deal with an 8-year old who isn't always thrilled having me around. But I take time to joke around with him, play video games or show him stuff I think he might like. I had a lot more success with him as a 4-year old than at 8. His mother's negative spin on things has colored his perception of me.
What I do now is when he stays for the weekend, I let them have their private time together come Friday and I go out with my friends or hang out in my room and read. On Saturday morning, I do a mix of hanging with them and leaving them alone, then I ask my bf to go out with him for several hours (I haven't had great success with this b/c both of them like staying inside playing videos), and sometimes I go out with both of them (we used to do this more often). On Saturday night, we all play around on videos or occasionally do a movie night. On Sundays, we are all pretty relaxed and it's a free-for-all til 5pm, when he has to leave for his mom's.
It is far from a perfect arrangement and I still have arguments with my bf over it, because I don't think he does a good enough job of "making me part of the story," but I wanted to give another perspective and some strategies for making things run a bit smoother, because it doesn't have to be relationship-ending, per se.
However, if you really aren't feeling much for the kid, you're going to have to either change your attitude or behavior, because you can't change him. He's only 4.
Be the adult in the room and ensure your bf is, too.
Several typos in that, but i hope you get the gist, please reach out if i can offer any insight. Good luck Lisa
I have been scouring the internet for hours now to find help. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. He has a 15 year old son. His son goes back and forth spending 1 week with his mother and 1 week with his father. When he first started school, I seemed to have been the only one making sure he did his homework, just like my own 3 kids. He had good grades and passed all his classes. That stopped when he reached high school. At that time, his dad didn't feel it was necessary to keep an eye on him. That's when I noticed he wasn't doing his homework and was putting minimal effort in school. Not my problem? Well when my own kids see that he's getting away with it, my kids start to wonder how come they can't. It sort of is a double standard for me and makes me feel like a hypocrite. He has no motivation and is glued to his video games all the time when he's at his mom's house. At our house, I've pretty much cut him off those privileges, as those are rewards he has not earned. Every time I tell him to do something around the house, he throws fits and slams things and starts stomping around the house. This has been going on pretty much the whole duration of our relationship. Nothing but complete disrespect towards me. His dad doesn't say anything to him about it, maybe that's why he keeps doing it, because he can get away with it. If that was my kid, he'd get a smack at the back of the head. I'm at the point where I'm pretty much fed up and am at the point where I just refuse to talk to him and just ignore him. It's not healthy...for everyone in the house, and I don't know what to do anymore. Marriage, I think, is not a priority for his dad and I anymore. We have discussed it a couple of times, and at one point he told me that we can't get married until I change my ways with his son. I think I should have walked away at that point. It's a subject I've pretty much dropped and no longer care to discuss. Here I am now, wondering should I just move on with my life without them? I'm in my mid 40's and I have 3 college aged children. Definitely not looking to starting a new relationship, but if it happens, it happens. I am nothing but annoyed and pissed off every time he's here with us, and it's not fair to everyone. I'm tired of it. I've held on for as long as I can, and I am having the hardest time to keep holding on. It feels like it would be so much easier to let go. But damn, 16 years....and all for nothing =(
I think if someone feels jealousy for a child should probably not be with someone who has a child. There are plenty of fish in the sea. find a guy without kids. good luck
I agree SM.
Jealousy over another woman's child is terrible? I should say so. The story of Solomon and the two babies - one dead and one living - where the mother of the dead baby wanted the living baby cut in two - always gives me chills.
Some women have terrible jealousy over other mother's children, some don't. I suggest you find a man who doesn't have children if the very existence of his little girl makes you so mad.
