My daughter is a terrible friend

[half_mad_mommy]

My daughter has always picked the "wrong" friends.  She tends to associate with children who are mean to her.  First, it was a little girl in our old neighborhood that would only talk to her if her other friends weren't around.  If the other girl's friends were over, they would taunt and tease my then 3-4 year old daughter.

After we moved, I was relived she could start over.  Now, unfortunatly, there are only boys on our street (she's 6 now).  She goes out to play with them, and sometimes they're nice to her, but other times they are really mean, and sometimes even physically violent (one hit her with a hockey stick while she was riding her bike, she wasn't even out there playing with him.  But they both have to share the same playspace/sidewalk).

Despite this bad behavior on the part of the other children, my daughter still wants to go outside and play with them.  I have told her over and over that they are mean to her, and I don't want her to play with them, or even talk to them, but she says they are her friends, and she doesn't want to not be able to play with her friends.

As a result, she's now getting into trouble at school for being mean to the other children (she's in full-day kindergarten).  I think it's because she thinks that's how "friends" act.  But I don't know what to do.  I have tried explaining to her "how to be a good friend", but she keeps reverting to yelling, pushing others out of the way, and saying mean things.

Also, her "best friend" is another little girl that my daughter is constantly trying to "one up".  She wants to dress better than Kaylee, be smarter than Kaylee, have more toys than Kaylee, etc.

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Thanks.

[Sandman2]

    The other posters have good points,but I think it may be a bit simpler than that.  If the only kids on the street to play with are 6 year old boys and her only choice is to stay inside or go play with the boys, ya that's what she is gonna do.   Now to you 6 year old boys are mean to her.  Not really, they would be like that to any girl.  A 6 year old boy is a whole different ball game.  Its not her, its them.  And since she is around them all day long, she is probably used to it.  As long as she wants to go out and play with them, let her go.  Just don't watch it will drive you crazy.  There is also a decent chance that they will accept her after awhile.  
   And I think you are right that she is learning their style of play and its not going over to well at school.  There is a neat book called "hands are not for hitting," by Agassi.  "PreS-Gr 1-This title offers youngsters an alternative to hitting and other forms of hurtful behavior, guiding them to a more peaceful and positive outcome in their dealings with other children."
Look at the reviews for it on Amazon.  I think you will find it helpful.
    Also, I would explain to her kindergarten teacher what is going on with her street friends and ask for her help and suggestions.  I also believe that your daughter is probably one of the older kids in the class which probably lets her get away with some of this.  If she were a young small kid, it wouldn't be going on very long.  
   finally do all you can at home to reinforce how to act.  Don't just talk about it (though the book will help here).  Practice it!! And certainly do as you preach.
   So,I am not so much sure as this is low self-esteem as it is a learned behavior that can be changed.  Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

If she has a strong motivation behind her behavior, tying the advice and corrections to the behavior won't hit the problem where it is.  She sounds at core uncertain of herself, and she apparently gets drawn to others who affirm this.  Maybe a children's therapist, possibly through the school? can help you work out where this comes from and figure out some ways to try to help her build her self-esteem.

[adgal]

Reading about your child is like reading about myself as a child.  I was exactly like that..the meaner people were to me the more I stuck by them.  I now know I was desperately seeking approval.  I don't know your situation, and I am not implying anything here, only telling you what was going on with me.  I had a very difficult childhood in many ways.  My father was not a nice person then and was in and out of our house...they would split up, get back together and were usually so busy fighting I got very little attention.  My dad never hit me or anything, but I always felt he didn't like me (remember, I was a young child) and was always trying to win his love.  This spilled over onto friends.  If someone was nice to me, I took it for granted and didn't bother with them. But if someone was mean to me, I would move heaven and earth to make them like me.  It really boiled down to low self esteem.  Now, not saying your household is one like I grew up in, so please don't take offense.  Just telling you my story and why I was the way I was.  Perhaps it will help, perhaps not.  But I would think that for some reason she has low self esteem.  Good luck to you.