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Is there something very wrong with my 2 year old
My Daughter turned 2 in Janurary... since she was 14 months old, she started developing an anger issue.. screaming about everything, biting, pinching and hitting her 6 year old brother. I have reasoned with her, consoled her, punished her (timeouts). At 18 months her screaming fits became worse, still would not leave her brother alone. I've tried spanking, timeout, taking things away, speaking firmly.. nothing is woring and i am being consistant, even seeing it isn't phasing her a bit. Now her tantrums range from wake up to bed time.. screaming all day, hurting her brother, throwing things on the ground, clearing anything on any surface, breaking things, biting herself, throwing herself against walls and floors.. I also tried ignoring her tantrums thinking she will stop.. it only makes her worse.. her behavior is effecting our family in a very negative way and I am about at my limit of sanity. Her 6 yr old brother refuses to play with his toys because she wants them so she ruins them. He walks around crying all day saying he wishes she was never born.. and wishes he was never born so he wouldn't have a horrible life... we just had another baby and her tantrums have remained the same. I am finding i am neglecting my son attention wise, and cant even hold the baby for more than a minute not even to feed the baby. Ive tried getting her involved with what im doing, but she wont unless its her idea..She wakes up at least 3 times a night and recently started having these "night terrors" where she is totally inconsolible. she is excellent and so lovable everywhere else. She is a very bright little girl and she makes me so incredibly sad i find myself never saying positive things about her.. I don't know if I should find out if there is a mental reason for her behavior or if this is just normal terrible 2s and to deal with it. I don't want to ignore the problem here, all i see is her becoming harder to deal with as she grows. I have started a new form of trying to get control from her. I have started holding her whole body against mine so she cannot move. so far i am having a hard time with seeing it thru because it takes so long and shes still going strong.. what should I do.
Best Answer
I just wanted to say that what you describe about how she plays with her baby doll is terrific. Pretend play is a developmental area that clinicians look for. Autistic children have great trouble with this as do kids with a number of delays. A child with motor planning might look at a toy but not be able to organize thought as to what to do with it.
However, I did want to tell you that intelligence and developmental issues don't necessarily affect one another. My son is very smart as well and cognitively has no issue. However, he does have a developmental delay.
It does sound like she has a hard time with self soothing and she is still young. You may just have a rough period until she is a bit older and can follow through with the techniques that you help her learn. And remember, all things take time. You must try them for a bit and be consistent.
I think it will be okay. Stay calm and just remember, that this is how life goes. Some kids require more of us than others and you just do the best you can. Make sure to take that mommy break too! We need it when we have a challenging child. good luck
However, I did want to tell you that intelligence and developmental issues don't necessarily affect one another. My son is very smart as well and cognitively has no issue. However, he does have a developmental delay.
It does sound like she has a hard time with self soothing and she is still young. You may just have a rough period until she is a bit older and can follow through with the techniques that you help her learn. And remember, all things take time. You must try them for a bit and be consistent.
I think it will be okay. Stay calm and just remember, that this is how life goes. Some kids require more of us than others and you just do the best you can. Make sure to take that mommy break too! We need it when we have a challenging child. good luck
I thought all of your responses were very helpful, thank you.. She is a very smart little girl. as to the comment of her acting out when I concieved, that is a negative.. she started this a few months before i concieved. She was a very happy little girl I think i have an idea what triggered her anger. My husband joined the army and left for basic when she was four months old. after basic we saw him for one day, then he left for job training for 7 months. he got to stay home for 6 months after we moved from michigan to colorado. My husband deployed last July and i decieded to move back to Michigan to have help with family, but didn't have a place so my son, daughter and pregnant me stayed a week with one person, and another 2 weeks with another person, then found a place. I can pin point the immidiate change for the worse about a month after we got to colorado. she wants to help me all the time, i can get her to calm down sometimes by asking if she wants to help do the dishes or sweep. she likes to hold the baby and get me the diapers and wipes so i try to involve her in things. last night i tried the restraining thing... she fought me and flailed violently and it was very hard for her and i to do this.. for 15 minutes i held her telling her when she stops i would let go, and i loved her and it was okay... the fit was brought on by me telling her to put applesauce back in the fridge.. she learned to open it up and now thinks she can take and eat whatever she wants. after she finally heard me tell her i would let go, she stopped screaming. I asked her for a hug and she turned and looked at me, started to cry and asked for her grandmother.. who she had just spent the weekend with. I was stunned, she's never said that before.. i do know that she runs their house tho. she does get angry over a lot of things when she cannot for example, put her shoe or sock on she screams.. and to specify,.. her screaming is too loud to let her hear me tell her when shes done i will talk to her.. when she has trouble putting the sock or shoe on she throws a fit. i tell her it is okay and if she needs help ask mommy and mommy will help. yes, she is well behaved everywhere else, even with me there... she still doesnt listnen to me, but at a normal level.. not to the extreme like at home... as soon as we step foot in our house, she goes off. i don't understand it.. maybe it's too small, maybe i need to take her out more.. which is hard when you're mom AND dad and have no one to watch the wee one so i can do that. i also do not believe in children having ADHD.. only for the fact that every child now is diagnosed with it, sooo it should tell someone that it is normal for a child to have energy.. a kid runs around more than it's siblings and they give them a label and a script. i don't think so.
