Step-daughter obsessed with her father

[mishl9]

I am engaged to a man with 4 children(we've been together almost 3 years) from a previous marriage, I myself have one.  He has joint custody of his, so we have his children only every other week.  His 10 year old daughter seems to have developed a very strange obsession with him about 7 months ago.  It all started with her crying one day in July on a boat, when the kids were taking turns going up in the captians chair.  After her turn she came back to find one of the other kids in her "spot". She asked for her spot back, but her dad stopped her and said "honey, you've been sitting next to me the whole time, let one of the other kids have a turn" Well that was the beginning of the end.  She started crying and said that I never have to take turns, and he explained to her that i'm his fiance and an adult and he can't make me take turns.  After that I begin to sit by him less.  In September it was our anniverary and his birthday in the same week we had his kids.  When we told her we were going out with some friends the night of his birthday, she threw a huge temper tantrum and was screaming and crying and telling him he's not allowed.  He has to spend his whole birthday with her, he's not allowed to leave!  AHHH! On our anniversary I made the kids dinner early and then made a special candlelit dinner for us (so we didn't have to leave the house twice in one week)  when he got home from taking his daughter to Gymnastics.  Well, she had a fit.  She was sitting on the couch staring at us while we ate, so asked to to go play with the other kids.  She of course began sobbing and said she didn't get to see him enough that day and there was only an hour to her bed time. So of course I was no longer was in the celebrating mood and left.  these are a few specific example but it's a daily struggle with her.  She needs to be around him constantly.  In general she...follows him everywhere around the house to the point of walking into the bathroom with him(of course he tells her to get out).  If he's not home she needs to know exactly what he's doing and when he'll be home.  She has to sit by him ALL the time and gets very jealous if the other kids or I are siting next to him.  She then usually squeezes her way in and if she can't asks to sit on his lap, which he usually says no to.  She'll ask the other children if they can go do something else so she can sit by him.  He usually works from home on the week their home, but if he has a side job...she goes of course.  He has repremanded her many times for acting like she is his mother, and does often tell "honey, I love you but I need some space" but the she doesn't seem to be getting any better. I love her very much and she loves me to death too and tells her dad she would be really sad if we didn't get married(she dislike her step father on the other hand).  I just think this behavior is birazze and a little frustrating for me and him.  My fiance is an awesome father and is very strict but always very loving.  All my fiance's kids have always prefered thier dad over their mom which I always thought was unusual.  When his ex-wife first left him and the kids he actually had full custody of the kids and he had just started his own business so he was with the kids 24-7.  He told me never once left them with a babysitter that first year and I think they must have gotten used to always having daddy there, she was only 4 at the time. Has anyone ever heard of this happening? Sorry my question is sooo long but I just wanted to make sure you understood the whole situation.  

[Jlplove]

I think there are degrees of this. The 21 year old scenario was flat out odd and could have been emotional incest as explained by some of the commenters. As for the younger girls I do not think that is the case. I was very close to my father however he worked long hours and I rarely saw him during the week and only on the weekends when my parents were married. When they divorced when I was 10 I was shattered I was so sad my dad left the home and he moved in with someone immediately. I do not believe I behaved the way some of the daughters described did but my heart literally ached from missing my father when I was with him and apart from him. I cried every night for a year at night after he left. He was and still is my favorite. Divorce is a horrible thing to go through for children due missing time with their parents along with all the other stuff that goes with it. I think alot of people need to realize that. I'm 37 now and still to this day have a void due to the missing time with my father. He went on to get married again and puts his wife first along with her family and her needs. It hurts very much. I think women that date a man that has children need to realize they are dealing with children from broken homes and their world as they believe it should be is not right. I feel a lot of times women are selfish and want all their attention of the partner but need to realize you are not their first love and need to realize children should come first.  I get you are experiencing love again and want a partner but there are other people in his life who need him and by the children not getting the attention they need could have lasting affects. I'm very needy on my husband for example I've been married 13 years. I'm very insecure as well and I know it had to do with the psychological effects I have from the hindered time with my father. I saw a therapist recently and was told this feeling will likely never go away. Please keep this in mind ladies. Best wishes to all. Life is tough be understanding to those that act broken because they likely really are.

