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Why does my son behave badly at his mothers?

My 6 year old son is completely different behavior wise with his mum than with me, ie, very bad for his mum and anyone connected , grand parents etc but he is a model child for me...I've been divorced from his mum for 5 years and see him 2-3 days a week... at his mums he will kick , hit, swear, have massive tantrums over the most minor thing, try to break things in the house , the list goes on. He's quite well behaved at school and when he's with me he's like a different boy altogether, always helpful, listens, if he's told he can't have or do something he accepts it without a hint of a tantrum, of course he has times when he doesn't always do as he's told but is never disrespectful and it's never anything major. His mum, my ex is getting upset by his worsening behaviour and innit not sure what I can give as advice to help. I'm not a fan of branding kids with disorders like adhd as this seems to be happening far too much these days rather than the parents taking responsibility so I thought I'd try and get some actual advice here....thanks
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13167 tn?1327194124
I have to add you should see what happens with "Moms and Muffins" vs. "Dads and Donuts" morning in kindergarten here.  Kindergarten teachers laugh so hard - kids sit in their chairs,  obediently draw the assigned picture,  while dad is there for donuts.  On Moms and Munchies,  it's bedlam with squirming children who are sitting in their moms laps crying,  or running around the room laughing.  The difference between the two is startling and would probably make great video footage for family dynamics.  Especially the boys.
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1 Comments
How do you talk about his mother when he's at home? Perhaps your body language communicates that you're not happy when he goes to his mothers which would cause him to see her as the bad person. Consider that he could be mirroring your feelings.
13167 tn?1327194124
Muse,  this is very common,  even in intact families,  that children behave well for their fathers and reserve their expressions of frustration and unhappiness to vent on their mothers.

When Dad walks in the room,  kids behave.  It's almost a funny cliche.

The old "Wait til your father gets home" warning holds true - threatening Dad's presence was often the last tool a frustrated mom had to get her children in line.  Especially boys.

The thing is,  he loves you,  and he loves his mom,  but he's more comfortable venting his various frustration on her and can't risk it with you.  

I think rather than say "well that's funny he's an angel for me" maybe you could work with her to tell him you two are a team and when he misbehaves for his mother,  that's the same as misbehaving for you.  
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189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
   ADHD must be happening in two different settings for a minimum of 6 months.  So doubt that this is related.   A kid with ADHD (especially at this age) cannot just turn if off and on.
   My guess would be that this is a learned behavior to get his way.  Does he have to compete with other kids at his moms for attention?
   And, since this is probably a behavior he has learned, it can be unlearned - but it will take time.   To change behavior, you need consistent, repeated, actions.   A great book that will help her to do this is:
          SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark  
  Hope this helps
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