cant cope anymore and so worried for my sons future

[moonbubbles]

My son is now 20 years old and working as an apprentice electrician and living at home.
My son was a lovely caring, pleasant caring wee boy, with boundaries put in place within the home environment, and he was never a spoilt child. As soon as he went to the high school, he turned into a monster over night, and he’s a bad tempered, horrible, selfish boy.

At weekends he is binge drinking, taking cannabis, legal highs, illegal highs, cocaine and ecstasy, which has resulted admission into a high dependency hospital ward, at age 16, fighting for his life. But this did not stop him, as over the years things have got worse, he started fighting, getting in trouble with the police which has resulted in him been charged several times. I believe he is an extreme risk taker.  

Without drink and drugs he is an extremely lovely pleasant, respectable young man and keen to do well in his career (which he is holding on to with a bit of thread). He knows what his triggers are (drink and drugs).  But wont stop, He tells me he doesn’t do many drugs now, which I don’t believe and is very open that he just started smoking cannabis daily.

Now age 20, and on a night out and under the influence of drink and drugs, he got into yet another fight resulting in a very serous assault causing injury of a broken arm to his victim. He was then placed into police custody the whole week end till he appeared in court on a Monday... When realised on bail, he appeared so upset about what he had done to his victim.  He still is awaiting his punishment for this crime.

During his time on bail he was caught being slightly over the influence (57mg) of alcohol, again resulting in him being in police custody for another weekend then released to face court.
However following the next weekend,   he got drunk and stole someone’s bike to get somewhere quick, but later returned it.
Then the following week after that, when I was so fortunate  to get a hold of him in the early hours of the morning (4am) because I had a gut feeling once again something was terribly wrong,  I found him  so drunk slumped on a railway  bridge.   He had  taken  a cocktail of drugs including ecstasy, which gave him bad hallucinations for the first time,  making he so tearful and wanting to throw himself off this  bridge , because he doesn’t think life going to be worth living, he said these hallucinations have freak him out and he will never take ecstasy again (I DON’T BELIVE THIS).  He expressed his regret and explained he is as sorry to us as parents for all the hurt and trouble he has caused us. He said he needs to change his life he tired of it and fed up being in trouble (I so want to believe this) however I believe he was under the influence of ecstasy when he expressed this to us, he even gave his dad a cuddle which is abnormal emotion for him to show towards his dad as they haven’t been speaking for months because of his behaviour. .
We are loving parents and make a lot of time for him, he has no other siblings. He is a very strong minded character, our son has almost destroyed our marriage due to his behaviour but we will always support him but not his behaviour.

At weekends I am on a knife edge, I can’t sleep because I worry about what he’s doing, i.e., if he’s in jail or hurting someone or being hurt by someone, or if he drunk and under the influence of drugs. He won’t text me to reassure me or pick up his phone at the weekends which make me so extremely anxious now resulting in me having palpitations.  I have told him about how he makes me feel. But he just tells me to get a grip and to stop worrying and to trust him.

We have managed to keep this away from his boss as they would instantly sack him and his app
Now his latest assault charge is in the local papers and is ripping the family apart.  I am so worried his bosses are going to find out.  I am embarrass and terrified for him.  His moods have become very low over this case, he know this is all his own doing and I feel his cannabis intake has increased.

I feel I am about to have a nervous break down but managing ‘JUST TO’ hold on, for his sake,  we feel we have  done every thing we can to help him,  i.e. counselling, which he only done once  and refuses  to now engage ( because he knows  it all) . We tried being supportive, staying calm, getting mad, thrown him out, and on and on, and its so hard seeing your son almost destroying one self.

I feeling I am always on his case all the time and I try to stop the nagging and try to  trust him but it always back fires ,  I am  so terrified I am going to loose him to the justices system  or  he  looses  his apprenticeship which finishes in 5mths time, or he ends up dead. He also has drug debt.  

Any suggestions would be grateful I also realise I am not the only parent going through this. I live in the UK.

[margypops]

You need some help here he is out of control and he really needs expert help, rehab and counseling ,in my opinion you have to seek help,you cannot go it alone ...good luck

[imakedolls]

Wow you have your plate full and let me first say what a fantastic mother you are to be here seeking help and asking questions.  That shows your true love for your son.  And as a mother of boys myself I know the love bond we share with our sons.  Even when they do wrong we still do and always will love them.

With that being said it seems that when he got into highschool he swung with the wrong crowd and it took him down a bad path.  Friends are a huge influence on us epspecially at that age when most impressionable.  However I do feel that there is a risk taking behavior that some are just born with and they may more easily go down this path then others.  I know there are certain drugs such as meth etc that can cause an instant addiction but for the most part its slow coming before you move onto the hard stuff and I do think there is a certain personality trait for many who decide to use drugs.  Often there is some anxiety issues, or perhaps some self confidence issues that open the doors to drugs.  I am not saying this is always the case but quite often it is.

Please do not blame yourself for your sons behavior.  As a parent we want to fix them and find ways to enable them.  We can do this and not even be aware of it.  What are parents supposed to do?  Turn their back on their child?  No of course we cant.  I think what your son needs asap is some type of intervention and rehab program.  But what will have to happen is the friends he hangs with all have to go.  If he is to come clean he has to disconnect from all of his past friends and things that remind him of why he does drugs.  

As you already know this path he has chosen can end tragically in his passing or someone elses.  The broken arm incident could have easily turned into a stabbing or murder.  What good would he be on death row or life in jail?

See if you can speak to some rehab facilities.  For now maybe short jail time would be the best thing for him to sober him up.  I am not in your situation however I have a sibling who was a pain pill addict and I have seen the lying, cheating and complete selfish attitude that tends to be common in all addicts.  A me, myself and I and nobody else really matters.  My sibling was a very self centered person even in childhood who was always negative and wanted center stage.  This person was never happy or satisfied so she fell into the typical type to use drugs.

Please take care of YOU as well because if not your son will destroy you and nobody can take care of you only you can!!  If you have not saught help for yourself please do.  And do NOT blame yourself for this.