[knowwho]

Huh? Marriage always comes first. Any marriage counselor will tell you that. That doesn't mean you neglect your kids and never do anything with them. But kids need to see what a healthy marriage looks like and it's the parent's responsibility to teach them that.

[proudarmyinfantrymomma]

I, like you came from a broken home and as a result of that was "possessive " over not just my dad but mom as well. I hated to see their attention going elsewhere which was what would happen when they began dating other people again. Granted, this behavior only lasted until I got to know the people they were dating and realized that they in fact, weren't going anywhere. Kids that are product of a divorce lack "full-time" parents. Whether you have your mom all week and your father on the weekends or vice versa it's still not 24/7 like a "normal" family. Or what I at the time perceived to be normal. Anyway, like I said, after the newness wore off of the "new people" in my parents lives things got back to normal. Many times as in my case being the oldest of 4, before they started seeing other people again, I was the leading lady in my fathers life and my moms little girl. When a new person comes in every child will feel threatened that they are being replaced so to say. Both of my parents were very good about including us as much as possible in whatever they did with their new love interests. Picnics at the park, movie night at home etc until we became a little more used to not being the center of attention. As for your comment kids come first, yes, I agree with that to a certain degree. Kids come first as in you make sure you have spent adequate time with them before you leave for your date that night if you only see them on weekends. You make sure all of their NEEDS are met and as in "needs" I mean make sure they are made to know they are loved. Feed them dinner, spend a little one on one time with them before you go to meet your newest love interest. But that's it. Kids also need to learn that parents need companionship too. Kids grow up and leave home and meet their own spouses. If you always put your children above your relationships and especially spouse you will be sitting at home at 65,once the kids are all grown and married with their own families, wondering where you went wrong because here you are single and with no one to share your golden years with because you didn't put your relationships first. Now let me clarify, not just any new man or woman should take priority over your children BUT if you know these people will become your new husband/wife then by all means you need to set a very careful balance with a little more weight focused on the person you are going to be growing old with. Not the kids that leave home and love their own lives. I am by no means any expert other than I lived through this as a child then experienced it later in life when my first husband and I divorced and had 3 kids in the picture.

[King_Joeg]

I dont know? I see this in a completely different way than the others. I dont find this childs behavior unusual. I find the fact that you have such an objection to her based on 3 or 4 days a month. Look at it from THIS childs perspective. I stress THIS child, because how the others act or react, has nothing to do with how this particular child is processing this change in her life. I could make a very valid argument that this child in question is displaying a more healthy behavioral response, relative to the others. Have you stopped to put yourself in her place. You have a child that goes from having her father in her life everyday. To now only seeing him 4 days a month. About 1/10th as much as before. Then you add to that, other children that she's now expected to share 1/10th as much time with 3 more children! Basically her time with her father has become 25% of 1/10th. I think I might be a little clingy too. The fact that you clearly have an unsympathetic bias towards this child....that's the problem here. This child is actually handling it quite well. Were I she, I'd have kicked your ***, and threw you overboard.

[getnatalie]

I know this is old, but I also have step daughters. They stay with us every weekend. The younger one (5) is more attached to me, since we've been together for 2 years and she doesn't remember me not being in the picture. Also, I work from home, and he works weekends so they end up spending more time with me. In the weekends I am practically her mommy, and daddy is second. The older one (10) loves us both but is more attached to her dad. She wants to always be around him, sit next to him or on his lap, etc. Honestly, they just love and really really miss their dads. When I think about it, i just feel for her. So I am probably one of those rare step moms who encourages it, because I believe she misses him all week at her moms and I feel sorry for her. Just try to understand it from their point of view, you get him every day, she just gets him every other week. She needs bonding time with him.