I think that it isn't about judging, it's about seeing a situation without biased or emotion and knowing that we've ALL been in love. That's not new. But if there is a child involved, that comes before us. And being a person who can walk away for the sake of someone's relationship with their child is a good thing. If you choose not to, then you should pretend to your grave that you adore this child because I would NEVER allow someone into my life that didn't care for my kids. They are part of me and so much more important than a new honey. That is what parenting is about. For 18 years, kids should come first. good luck. It must be hard to hate something that is actually a part of the person you are feeling strong emotions for. good luck
I've been going out with a man who I'm head over heels with and I can't stand his daughter , this is wrong I know but emotions are a very powerful thing and no one should judge till they have experienced this . Jealousy over another women's child is terrible , and if any one could help control them , then you would be a millionaire
I've been going out with a man who I'm head over heels with and I can't stand his daughter , this is wrong I know but emotions are a very powerful thing and no one should judge till they have experienced this . Jealousy over another women's child is terrible , and if any one could help control them , then you would be a millionaire
I am having the same problem as you except my boyfriend actually takes up for me when his two sons disrespect me. I still have resent from them but it might be where I'm still young and do not have any children of my own. I have asked for advice and all I hear is "your free your young your beautiful that's not your respinsibility and that's not your mistake move on" but I love this man so much and I want that connection with his kids....I just don't know if that connection will ever form...I need help
I would have to also agree, although before becoming a mother I would most likely have sided with you but now that im a mother I would have to say that maybe your a little resentful of the fact that your not no 1 with your bf.. any child in the situation will ultimately stand before you. But i do sense that you have tried to get along with the child, but being a single parent i do have to say that the little boy obviously has seperation issues from his dad and must miss him terribly when hes not with him and therefore has obviously as a child does made it clear that when hes wit his dad that he wants him to himself. But i really dont think its fair of your bf to just shut you out at the same time or take his anger out on you! he should as a parent also be able to logically work out some way of getting his son to know you better and vice versa so there is a good relationship between you if he loves you both, I hope it all works out for you xxx
I agree with the others too. The best thing you can do is end the relationship with your boyfriend to benefit everyone involved in this situation.
A four year old boy is not "mean." A child that young has no clue how to express their emotions in a sugar coated way, they just say what they think and they don't think about how it'll hurt other's feelings--they're still in the process of learning to be socially polite.
To top it off, a four year old child spending 50/50 with each parent between two homes is NOT a stable situation for a child. I don't care how civil the parents can be with each other; tossing a kid back and forth between them, between homes, is never ideal for a child. A child that young doesn't understand the lack of security he feels because of it either. All he's going to know is that between each home, the only security he feels is with each parent--and clearly he feels you jeopardize that between him and his dad. It's nothing personal against you, I assure you. I can imagine with him being four years old that his parents divorced sometime within the last 2-3 years or less, possibly after he's formed memories of having them together. And you say you've been with your boyfriend for a year, so I'm assuming within a year and a half to two years, he moved on to you after his divorce. And then six months after knowing you, you two live together.
Imagine how a four year old boy can process this in a mature way.
He can't.
Moving on from this relationship to one that does not involve children would be a very wise decision.
I also have to back up what the others are saying. If something happened and my husband and I broke up, just the thought of my son having someone in his life that didn't like him would be more then I could handle.
If you are not prepared to end the relationship, you need to take a step back and allow this 4 year old to have his time alone with daddy. That is such an important relationship, and I suspect that is a big part of why this child is acting this way. He is just a little boy. He's not mean, he is just in a tough situation...it's not easy for a small child to be shuttled back and forth like that and I am sure he sees you as an interloper. At the end of the day there is nothing more important to a parent then his/her child (at least for most of us). I too wouuld find someone else.
newwave, I completely agree with the others. The thing is, you're not describing any behaviors at all about this child that are obnoxious, except he doesn't want to compete with you for his father. Otherwise I'm guessing he's a well behaved pleasant little boy with normal behavior.
Kids are so sensitive. He knows you don't like him.
If you stay with this boyfriend, likely you'll have a baby and you'll love the baby but not your stepson, and it will compound things.
There are guys who don't have kids - it seems best to find one of those and let this man go to focus on his son that he loves very much.
This is the most important advice I can give you and I mean it with my whole heart. It is for the benefit of you, your boyfriend and his son------------- You must end this relationship as soon as possible.
When we get romantically involved with another person that has kids---------- we must realize that the parent/child relationship supercedes ours. That is the primary relationship and is sacred. We only have one chance to be a parent and . . .obviously MANY chances to be a boyfriend/girlfriend.
When the significant other of our parent doesn't like us--------- it can do emotional harm and is so unfair to a child. It is not their fault who they are. If they are not perfect in regards to behavior (and show me one that is)--------- maybe it is a product of the instability of two homes, different styles of parenting in each, etc. His father and mother---------- those two together------- should discuss how to best help him be all he can be.
I'm a mother and if I thought for one second someone was judging my child and possibly not liking them--------- I'd throw them out on their ear. My kids are that important to me. And they should be so to every parent.
So, I think you'll be happier with someone else that does not have the additional responsibility of a child in their life. Good luck and do the right thing here.
I think it would be best if you let the bf go, this child is only 4 year old and you will have many problems if you dont like being around the child now ..I would expect a good Dad to get angry ,time to look elseware without a child involved ....