i just learned my H, now 50, slept with his mother until age 14

Question

has anyone been confronted to this problem ? there was no "incest" but i do believe it harmed him for life... wish i could find someone to talk about it...

This discussion is related to Mother Sleeping with 14 year old son.

luvinmy2 · Answer

PHEW!  When you said slept I thought you mean "slept".  But all you mean is sleep.  God - if my kids would sleep with me till 14 I would be overjoyed.  I love having them close to me.  My six year old son barely wants to talk to me these days.

Don't worry - I am sure you know we mothers love our kids.

francesca68 · Answer

.... thanks for your reply... "harmed for life" because his mother is now deceased, he speaks about her in a horrible way (domineering, castrating, abusive). no, they never "spooned" or were naked in bed, but she pushed her H aside and decided that her son was the "man of the house". she would ask her opinion on every daily subject, he became her confidant, holder of all her woes, secrets and fears. when my H married, she kept calling him 10, 20 times a day, she could not function without him. nowadays, my H is very skeptical of women as a whole, has a love/hate relationship with them. he feels easily punished and denigrated by women and we have had to work hard to build a true relationship founded on unconditional trust. (not easy). he feels his mother "scarred him for life", putting too much pressure on him and making him guilty all the time. the consequences are many, including sexual. he often says "i do not need to be mothered", but -at the same time- i've never encountered a man so much in need of mothering, nurturing, reassurance and love. does this make sense ?

francesca68 · Answer

.... thanks for your reply... "harmed for life" because his mother is now deceased, he speaks about her in a horrible way (domineering, castrating, abusive). no, they never "spooned" or were naked in bed, but she pushed her H aside and decided that her son was the "man of the house". she would ask her opinion on every daily subject, he became her confidant, holder of all her woes, secrets and fears. when my H married, she kept calling him 10, 20 times a day, she could not function without him. nowadays, my H is very skeptical of women as a whole, has a love/hate relationship with them. he feels easily punished and denigrated by women and we have had to work hard to build a true relationship founded on unconditional trust. (not easy). he feels his mother "scarred him for life", putting too much pressure on him and making him guilty all the time. the consequences are many, including sexual. he often says "i do not need to be mothered", but -at the same time- i've never encountered a man so much in need of mothering, nurturing, reassurance and love. does this make sense ?

Agiesmom · Answer

Here's my reply to your post on the 12-17 board:

I think the answer to your question depends on the cirucumstances.  Sleeping fully clothed in the same queen-sized bed is very different than spooning naked or his mother wearing sexy lingerie to bed.  Did he leave her room when he started to go through puberty?  Also, did she make him sleep with her (because she was lonely, scared, etc.), when he didn't want to or did he want to because he was insecure and sad about a divorce and they were both comfortable with the situation, but he is now suddenly feeling weird about it because you had a negative reaction to the information?  Why do you think it harmed him for life?  Does he have some issues that may be related to something else and you are connecting those issues to this situation because you think it's weird when it may have been truly innocent? 

It really depends on the specific situation and circumstances.

musicmama · Answer

What makes you think this harmed him for life?  I have two friends who slept with their parents for "too long"  The first one grew up in the Phillippines.  He slept with both of his parents until he was 15.  He is now a successful business man and father.  The other is an 80 year old lady.  She slept with her father until she was about 16.  Her mother died giving birth to her, and her sisters raised her.  There was nothing sexual in either case.  Although it is odd, I would chalk it up to a different culture and move on.

Hope this helped.  Good luck and God bless.