Teen Friendship Problem

[PinkPanther2004]

My 12-year-old daughter has a friend whom she considers "best friend." She is a very nice girl, very polite. However, my daughter has found out that she stills from her. Nothing serious, but stuff she adores. A couple of times we let it go, but last time she stole three items from her room that she can't replace. We are good friends with the girl's parents, but we have realized that my daughter can't trust her anymore. We can't trust her anymore. Now, I have a dilemma and ask for your input. We have two options: 1) Tell the girl's mom politely and implicitly expect acceptance of guilt, maybe apology, as it has caused a lot of pain for our daughter, 2) Not tell the girl's mom, not tell the girl, and gradually reduce their interactions/relationship. For example, no sleep overs. My feeling is that while we will get the satisfaction of telling them what the problem is, the first option will lead to animosity, which, I worry will cause additional pain in the future for my daughter. What do you think we should do? I would really appreciate your honest input. Thanks!

[jemma116]

You need to have some words with her parents and also with her.

Have a talk with your daughter too to make sure she has not "loaned" it out and whether she has seen her friend take anything.  More than likely the friend would have slipped things into her pocket very discreetly.

If there are no other young children in the house and this is the only friend that does come, as unpleasant as it is, you are going to have to discuss this with her parents.  This type of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud.

Best of luck.
Do keep us in touch to how you get on.

[PinkPanther2004]

Thank you so much for the advice. We did look everywhere. By now we have found out that she might have taken more stuff! I can't understand it. We all have been so nice to her ...

[PinkPanther2004]

Thank you for the advice. It makes sense.

[skepticalpeach]

I would approach the other parents regarding this; especially since she took something that is very important to your daughter. Her parents may not know that she is doing this. If they are good friends with you they should take it seriously and make their daughter return what she stole with an apology. If you never speak to them about it and just reduce your friendship you are not giving them a chance to make it right. Essentially you may be throwing a friendship unnecessarily. If she can learn now that this behavior is bad it will go much better for her in the future. It could even impede her ability to keep a job.  

[jemma116]

Rather than tell the parents that their daughter may be stealing, when the girl comes to your house, have a private chat with her on her own.

Tell her that 3 of your daughter's treasured possessions that cannot be replaced have gone missing and whether she has seen them and does she know where they are.  

Remind her that taking things without permission from the owner is theft and is a criminal offence.  If she has "borrowed" them, if they are returned you will not be contacting the police.  This may be enough for her to give them back.  

Make sure that you check your daughter's bedroom everywhere just in case they have fallen under the bed, into a shoe, hidden in a wardrobe.

Unfortunately, because no one saw her take anything, you do have to tread carefully.

You could also speak with her parents and ask them if they have seen these items as your daughter may have accidently left them at their property/your daughter may have lent them to her.  Or their daughter may have "borrowed" them not realising that they are of sentimental value and need to be returned as soon as possible.

I agree with you with regard to no sleepovers.  When she is in your property even for a short time, I would not allow her to go into your daughter's room and I would also watch her like a hawk.

Best of luck