Dealing with a stepchild who doesn't listen to me.

[rosequinn]

So I have a stepson and whatever I say he doesn't listen to me. He is 4 years old. He only listens to his father and mother but he Dean listen to me. He also has another nanny that he listens to but its just me he doesn't. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 9 months now but he still won't listen. What do I do? I've sat down and talked to him several times and ask him why but he just says I don't know.

[RockRose]

I would also be curious,  what rules do you enforce when you are alone with this child,  that the father doesn't allow you to enforce once he's in the picture?  What rules does he break by "being excited to see his dad"?

[RockRose]

My guess is, he's not "perfectly happy" at all in your care.    But rather, has no other advocate so he has to follow your rules since he is smaller and defenseless.

Once his dad comes home,  he has another advocate in the house and can finally act like a child again.  

Do you have any bio kids of your own?  My guess is,  once you do,  you'll realize the value of children,  and the value of giving them some freedom to choose their own behaviors.  

[skyler411]

9 months is really not that long in a child's eyes. Especially when he had to adjust from going from one house to another! You need to work on your relationship with him in order to gain his respect to fallow your rules.
I would take a step back and let his dad be more of the othoruty figure for awhile. Unless your alone with him and its becomes a safety issue.
After all we are talking about a 4yr old right?
Be patient and I bet you two in time will have a great relationship.
   My best wishes to you and your family

[rosequinn]

My relationship with the child is better. Except when he is around his dad he acts up. Its like he forgets all the rule I've been telling him since I've been his nanny/caretaker. When he and I are alone together he listens and is perfectly happy and great but once his dad is home he just jumps around and every rule goes out his head. Then my boyfriend thinks I'm the mean one when I tell him to listen. We also have 50% custody and its like I have to tell the child to chill out. I know he is excited to see his dad but even with his dad around he should learn.

[specialmom]

PS:  you never ask a four year old why they do something expecting to get any type of deep answer.  That is beyond their reasoning level to explain for you to understand.  "I don't know" will be the response for the next few years because of a 4 year olds emotional and communication developmental level.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, one thing that always comes to mind for me when I read a story such as this is what the child must be going through.  His parents have split up and he is only four.  He's taken from home to home and this creates a feeling of instability for some kids.  That is really hard on them.  His authority figures are who they would be in any other family---  his mother and his father and another nanny that has been a caretaker.  He is expected to now treat you the same and maybe just isn't there yet with how he views you in his life.  I don't know if that is the case but it could be.  You also may have a style that is such that he doesn't feel you are in charge.  

My suggestion is for his father, your boyfriend, to talk to him about respecting ALL adults.  Not just you but any adult that he comes in contact with.  His teachers, his friends parents, and you.  Then if it is being resistant to you because he maybe isn't thrilled on some level that dad lives with you (children have funny ways of showing things like that) ---  he knows that listening to you has nothing to do with who you are to his dad but rather that you are an adult and kids listen to ALL adults.  

This is a matter for his father to work out with him.  

I would stay away from being super authoritarian with him and try to bond but even in those situations, a child must listen to an adult.  I've taken my nieces and nephews places when they were tiny and it was seen as a fun outing for them and they had to listen to me for their own safety and for the trip to remain fun.  So, he needs to understand that.  He obeys adults, all adults, including you.

Teaching kids to show respect is important.   But his bio parents need to be the teachers for this at this point.  Perhaps your relationship will evolve to where he trusts you and looks at you like another parent but it is not there yet and you can't just MAKE that happen on his end.  But you CAN get respect as an adult from him as adults should.  

good luck

[makeithappen02]

Hi, hope you are doing ok.did you talk with the dad or the child? I understand how you can feel about this situation. Can you describe a bit your relationship with the child? Do you connect and communicate with you naturally?