Why does my 8 year old want to be friends with someone who has bullied him?

[Barbara811]

My 8 year old "squeezed" another kid's butt today on the baseball field, The kid is actually a "friend" who has in the past hit or made fun of my boy. My son will not tell on him because he does not want to get him into trouble. One day my son came home from school with a red mark on his head where this kid had hit him. The principal told me that they have had trouble with the kid and that his mother always just says the "boys will be boys" thing. Today, after not allowing my son to play with this kid, they ended up at a function on the same field. The boys got into the same line and then the kid knocked my son's cap off. I watched my son pick it up and say nothing. Just ignored it. After the activity the other kid told me that my son had "squeezed" his butt. I was so angry. I talk to my kid about personal space all of the time. My son said he fell down and grabbed the kid to pull himself up. I do not think my kid was lying, but I told him again not to do that. Never to touch anyone. My child is ADHD and he is in OT for other issues. He is taking Adderall and I did medicate him today. When I admonished him, he cried and said he told him that he was sorry. He did not think it was a big thing, but I again told him about personal space. I do not know why he gravitates toward this kid. The kid used to pick on him in Head Start and I would have to intervene because his mother felt like it was the other way around even after the teacher told her differently. I do not know why my child wants to be friends with a kid who tells on him constantly and then sits back and sees him get into trouble because I have a zero tolerance for that. I need help.

[specialmom]

Well, that's annoying for sure.  To me, it sounds like the other boy has some issues and the parents/mom views your son as a good kid that would be good for her son to be around.  Summer is coming and you can separate.  

Do not be surprised though if this family doesn't come back into your life at different times as you do things in the community.  I know I've had to kind of just ride it out at times.  And again, my son's little social circle is really nice.  They let anyone hang out with them that wants to and the boy who is not my fave is now part of the group.  Ugh.  But as my son is older, I've hopefully worked with him enough to be a good judge of character and to demand being treated right.  We'll see.  

Anyway, sorry that it is hard and yes!!  Summer is coming when you'll have more control!  Just don't let them know where you guys swim or play in the summer or you'll be seeing the there.  :>)  good luck

[Barbara811]

I am so in agreement!! I have talked to my boy about friends and how friends act. He is a great friend to this kid. I have talked to his mom and told her that I did not think that our boys are a good pair. I did not let him do anything with the kid. The principal and teachers were told to make sure that they did not interact after it was clear that the kid was constantly telling on my boy when my boy did not say a word about him. It came to a head when the mother of the boy told the principal that my son was always "trouble". The principal quietly told her that her son was in the office at least once a week and that the only time my son was in the office was when her son ran to a teacher and told on him. For six months, it was Heaven. Then, one day, my son came home and said, "God said we have to forgive, right?" "I said, "Yes, Sweetheart. We forgive others because God forgave us." He said, "Good. Because (boy) asked for forgiveness and we are friends again. He is being nice to me. I told him that I was not in total agreement that they should be friends and that if he was mean to him again, or got him into trouble that I would not allow him to be friends with him anymore. I explained that forgiveness is a good thing. I also had to explain that sometimes people say that they are sorry just because they want you to be their friend. (This kid now has no one to play with and he knew that my boy was a kind soul). The mom called and begged me to let them play together again. I told her that I was keeping the rule at school because the are not in the same class so they do not have to interact. I told her that he could come over to our home for a pizza dinner and that I would like for her to stay. It went okay. Then, she decided that she wanted to put her boy in every club, activity, sport that my boy is in. She wanted to put him in Kung Fu (Thank God her husband said it was too expensive), she wanted to put him in Cub Scouts until I told her that she would have to stay for the meetings and that I would not take her son, and the last thing was baseball. My son's team was already full, but she tried her best to put him on my son's team. The event today was a league event so all of the kids were there from every team. Thank God that school is almost out and that they will not be playing on the same team after all.

[specialmom]

Ugh, been there.  My son had a boy that he 'adored' as in he REALLY wanted to be friends with this kid . . .   and the kid was bad news.  This started in first grade and continued until fourth.  This boy would physically do things to my son, would put him down, would be unpredictable, nice one minute and then a jerk the next, knew my son's hot buttons and pushed them and worst of all, had other kids picking on my son.  I wanted to throttle the kid!  But there was my son lining up for 'more'.  I, in third grade, convinced my son to work on making some 'more' friends without cutting this boy off as he didn't want to do that (wanting that elusive friendship).  My son did and as the original boy went to his new friend and tried to get him to ditch my son  . . .   and the new friend TOLD my son--  it was FINALLY what my son needed to move on!  It took a few months to fully sink in by in the beginning of Fall of fourth grade, my son was not chasing the original kid around to be friends.  Two years later, that boy has few friends and is quietly trying to join my son's little friendship group.  Hm.  I'm watching.  And here's the good news . . .  SO is my son.  It's maturing.
So, your guy is young.  Maturing in his ability to reason and decide for himself if someone is 'good' for him or not.  Talk a lot about what makes a loyal friend (and remember, loyalty usually comes into play around age 9 or 10 and before that, most kids are out for themselves).  Talk about what a good friend would do and what a bad friend would do.  Don't relate it to the boy--  just have discussion and use examples.  I do draw the line when a child gets my kid in trouble. I talk to teachers about that and separate them.  You gotta protect your kid.  But the mature way of choosing friends is something we have to teach our kids and if we are patient, they typically will get it.  good luck