I did do and still try to get her to breathe in and out when she is angry. she isn't getting it but i just started to introduce it to her. i am out of my mind trying to find different ways to try and get her to calm down. the only toys she plays with are her baby dolls. she rocks them, puts them in the carseat and the swing, even wraps them in a blanket and says ' shh, mommy, baby nuh night" and sings to the babydoll. there is one thing i can do to make her go to sleep quickly and on time.. but it effects my time with my son...since she was born, caressing her arms legs, back , tummy, and face puts her in a trance. . relaxes her to where she stops what she's doing.. when i put her to bed, she hold her arm out and wants me to caress it, she does this with each thing. it took 10 minutes for me to get her to sleep happy and peacefully. i came out of the room and gave my son a smile and a thumbs up and he smiled really big and said "what? she went to sleep!?!?!" i said yes and he got up and said 'what do you want to do with me!!" he looked at the clock and got sad because he only had 10 minutes left until bed time... so we found a show we both liked and i got to cuddle with him for a while..
I already asked the doctor what he recomended i do about this.. she has an appt with him next week to determine whether or not she needs testing. A friend also brought to my attention that his sister was like my daughter and it turned out to be a reaction to red dye in food products.. i wrote a list of questions and thoughts to bring up so i will keep updated on the next step. I don't want to have her labeled or put on medicine.. I just want to know how to help my little girl and make her happy again. the books mentioned sound like a good idea.. the hands are not for hitting one sounds useful. I will look into it. and thank you again to everyone for their input. :)
I did do and still try to get her to breathe in and out when she is angry. she isn't getting it but i just started to introduce it to her. i am out of my mind trying to find different ways to try and get her to calm down. the only toys she plays with are her baby dolls. she rocks them, puts them in the carseat and the swing, even wraps them in a blanket and says ' shh, mommy, baby nuh night" and sings to the babydoll. there is one thing i can do to make her go to sleep quickly and on time.. but it effects my time with my son...since she was born, caressing her arms legs, back , tummy, and face puts her in a trance. . relaxes her to where she stops what she's doing.. when i put her to bed, she hold her arm out and wants me to caress it, she does this with each thing. it took 10 minutes for me to get her to sleep happy and peacefully. i came out of the room and gave my son a smile and a thumbs up and he smiled really big and said "what? she went to sleep!?!?!" i said yes and he got up and said 'what do you want to do with me!!" he looked at the clock and got sad because he only had 10 minutes left until bed time... so we found a show we both liked and i got to cuddle with him for a while..
I already asked the doctor what he recomended i do about this.. she has an appt with him next week to determine whether or not she needs testing. A friend also brought to my attention that his sister was like my daughter and it turned out to be a reaction to red dye in food products.. i wrote a list of questions and thoughts to bring up so i will keep updated on the next step. I don't want to have her labeled or put on medicine.. I just want to know how to help my little girl and make her happy again. the books mentioned sound like a good idea.. the hands are not for hitting one sounds useful. I will look into it. and thank you again to everyone for their input. :)
I agree with the others, but have a question. Your statement "she is excellent and so lovable everywhere else" really caught my eye. So outside the home, she is sweet and lovable, always? That if she's out of the home all day her behavior is well within the normal range for a 2 year old?
It would be helpful before going to the doctor if you keep a daily journal of her behavior. Even the most ill behaved child is USUALLY behaving well. When you're in the situation it seems like they are misbehaving 90% of the time, but usually they are misbehaving about 10%, the rest is calmer behavior. But anyway, before you take her in to the doctor (where apparently he won't see any of this behavior since it's out of the home) be very clear how often she is behaving this way during the day.
