Step Daughter: Lying and strange behaviors

[honey000]

I have an 11 year old stepdaughter. I am married to her dad and we have had full custody since she was 4. We have two younger boys as well. Her birth mother has not had any contact with her since she was 3. Over the  years I have had many problems with her. From going to the bathroom in her closet to drinking water from the toliet (both until age 8) constent lying to me and others.

She would make up stories to teachers and counslers and her friends to get sympathy and attention. She would say I hated her and was mean to her. Then she would come home and hug and kiss on me. If I asked her why she was lying she always said she didn't know and she would laugh. She is very lazy and will not do anything with out being told 5 or 6 times. For example, she knows to brush her teeth in the morning and take a shower at night but she will not do these things unless I follow her around and make her do them. The other night I asked her to take a shower. She was standing in front of me and said "okay". Then she left the room and watched a movie. When I came in 15 minutes later to see if she was done so her brother could get in the shower she laughed at me and said "oh, i didn't hear you". When she is in school she doesn't do her assignments because she tells us she "forgot" or she "didnt know". Infact these two saying have been her excuse for years as to why she doesn't do things. We have had her hearing tested as well we have had her tested for learning disablities and she has been to a psycologist. Everyone came to the same conclusion that she was simply choosing not to do things and using these excuses so she could remove the blame from herself. She will not admit to doing anything on purpose even though she is. Example:  she stole from a store when she was 8 and tried to innocently claim "nobody told me stealing is wrong".

I punish her often for lying or refusing to do things by taking away things or grounding her in her room. She doesn't mind or get upset about being punished. She could sit in her room all day reading books and talking to herself and not be bothered one bit.

I have two boys 5 and 8 who are farily well behaved and respond well to the way I punish them (taking away video games, staying in their room) they are learning and growing in what I consider to be a "normal" way. She on the other hand is so different I am totally confussed about what to do. I feel like I could punish her for a month and she wouldn't learn from it or change any of the behaviors. She simply just doesn't care. I became so frusterated the other day I did not tell her to do one thing. She spent the day in her pajamas, hair unbrushed, teeth unbrushed and talking to stuffed animals in her room. My sons on the other hand woke up, got dressed and brushed their teeth after breakfast without me saying anything. They are use to the routine we have at home and do things out of habbit (occasionaly I do have to give them reminders since they are younger but nowhere near as much as their sister). What gives?

[specialmom]

Hi there out of ideas.  You've tacked your post onto an older post and those often get missed.  For more responses, it helps to start your own thread which you can do by going to the top of this page and hitting Ask a Question.

I just wanted to comment that I too have an 11 year old.  Some of what you are seeing is the age.  Not so much the lying part but the lack of motivation for chores and such.  My son has found his inner self which I guess likes to hang out in his room a lot.  :>((  Hard sometimes to get him to do what I'd like for him to do when he used to be a bit more cooperative.  

the issue between you and your partner is challenging.  If you two aren't on the same page, it makes it very stressful to deal with kid problems. Can you talk to him about that (in a way that doesn't make him defensive about his daughter?)?  

[OutOfIdea9]

I'm having the exact same issue with my stepdaughter.  She is also 11 and I have also had her since she was 4, her mother is drug addict and rarely ever sees her, she has lived with us full time since I met her dad.  She lies about trival things that don't matter that I know 100% she is lying about and her dad backs her every single time.  These are things that wouldn't matter... Like did you eat all the cookies?  No. When she was the only one home.  She is also extremely lazy, she will pretend to do her chores and when I question her she will say she forgot or she did do them just not as good as I would... It's to the point where her father and I argue about her all the time, he will call me a liar and a bully and say I'm attacking a child, when in reality she has the wool pulled over his eyes so tight.   She like your daughter is loving and affectionate to me and calls me mom but she is constantly lying about stuff that doesn't matter... Please help, tell me something that you tried worked.  My next step is divorce because I can't take it anymore.

[althepal39]

I think she sounds like she may be depressed - isolating herself and talking to stuffed animals sounds like she is just "checking out".  I was exactly like her when I was young and my mother died at the age of 3.  One year later I was sent away from my father who I loved more than anything to live with relatives.  I was heartbroken and devastated.  I never got any counseling - people just assume kids are resilient - and that they are so young they won't remember - but they feel things more than people know and do not know what to do with all these incredibly strong emotions.  So they act out in sometimes strange ways.  She may have a lot of emotions/negative thoughts that have to do with her mom leaving her.  I know it was a long time ago - and she has you now - but it doesn't stop kids from thinking "what is wrong me that my mom left me?"  That alone can be devastating to some kids.   In my case I had no ambition, no zest for life, I was lazy and wanted to be alone.  I, too, would spend hours and hours in my room by myself.   I just felt no connection to anyone because I was afraid to be connected and get hurt.   I really wish someone would of taken me to counseling at that age. It might have saved me a lot of grief trying to undo the depression/anxiety I've lived with all my life.    Instead all I got was a lot of people calling me lazy, sloppy and weird.  In my opinion the best thing you can do is take her to a good counselor and also as the above post said - try to get her to join something that she is good at.   Good luck.  I'll be thinking about you both.  I hope she gets some help so she (and you)  have a more joyful life.  

[Auntiecares]

I would take her back to see another psychologist or a psychiatrist and have them nail down some sort of diagnosis.  If a therapist isn't able to give you and your daughter some advice or answers that help your situation then try a new therapist. It doesn't mean they are incompetent, but you need to find the right fit for you and your daughter and that can often take several tries. Did you get any help or direction from the psychologist you did see?  Did they offer suggestions on how to handle her behavior? She sounds a bit passive/aggressive, but I'm certainly no expert.  I would definitely pursue therapy.  Also, don't blame yourself, you care and you are doing the best you can.  You may find there are ways you can help her that you didn't know about, you just need to find the right help.  Good luck, be persistent and hang in there!

[RockRose]

What does she do passably well?  Soccer?  Swimming?  Helping out at the Animal Shelter?

She needs to find an identity,  and friends who appreciate a skill she has.  Is she going into middle school next year - can she play an instrument in the band?