[King_Joeg]

Okay. So this poor little girl, that gets to see her Dad, 4 times a month, or about 1/10th as much as before the divorce, is upset and acting out, saying "No! You have to spend your whole B-day with me!" and you believe that she is just a terrible child because she's upset that 1 of her 4 days a month is now being whittled down even more. I find the fact that you're reacting in a flippant, heartless manner towards this childs obvious pain, that she's trying to alleviate by attempting to enact control over her surroundings and what she believes she can control....a common coping method for dealing with situations we've little to no control over. I find your reaction to her, far more troubling than this childs behavior. Try to have some sympathy and understanding. I don't know? Maybe take the child aside and tell her how much you and her father love her and that you know it's hard being a child of divorce but that you and her father will always be here for her, might help more than being cold hearted and unsympathetic. Do you think maybe she's scared of losing the 1/10th of time remaining as she lost the other 9/10th?? Maybe that's it. Maybe think about the child instead of yourself for once? But we know you won't or didn't as I see this many years ago.

[N4d1n3]

That may be the case but even if you were a child a birthday yh i get it kids and parants but also an anniversary thats a bit too far

[Cjones08]

I think some people need to reread the question. The poster is saying that the stepdaughter is obsessed with her OWN father.  There is no step father in this picture. This is an issue between biological daughter and biological father.  The poster is the step mother to this step daughter

[GinaK1980]

The poster mentions the step daughter does not like her stepfather. It could be that she clings to her biological father in reaction to abuse from her stepfather.

[King_Joeg]

Huh? You are going to allege abuse by a Step Father??? Based on what??? That's a Big Deal! and Frankly I hope you're not involved in any way in Therapeutic capacity because that is ridiculous to throw such heavy allegations around based on Nothing.  

[Motherofsacrifice]

I believe the step father is sexually abusing her as well that behavior isn't normal.. maybe he's a Sociopath I have the same situation... my daughter clings to me but my other kids dont.. the ones that are his biological kids.   We are separated but he has visitation with my 2 girls one he adopted she's the one who showing signs of abuse... he;s a very good actor.. I;m fighting custody now.. 3 years late I found out what he was... a sociopath...

[Theres12345]

Mini-Wife Syndrome or in psychology it's called emotional incest.

[bmansmom826]

Could be a cry for help because something's not right with the step-dad. Did you ever sit her down when she's not acting this way and simply ask her what's up?

[psychicRod]

emotional incest

[Joy1a]

Thats so sad!!

[Theres12345]

It is called Mini wife syndrome or emotional incest. If not treated it will never get better. Your partner needs to be willing to set boundaries. If he does not see that there is a problem, my advise is to get the hell out of this relationship, it will only drive you nuts.

[libralady84]

To EVERYONE here (I'm surprised how common this issue is and how little is known about it - frightening!)
Google is your friend!
These issues with parent/child relationships that seem inappropriate or over-the-top, even if it appears the parent is (currently) exhibiting perfectly healthy behaviour towards the child, are likely the product of emotional incest.
Also known as covert incest, it's when a parent has leaned on a child in an emotional way, usually when a marriage or romantic relationship is failing and that parent feels at a loss and no longer has their partner to talk to, so they turn to a child they feel close with to confide in. Unfortunately for that child (and any future partners of that parent) this creates an unhealthy emotional disregulation between the child and parent where the child feels like they must fill an emotional role of a romantic partner. Whether the child or parent realizes what has happened or not, the bond is not healthy, and the behaviour the child exhibits will seem more like a partner, showing extreme jealousy, loose boundaries, and needing more attention or affection than seems normal.

Here is a very good article discussing it. It includes differentiating between covert, and overt incest (where there is actual sexual touching involved) and combinations of it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-interview-kenneth-adams

It might seem harmless enough to have an honest and open relationship with a child that way, and in some cases it might actually be harmless, but in other cases it can prove to be too much emotionally for a child and cause these kinds of issues.

I strongly urge anyone experiencing this (or observing this) in any family dynamic to read the above article I linked to about "Covert Incest" on the PsychologyToday website and to seek professional help from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

[cyclone6661]

Hi thanks for the welcome and comments.  I have 2 sons. 20 and 17. The difference betweeen me and my boyfriend is that his daughter IS his life whereas my boys are a wonderful PART of my life. I would lay my life down for them but i also have my own life which is very nessecary for a healthy parent child relationship. I always tried to have a date night and call the sitter. My guy simply will not do this and he has 50/50 custody too. I agree this is not the workings of a lasting partnership.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, it certainly is hard to be with a man with a child from a previous relationship.  I hear you.

I do want to say this though.  I'm guessing you don't have kids?  You don't seem to understand the dynamics of parent/child.  Especially when they do not get to be together every day such as in shared custody.  I have two sons, 9 and almost 8.  We're affectionate and have deep love for each other.  They absolutely come above all else.  I love their dad tremendously and he is very important to me but my kids' needs come first.  Heck, they often come over my own needs as I'll get up and do for them when I'm exhausted, I'll put off my own activity to attend theirs, etc.  That's parenting.  

That he has special things planned with her such as on her birthday, valentines day, or father/daughter dance (your examples)----  well, those are special memories with his child.  I'd be supportive of that.  My own husband gets big kuddos from me when he plans special things with our kids.  I love that they are bonding!!  

Do you get no time with him on your own?  Does he have her 24/7?  

In all honestly, someone that is very attached to their child and then the person they are dating has a problem with that---  are probably not compatible for dating.  Too much tension.  

He may pull back on the affection and time with her as she enters the teenage years but most likely will always be very close to her as father and daughters should be.  

I get that this would be very hard for you if you don't feel included.  I wouldn't like that either.  So, I'm not sure what the answer is.  

I guess you could tell him your feelings but in a way that doesn't make him defensive if you can.  peace and luck

[LightsOnButNobodysHome]

I have to disagree.  I get the father/daughter connection, however, when it becomes excessive, it becomes a problem that needs addressing.  I have a daughter who is now 28 and living away from home.  I am dating a man who has two kids, a son of 15 and a daughter of 9.  He sees both kids every day.  He works from home and they go to our house after school.  His x and he have 50/50 custody, everyone gets along, BUT, allowing a young daughter to obsess over dad is a problem.  An  obsession with cuddling, with sitting next to him during dinner, following him around the house like a lost puppy, stroking his arm and face while wrapped around him like saran warp... IS A PROBLEM!!!  Every couples counselor will tell you that the two adults in the relationship should be top priority.  Your significant other comes first, kids come after.  The Alpha wolf doesn't tell the Alpha female to move over so the pup can lay with him.  It just doesn't work that way.  The problem with society is families have gotten family dynamics completely screwed up and backwards and then wonder why divorce rates are so out of control.  You can love your kids, but don't mix that emotion with being "in love'.  Your kids grow healthy from knowing Daddy and Mommy are their leaders, their foundation, once you shift an adults position to being the underdog, putting your kid first, you've just caused imbalance in your house hold.  NEVER should a child be made to feel more important than your partner.  I'm not saying not to show your child love and affection, just don't allow the "affection" to become "creepy".  There has to be balance in a home for it to be healthy and there is a clear difference between being healthy over happy.  A "happy" child isn't always emotionally healthy.  The word "No" is important.  Boundaries are critical!  The child needs to see mommy and daddy come first so they too will know who to structure their own household once they move out.  Why parents feel the need to display affections over and above what is necessary is a recipe for disaster.  

[Joy1a]

I agree!!

[RockRose]

It's not in the DSM,  but this is the basis for Freud's work,  and was also noted by Carl Jung.

Back in the early 1900's.  Freud called it the feminine Oedipal complex,  other psychs called it the Electra Complex.

