My 9 year old can't be honest

[Articoky]

My son just can't be honest. He was bought up in a custody battle which lasted for 7 years and he learnt how to manipulate both parents by telling each one of us about the other and what he can't stand. He makes so many things up which is one of the reasons the custody battle went on for so long. His father accused me of beating him which was not true but he made sure that my son said the right words when interviewed then rewarded him with anything he wanted. He also spent a couple of years being brain washed by his father who wanted him to tell the court to live with him which thankfully he didn't. He can't stand his younger brother, he hates school and doesn't seem to care about anything apart from computer games. I have taken him to a child psychologist but he can't even be truthfull in front of her. An example is, He tells me things like 'when I am 14 I will go to the court and tell them I don't want to live with dad anymore'. Because of what he says and how he feels about his dad I get a babysitter when I am working to look after him which I am not supposed to do but then I find out the at the first opportunity he tells his dad.

This whole situation is worrying and is causing a lot of tension in the family and what I have mentioned is only a tiny but of a huge mess. What can I do? I would really value some advice, thanks

[Sandman2]

   Wow, I sure hope you get a more supportive teacher next year.  At least dad shouldn't still be PTA president.  By the way, you have a legal right to all the information that the father gets.  The fact that "dad was dealing with it" doesn't mean that she can ignore you.  Yes, it is a pain for a teacher to keep both parents informed, but it is the law.  All you have to say is that legally you have the right to get the same information he does (of course, they could ignore that, but its worth a try).
   When school does start, get in early and try and get to know the new teacher.  Tell her you want to help your son.  Ask her for suggestions - really work on good communication with her.  Hopefully, one reason your son doesn't care about school may have been his current teacher and that will change.  And yes, I think that it is a great idea for a medical professional to try and help both your son and you.   Good Luck

[Articoky]

Thank you for your advice. I am aware of the damage we have caused during this last seven years but every split parents story is different. Unless my ex husband gets full custody of my son one day all these emotional problems will continue. We share almost exactly the same hours each week and we both have joint custody. This should create a steady basis but my son is still subjected to constant questioning from the other side of what goes on in my house etc. I never ask my son what goes on in his fathers house, he always tells me of his own accord.

School I'm afraid is a lost battle for me as his father is the president of the pta and for the last five years I have never got a straight answer from any of the teachers as they have dealt with him. I did try and get involved but I realised that it was fruitless and even the parents of children in my sons class look at me with disgust at parents day, concerts etc and they don't even know me. My son was in quite a lot of trouble for fighting a month ago and I only found out through a parent in my other sons class. When I challenged the teacher she said his father was dealing with it. She also told me that my son didn't care about school or anything for that matter and had nothing constructive to say. When I explained about the tough time he's had for years she wasn't interested.

I live in a foreign country from my own and I do have a bit of a language barrier which makes it difficult to put myself out there and find out how things work exactly but for my son's sake I will do anything it takes.

I have taken all your advice and will get my son seen by a medical professional who will be able to guide me. Thanks

[Sandman2]

  Your son is only 9.  He has learned to survive for the last 7 years by agreeing with what ever adult he is with.  This is not lying, it is self preservation !  My guess is that he will still agree with what ever adult he is with until he is old enough to say, "enough is enough."   So forget, the honesty stuff.  You and your ex have created that problem (in my opinion), and it won't change until both of you (or one of you?) quite using him.  
  I am concerned about hating school.  That is something that both of you should be concerned about.  As jdtm suggested, it is possible that your son has inherited something that makes school very difficult for him. It is tough for split families to stay in touch with the school system.  If there still is time before the school year ends, you definitely need to get in touch with his teacher and get her opinion on how he is doing!!!  Don't wait till next year, because it will take that teacher at least 2 or 3 months to figure out who the kids are.

[jdtm]

I would first seek help from your family physician and see what referral can be done - perhaps to a child psychiatrist (not a psychologist) or a child neurologist.  I do believe that early intervention in mental health issues may not "cure" the disorder; but it certainly can "lessen" the severity and duration of the problem.

There was a study done a few years ago on children with mental health disorders - some received medication and some did not.  After a certain period of time, it was shown by a brain scan that those on medication actually had some "repair" to the brain transmitters and therefore lessened the impact of the disorder.  It is still early in this research, but it is very promising.  And doing nothing will not solve or erase the issue as time usually increases the impact of the disorder and things only get worse.

I feel for you - a long road ahead - but please seek help for your son.  By the way, if your doctor won't help, then keep looking for an experienced medical professional in childhood mental health issues.  I wish you the best ....

[Articoky]

Yes my ex husband does suffer from mood and I would say a personality disorder that makes sense. Is there something that can be done about it?

[jdtm]

He also spent a couple of years being brain washed by his father

One question - does your ex-husband suffer from a mood or personality disorder (perhaps borderline personality disorder - BPD) or some other mental health issue?  If so, it is possible that your son might have inherited this disorder or, at least, acquired some of the tendencies (either through nature or nurture).  Just wondering ....