My near 4 year old is very destructive how can I help him?

[amyrc]

Hi
I am very concerned about my son.  He is 3 but 4 in 2 weeks.  He is very destructive on a daily basis he destroys his things and empties out cupboards constantly in every room in the house. He does not play with toys only throws them around or uses them to fight with each other.  He was never interested in toys as a baby either and only ever threw them.  He is very very active and easily bored.  He sweats excessively with excercise or ecitement to the extent that his hair will be soaked as if comng out of the bath.  He doesnt listen to anything I say at all or his dad. He is very much hard work. I have tied allsorts of ways to discpline him but nothing seems to work long term.  He now has a younger brother who is nearly 10 months old and although he loves him very much he is very jealous and throws toys at him etc.  He has recently been waking in the night screaming "no no no no" and i have found it difficult to calm him.  He does not liek to be restrained either.  His nursey school have said his behaviour is ok but have had difficultes with his concentration and that they cannot get him to sit still and concentrate on a certain task. They are working with him on this.  I am very concerned and also worry that we may have assisted this as when he was born we had not been together that long and had a stressful relationship where we argued and fought constantly. We moved house twice before he was 1 year old and I then split with his dad due to the arguments thinking this would be better.  he did not see his dad in this time and 8 months on we worked things out, got back together and bought a house which meant another move before he was 3.  Obviously this adds up to an unsettled first few years.  My other son is the complete opposite but has been settled and in a happy environment since birth.
Please could you help as it is so upsetting.  I feel like I cant spend any quality time with my boy anymore because of the constant bad behaviour.  Thanks

[amyrc]

thanks fo the great advice - really helpful.
i am putting him in more of a routine at present with clearer boundaries and some onetoone time.  hopefully this will start to help and then fulltime school.
fingers crossed.
thanks again

[Trialanderror]

It is quite possible that some behaviors are genetic. My son is a "builder", he plays for hours, he creates, he is usually balanced but his half-brother has been the "great destroyer" since infancy. He just gets more pleasure out of seeing things tumble or seeing other kids cry because of his actions. Apparently the half-brother`s dad was just the same way as a child and still is.
It takes a lot of patience to show a destroyer alternatives in behavior.  Best seems to be if they have a physical outlet or some high stimulation activity a few times a day to take off their own edge.

I don`t think that stresses of relationships and moving will automatically trigger such behavior, but possibly your son learned from the way you and your husband were arguing back in the day that the only way to resolve a problem is to throw things or be destructive - as opposed to having a mature conversation with some form of resolution and a hug at the end. Not sure if that was the situation, I am just assuming.
Also, I don`t know if your son has been a good communicator or if he struggles expressing his feelings. He may need to be shown how to "let it out" before all the typical fears of a 3-year-old are bottled up and come out in nightmares (no-no-no). Especially the fears of being replaced by a new baby.
Sometimes my communication with my then 4-year-old son slipped and I had to reconnect with him so he would feel understood. It was not a matter of giving him more attention but him and me doing something that he truly loved, like having a picnic outdoors or walking along his favorite river or doing puzzles - and he would always start talking about things that currently concerned him. He too witnessed relationship battles and went through a few moves but it didn`t affect him much.
You can always see your son`s nursery teachers to see how they work with him and you can see a child psychologist to talk about your situation - without your son so he doesn`t feel that "everything is wrong with him". Other than communication problems I can only think of him having some physical problem that bothers him, a check-up might help -or it could be food intolerance. He may be eating something that drives him over the edge, who knows. Not sure about his excessive sweating either - by your description I imagine a little boy with too much testosterone in his system...:) Hope all turns out well. Many problems sort themselves out around age five but it is great if you spend time now thinking about his development. It does sound like he needs to be put on the right track at home.

[amyrc]

he has been like this since being a baby, well before we had another son and my problem is that he is getting all the attention, not the baby.
his school are great with him.  he goes full time in september so after recent advice we are going to wait and see how that changes things

[margypops]

This little boy is feeling left out a new Baby has come into his life and probably is getting all the attention, he is feeling sad. Give him one to onetime, without the brother, fill his life with things to do get the Man of the house playing Ball and doing guy stuff with him.You quite correctly said he has had a mixed up life and now its time to get this sorted out, he is also away from you and in Nursary school do they play with them or is he left bored with nothing to do.The fact he throws thing shows his frustration, if you need to get him some councilling for this ask your Doc to arrange it.