Avatar universal

My 9 year old son and friend are engaging in extreme sexual behavior

My son just confided in me tonight that him and his friend have engaged in oral exploration. I say exploration but I'm not sure if that's what it is. He told me that they licked each others penis' and did not suck. It took him a lot to articulate everything to me. First he made me pinky promise that I wouldn't tell anyone or be angry with him, once I promised and swore, he told me that they dry jumped (his words). I calmly asked if anything else happened he told me no and after a few beats he broke down crying, after comforting him and telling him there was nothing he could say that would make me angry or be ashamed of him he agreed to tell me but we needed to go for a long walk faaaar away from my house so no one overheard us talking. It was 11 pm and we walked for 10 mins before he summoned the courage to tell me and said that they licked each others penis and stressed that they did not suck. After giving him a reassuring hug, kiss and a million I love yous I explained that certain types of exploring is normal and what him and his friend did is definitely not. After telling him that I asked him if he felt better and he told me not really so I said that a doctor may be able to help him understand and explain it better to help him cope with this. After I thought the conversation was through, about 30 mins later he told me it happened on 3 other occasions. My son and this boy are teammates in football and they have the same teacher this year AND i hapoen to be really close to his mom. I know I have to tell her this but I don't want to upset my son because I know she's going to talk to her son and her son is going to come right back to my son and then he'll know I betrayed his trust. I already have such a hard time with my son coming to me with his problems and the one boy who I THOUGHT was a dear friend of my son's is just the opposite he and he has problems making friends. I'm just confused on how to handle this situation. Any suggestions? Did I deal with this right way should I do anything differently?
5 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
973741 tn?1342342773
Oh my goodness-------------  mother's worst nightmare.  First let me say that I am very very sorry this has happened.  Such little boys!!  Whomever instigated this---  sounds like the other boy is not a monster but is a child who was most likely molested.  His doing this with his son is the sad aftermath of that. This is a very common patter with kids who have been molested.  Child with child molestation is very common when one of the kids was abused.  I have sadness for your son but the other boy as well.  

You need to tell his mother.  I know this is hard and you swore to your son you wouldn't.  BUT, something has most likely happened to that boy and he needs help.  You don't want this to happen to other kids and you don't want him to go through his whole life with these issues of what was most likely sexual abuse from 'someone'.  

I absolutely do believe kids explore and are curious.  But you describe true sexual behavior that is learned.  There is a possibility that the boy saw it via porn but to me, it sounds like he has the language that is telling that someone did this to him. The huge differentiation between just licking and not s ucking.  Someone has taught this boy this.  

So, for his sake, for other kids sake, tell his mother.  Mom to mom. And not with anger (although I am sure you are angry and understandably so)---  try to do this from a sense of saving a child, her son at this point.  Tell her your son swore you to secrecy and you don't want to betray him but fear that something has happened to her son.  

then never ever ever let your son alone with this boy.  In fact, I'd probably supervise him with other kids for a good bit.  Talk to him and tell him that you are so happy he told you.  And that it is not okay that it happened and somewhere deep inside he knew that and that is why he is telling you.  And then yes, consider a child psychologist to help.  I would not hugely make this a focal point of everything with him because what you want is for this to fade into the background, fade in his memory, etc.  Does that make sense?  A fine balance between addressing it and not emphasizing it.  

If you talk to the other mom and her son says something to you----  you be honest with your son.  That you fear someone, even an adult, has done these things to him and may still be doing them.  You wanted to protect him so he isn't hurt by anyone.  And you don't want him to have other kids mad at him because he tries to do this with them.  You told for HIS own good.  

wishing you all the best of luck dear.  Very very hard stuff for a mom!
Helpful - 0
5914096 tn?1399918987
I think that you dealt with this situation fine.  I also think this behavior may be a little more than simple exploration.  My advise would be to consult with a mental health professional on this issue as this could be a bit deeper than what meets the eye.  Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to place disciplinary boundaries on this behavior so that you son knows what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
You tackled the situation brilliantly.  

It must have been bugging your son for a very long time as he admitted that it happened 3 times.  

I also support the fact that you must never allow your son to be alone with his friend.  His friend is in danger of being molested again and I too am convinced that he has been molested (who by?  That we do not know).

It is one thing for children to explore, but to use those explanatory words means that your son's friend has been or is still being exposed to either molestation and/or watching unsuitable pornographic material.

I would also tread with caution with regard to talking with his mum, because it may be the mum that has been molesting him, we cannot assume that he was molested by an older boy, man or woman.

I think you need specialist advice on how to tackle this to try and get the friend to "open" up.  

Best of luck.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First of I commend your son for coming to you and telling you on his own and commend you for also being there and listening to your son and giving him that safe place her can turn too.

I can only imagine what your going through but I agree with you on making sure that boy is supervised with your son and other children. But I would say something to your son's friend's mom thats for sure. I pray you can get to the bottom of this.

Good luck!

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
While I certainly believe that you did the right thing in promising your son not to tell anyone, I don't see how you can avoid not talking to the other boy's mother.  However I do want to tell you that sexual exploration CAN - and sometimes DOES - include oral exploration.  And, while you told your son that a certain amount of homosexual exploration is normal - and I do commend you for that - you did bestow a certain amount of guilt on him by telling him that "what him and his friend is definitely not (normal)".  Might I suggest that you and your son take another "midnight stroll" and explain to him the reason you have to talk to the other boy's mother.  You might emphasize your concern that the other boy may or may not be doing this with other friends and that there very well could be some health issues behind your need to talk with the other child's mother about this incident.  
I wish you good luck!
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Community

Top Children's Health Answerers
189897 tn?1441126518
San Pedro, CA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments