TV Watching

[kylani]

Hello everybody. I was hoping to get some advice/feedback on a particular topic. My step-daughter has been with me and my husband for 2 days and she's going home today. During the entire time the TV has been on, and she always throws a fit when we turn it off. I am getting concerned for her, because she does look a bit overweight, and has a pretty bad attitude. On top of that, her language skills are low, and most of the time babbles. It sometimes takes us a few minutes to figure out what she's saying. She's almost 4, and will be going to school in September.

Is this caused by her always having the TV on, or are there other causes such as how she's raised at home (she lives with her mother, and I'm not sure on how she treats her and disciplines her). Does anybody have any suggestions on how to sort of "fix" her attitude and behavior? It's getting to the point that I don't want to be around when she's here because she only causes trouble, and never listens. I know kids are like that, but this is a bit extreme.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[specialmom]

I think I'd get one of you to start something with her and get her involved and the other turn off the tv quietly.  Hide the remote, unplug it--------- whatever and say "broken".  Leave it at that and then go about entertaining her so that she is having fun and does not notice the tv being off. She will get used to it and if she has a meltdown---------  hands up in the air "sorry.  broken."  Move on.

Does your partner have any conversation with the mom at all?  He should.  If they don't get along, he should try to smooth that over.  Then things like her diet can be discussed.  But if he isn't getting along with her and hence, they don't talk---------- you have no idea what the deal is with her weight and what she eats.  Try to offer fruit and things in your home and keep junk to a minimum.  Speech-------- that is more important than anything you mention.  If she is having articulation problems-------- what makes you say that?  What are you comparing her to as I gather you aren't around too many toddlers.  I'm just wondering.  What you do is play oral motor games---------- silly face and freeze to music.  Suck a lolli pop using the tongue,  Blow bubbles.  Suck thick liquid through a straw such as smoothie, milkshake or apple sauce.  Talk slowly and have her watch you say things the right way.  If it continues, she'll be spotted in a preschool setting and at that point, a speech eval is appropriate.  good luck

[kylani]

Thanks for all the replies. Him and I don't watch TV much though, and we do play with her, but the TV is always on even when we are. I have a daughter myself, 6 1/2 months now, and I don't plan on letting her become like my step-daughter. I don't see why they would've let that happen in the first place, but I guess things happen.

She lives most of the time with her mother, so she has the most influence on her life right now. I know my husband is also to blame, and I realize that switching homes is tough on her, but there's still the issues there that I was concerned about. The overweight, speech development, and always NEEDING the TV on, whether we're doing something with her or not.

Thanks

[Ashelen]

I agree with specialmom on this...my daughter is allowed 30-60 minutes of tv a day, PERIOD...and it's only when I can sit down with her and watch and we can interact about the things she's seeing. Lately that means "Dinosaur Train" On PBS, and we talk about the dinosaurs that come on the show.

We do not have cable and we only have antenna in our bedroom so we can watch tv after my daughter has fallen asleep (she's 21 months) and quite frankly I'm thrilled as can be with this set-up. My nephew is allowed, in fact, ENCOURAGED to watch tv whenever he wants, all day, and his speech is seriously lagging behind, as well as his social skills. my daughter is ahead in speech and after not allowing her free reign of the tv she honestly shows very little interest in it. Every time she goes to her grandparents' houses, they try to put on *this*  movie or *that* show to entertain her and she never wants to watch....which makes it very hard to parent (no time out for me when I need a break) but it's worth it, 100%.

I agree that the first step is to tone down whatever you and her father are watching, as well. The less you watch, the less she'll have the behavior to imitate.I agree with specialmom that you have to embrace the concept of less tv as a good thing, and as a good step in parenting...I heard SO many times when my daughter was a newborn "you just wait until you get sick of entertaining her all day (which I don't, by the way, she's very self-sufficient) you'll pop on a movie" or "just wait until you want some 'you' time, you'll turn on the tv"...and so far, it's never happened, and she's with me 24/7 every day of her life. I just embrace the concept that the real world is better for her, and that I can teach her just as effectively as the so-called 'educational' tv shows...and while it's hard to have no off-switch, it's worth it and you can get used to it surprisingly quickly.

tv issue aside...you may want to consider talking to a therapist who can give you some ideas of how to approach your step-daughter as a step-mother and how to help her adjust to living in two homes. a therapist can give you an idea of what sort of techniques may improve her behavior, and how you can become an active and effective part of her life without 'overstepping'.

good luck

[specialmom]

Well, maybe the whole house could benefit from less tv?  I think I'd have a no tv time during the day---------------  do other things as a family unit.  Then she can have her time for watching what she'd like.  I will tell ya, I'm a mom of two young boys and I watch no tv during the day and in the evening----------  the kids have their shows on until they go to bed. It is just the way it is.  I watch what I'd like later.  One of the many sacrifices of parenting.

I don't think this is the mother's fault.  The child has two parents.  What is the issue with Dad?  He is her father as well and just blaming mom will get you no where.  And what you describe . . . pretty typical of kids.  

It is very hard on little ones to go back and forth between two houses.  Always remember that.  She is a little girl that has immature ways of dealing with things while you are the adult that knows better.  You can't expect her to be on your level as she needs to grow and develop into that.  Help her along and don't get mad as she is learning.  Good luck  

[kylani]

Yea, sometimes when we do other things with her she's fine afterwards, but the main problem is she can be playing with her toys, doing something else, and as soon as we change the channel to watch something for ourselves (usually sports, like soccer or hockey) she throws a fit even though she wasn't even watching it. She always gets her way, but I feel there's nothing I can do since I'm not one of her parents. But this has been annoying me and getting under my skin for a while. It's a very touchy subject so I can't just go up to her mom and say "straighten your kid up or she's not coming here anymore"

[specialmom]

Well.  A child can have a slight fit and that does not mean they get their way.  Turn the tv off and DO things with her.  Most kids may get upset about a show being turned off-------- but if you are turning it off to do something fun, they adjust pretty quickly.  Distract her and help her find other things to do.  Go to parks, go swimming, make life fun without the tv to keep her company.  

As the grown ups in the house, you can do this.  And it does not have to be a fight.  Embrace the idea of parenting her and guide her through and things will be alright.  If you are active and out and about, she will be too.  If you let her just sit------- that's what she'll do.  So you have to take the bull by the horns and get this going in the proper direction.  But in a calm, kind and loving way.  good luck