It sounds like this behavior began when you conceived your new baby? That's interesting too and worth noting, and it's worth noting that she had an abrupt behavior change. Looking back if you noticed a true C change in behavior - up to 14 months she was relaxed and agreeable and very quickly completely changed her behavior, that's something the doctor should know. If she simply just became a little worse with the same behaviors, that's not such a clue.
Best wishes. Reading your post feels exhausting.
It would be helpful before going to the doctor if you keep a daily journal of her behavior. Even the most ill behaved child is USUALLY behaving well. When you're in the situation it seems like they are misbehaving 90% of the time, but usually they are misbehaving about 10%, the rest is calmer behavior. But anyway, before you take her in to the doctor (where apparently he won't see any of this behavior since it's out of the home) be very clear how often she is behaving this way during the day.
It sounds like this behavior began when you conceived your new baby? That's interesting too and worth noting, and it's worth noting that she had an abrupt behavior change. Looking back if you noticed a true C change in behavior - up to 14 months she was relaxed and agreeable and very quickly completely changed her behavior, that's something the doctor should know. If she simply just became a little worse with the same behaviors, that's not such a clue.
Best wishes. Reading your post feels exhausting.
I agree with cheshi it may be a good idea to get the behavior checked out especially with the night terrors 3 times a night ..good luck
I would take her to the doctors for tests,it could just be a phase that she is going through but it do sound more serious than that,speak to your health visitor as well,she could have a form of ADHD.
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With that said, I agree that a developmental evaluation never hurts. If she is able to maintain behavior outside of the home though---------- then that is a clue that there is no developmental issue but instead an issue with home dynamics. It sounds like you've tried many things but some of them sound like things she is punished for. Yelling, spanking (adult version of hitting), escalating of your own temper. So . . . in that regard, I'd definately take a different approach. I'd stay as calm as you possibly can. Don't yell and I find putting my tongue to the roof of my mouth stops this. I'd not spank a volatile child as it really does send a mixed message.
Kids that are your daugher's age are often quite extreme in their showing of emotion. They have limited verbal ability to communicate so they "show" how they feel. Many have trouble with this. It helps to slow things down and talk about what she is feeling. Books on emotions help that you can check out from the library. Lots of books to choose from with kids words to help give her the language she needs to "use her words" rather than her reaction. Then you can give her some alternatives to try when she is angry. The time to present these are when she is calm and in a good mood. Things like a "cool down" spot she can go to , using that language you've helped her with from books, counting to 10, taking some deep breaths and blowing out the anger (do it with her), etc. are helpful for slowing down the tantrum/anger process. And as you see her starting to escalate--------- before it gets to the fit stage, you start reminding her to do some things to calm herself. Say "you look like you are getting mad, lets take some deep breaths and blow that anger out of us!"
The hitting, pinching, etc. is obviously unacceptable. I like the book "hands are not for hitting" which illustrates this point. And another book for you that is on an effective parenting techinique is "1-2-3 Magic". She is still little but I think if she hits, it is an immediate, calm response from you. I often had the 'bargaining' chip which was a much loved item. If you hit, that item is taken for a short bit (can't be too long). If she is screaming, you calmly say you will speak to her when she stops yelling because you can't understand her. This has always worked for my kids. If you throw a toy, you lose the toy. If you scream in the car, I pull over. Things like that. She is still little and the discipline part gets a little easier as she gets older. But stay consistent and stick with whatever you try for a long while. It takes at least 3 weeks to see any effect from a parenting strategy so even if you don't think it is working, keep at it.
Night time, I don't know. I do think you have a smart little girl. Has she found something that works to get you to pay attention during the night and this is now a habit? I also think that with my boys, the more physical activity we have during the day the better their night's sleep. Keep her really active. Bigger son, smaller baby----------- regardless, you need to still get your middle child as much physical activity as possible.
I have two boys. My older son has sensory integration disorder which is a developmental delay and my younger one does not. I'm familiar with feeling like I pay more attention to one sibling over the other----------- but such is life. Some kids do require more care than others. As long as you make sure your other kids feel loved, it is fine. It is life and the way it works out.
If you are still concerned about a developmental issue, you can talk to your pediatrician. They can refer you to your city's (if you are in the US) agency that handles early intervention. By law, kids birth to age 3 can be evaluated for developmental issues for free and services provided as needed. After age three, the local school system takes over.
good luck. Parenting is really hard work ---------- also get some breaks for yourself here and there to recharge your batteries!