Where a girl becomes obsessed with her father and sees her mother as a competitor.

[SillyOlBilly]

But that's only supposed to be for childhood an they're supposed to grow out of it.

[Joy1a]

I totally agree

[polly89934]

I have the same situation with my 12 year old stepdaughter. Totally obsessed with her dad. We just had a baby and now she is totally obsessed with the baby too. The x wife calls crying because the daughter is always crying she misses her dad and her sister (baby is only 8 weeks old). She sees him twice a week and every other weekend. It has been like this for the past 10 years, but it seems to have gotten worse when we found out I was pregnant. Now that the baby is here, its the baby is so cute the baby this the baby that I am a big sister, and it's constant, there is no other conversation about anything else but her being a sister and the baby.  When she is here she follows me around with the baby like a puppy. When I put the baby in her swing she is in the babys face talking and poking at her, none stop to the point of being an unhealthy obsession. When people come over to see the baby she gets upset, she doesn't want anyone else near her.  I am actually nervous to leave her alone in the same room with her for a split second because I am afraid she might do something and hurt her, whether intentionally or unintentionally.  Her mom just put her in therapy in the past week, but her behavior in the past has been just as bizarre I have told my husband for years she needs help, and he said that it was all me and there was nothing wrong with her.  

[ntg]

I am with a man who has a 5 year old who does alot of the same things. But she does not love me to death she actually tells me everyday that she hates me. I think it is due to the fact that she is jealous and wants her dad to herself like it was before.

[CallistaDeVaney]

maybe she just misses her dad or something is going on at her moms house where her step dad could be abusing her or something?

[DanelleDee]

I've heard that dependent personality disorder can begin this way in girls who do not yet have romantic partners.

[Theres12345]

It's called Mini-Wife Syndrome.

[bet105]

Take the girl, RUN DO NOT WALK to the nearest mental health provider!

[bet105]

Sounds like molestation to me ladies, Better look at those WONDERFUL MEN. Do bother to ask how I know. Just take my word for it. The child is not wanting affection, she is seeking to protect others!

[Huggybear24]

Honestly the first thing I thought of is she being molested . When parents separate it's not uncommon for a child to cling to one or the other. However she should be adjusting over time also with her clinging to dad more I would sooner think that something isn't write with step-dad . If she's being sexually abused from step dad this is her only way to try and regain and or express her emotions by latching onto dad. One dad abuses her so she naturally expects the other to protect her and by clinging ( so to speak) this is her protection without saying what's going on . I urge you to talk to her biological dad and the two of you talk to her. This will not be easy for her and will take time . I can tell you with in the first minute of reading this and her behavior the only thought that came to mind is she was being sexually abused .

[libralady84]

What you've described sounds normal and healthy compared to what others in this thread have described.

Girls missing their father who they don't see regularly is normal, of course, however, obsessive, extremely jealous behaviours and clear issues with boundaries is a big red flag. A child should be able to, and even desire to go off and play with other children and/or by themselves away from their parent(s). It's a normal part of development. A lot of the descriptions here don't sound like that.

[specialmom]

Yeah, sounds like you have different styles and ideas of how it should be.  Ugh,  it's hard figuring that out sometimes but saves us heartache in the end.  good luck and peace

[cyclone6661]

I have the same problem going on but mine is even worse. My boyfriend, (who is 49 and his daughter who will be 10) is the same way in return. He buys into and even pushes the attention she gives to him. She always comes first, no matter what, plans get cancelled because something is up with her, happens to be valentines day is her birthday so I dont get any time with him whatsoever. We were supposed to see eachother tonight but its the father/daughter dance. I have been with him 2 years. Finally started interacting with the daughter 6 omnths ago and we do get along but when we all watch tv together she is all over him and I am lucky to get the hand holding, and god forbid she sees him touch me, there she is with the please love me hug, and what bothers me most is that he adores this. HELP!

[Joy1a]

I believe its not going to get better, so break up with him