To me, you seem to have gone above-and-beyond what most parents would have done. I believe she felt neglected by not having any responsibilities around the house and having no restrictions on her comings and goings. It may have been "easier" for you and your husband to do "everything" and not involve your children but children need to have some responsibilities growing up or they will have a "skewed" view on just how the world works. And, for the sake of other parents, don't apologize for everything that goes wrong in your family - parents aren't perfect but lay the blame where it needs to be laid and not ALWAYS at your doorstep.
And it's not a bad idea to canvass other parents and ask how they would handle a situation but give them the credit - no child wants someone else's parents to be involved in your handling of your kids.
I hope this works for you.
I agree with DaddyDad2 - let her stay with grandma for the time being. But, should she ask about moving back in, set some "hard and fast" guidelines and give her some responsibilities that she HAS to deal with before she is granted any more privileges around YOUR house.
Hi. Sorry you are having these problems. I can say as a mom of a teenager, they are very confusing. I find myself shaking my head, wondering what the heck and worse, what I could have done differently. All we can do is try as parents. It's never going to be perfect.
So, she is now 18. That's kind of a turning point. Most kids at that point are preparing for what is 'next'. For some, that's going to be college. For some, that's going to be trade school. For some, it's a job. Which direction is she headed? This is really the major discussion I think at this point. She's immature but she'd not be the only one her age that is. But reality is, she needs to be setting herself up for phase two of life. That's when she is getting into a position to be independent of her parents financially and otherwise. She's not at an age really where that should be fully expected. But she's also not of an age in which she should be treated like a young child either.
The bind you are in as well is that she has her grandmother that may not go along with you in the forced growing up. So, she's not going to charge rent, not allow her to drive her car (uninsured) or even have her pay gas money. I think you'll need to discuss what expectations are with her grandmother too.
I think it is fair to have expectations of her. Unfortunately, she's kind of led a life it sounds that you do most everything for her and allow her moods to rule the day. As I said, I have teenagers and I know it is a fine line between what should and shouldn't be acceptable. I know my boys are normal with some of their moods, outbursts, etc. But when does it drift to not normal? When do I? It all can be complex. But at this point, there is no reason for you to accept screaming or carrying on.
Let's talk about what discussions have happened about preparation for the next few years and what her plans are and we'll go from there.
I totally agree with DaddyDad.
So far, she's gotten pretty much whatever she wants when she wants it. She doesn't even have to do dishes.
She thinks the grass is greener at Grandma's? Okay, that's fine. Right now, it probably feels that way - Grandma wants some time with her, will spoil her rotten, and eventually, Grandma will wonder why an 18 year old isn't picking up after herself, doing her laundry, etc.
Your job as a parent is to raise your children into adults. It's not to make sure they are happy and comfortable at all times. This phase is part of raising her into an adult. She'll be fine.
Don't get too caught up in her thinking you loved the others more. That may be partially true, partially guilt. She knows your buttons to push to get you to react. Don't parent from guilt.
When I was 18, I thought my mom was a special kind of stupid, and that life wasn't fair and I was the biggest victim of everything. I got over it. Your daughter will, too.
She has some growing up to do. I recommend backing off from the urge to encourage her return home. If possible, I think it would be a good idea to form a good relationship with her grandmother (if you havent already) to decrease chances of badmouthing you. While I am sure she is lovely and endearing, the behavior you described also points out that you have raised your child to be an an entitled, spoiled, disrespectful, and unappreciative adult. I can relate as I pretty much did the same thing. At 16, my daughter left to go live with her grandmother on moms side. Betrayal is an understatement of how I felt! For you, it's time to stop kissing her but and walking on eggshells when shes around. At the same time, tell her her that you love her and keep communicate lines going. When there are family events invite her along but dont let her rule the roost by guilt tripping. Shut that down, nicely.
Also, I wouldnt express your feelings of disappointment about the past or present either. Just stay as positive as you can and if you need to it's ok to be "in a rush" and get off the phone or leave if you cant deal. Grandma may eventual "break" too and you could find yourself nodding to her complaints about your daughter over the phone. In time, your daughter should get out of this stage. Life has a way of waking us up to the reality we face. Sometimes our "protection" can hinder their growth so let go of thinking YOU have to fix this. She has to learn accountability now. Pat yourself on the back, focus on your family at home and occupy yourself best you can. Things WILL work out.