emotional problems with 2.5 yr old at visitation

[katiebug32888]

I have a 2.5 yr old son and 1 yr old daughter. Both by my x husband. He was diagnosed with parinoid skitzo and became physically agressive with me and our kids. I divorced him a week after my daughter was born. Im now remarried and their step father is great with them. Both my kids think hes their dad and both call him dad. The kids have supervisied (by the xhusband parents whom he lives with) visitations every other weekend. We live 3 hrs away and r responsiable for driving them down and picking them up. I call the kids and speak with them everyday while theyare there. My son has had some problems throught the arrangement like when we pick him up he cries all the way home acts sad and wants to b held and loved on. We try to get him out of his mood by turning on some of his favorite music and by the time we get home hes pretty much back to normal. But this time when i call he says "mommy just go to work" then throws the phone on the floor and tries to stomp on it. And hes refusing to speak with me over the phone. Its like he thinks i took him there because im working. And thats not the case. He also said yesterday when i called " mommy please come get me". My daughter loves all the attension and it doesnt seem to bother her much. But my son looks heartbroken. Hes so confused and it breaks my heart to see him like this. While hes there hes also been being mean and trying to hit bite and pinch his sister. Not to mention being kicked out of the day care that is sit up for them while they are there. He bite another girl there 4 times and left dark brusies. He gets home and wont sleep, and mibehaves, and crys, hes even having night terrors. Im so scared and i feel helpless. I want him to be able to understand but i know hes only 2 and cant. What can i do?

[adm123aal]

The sad part is...if these visits are court ordered there is NOTHING that mom can do.  Unless you go back to the court and have visitations revised...mom will be in contempt if she doesn't make sure they get to their visit.  
While I understand the importance of the childrens relationship with dad and his family, it just appears that the court system/GAL's don't look at the emotional well being of our little ones.

[katiebug32888]

Thank you everyone for the amazing advice. A vistit to a therpist may end up being our answer here as well as taking my x back to court about the driving arrangemnts and visistation times. And yes we are 100% responsiable for all transportation for visitation. During the intial divorce i went in with my xhusbands laywer and she had gotten me to agree to the driving arrangment saying that i wouldnt want him to b driving the kids around due to his meds. But after i sign everything hands me a parenting time guidline book showing me that his family should have been responsiable for half the driving. I also got stuck with paying all medical expenses for the kids which i dont mind due to him being upset that i told him i was not going to share custody with him. He had legal rights and surpivised visits and thats it. I was dumb bc at that time i couldnt afford a lawyer and went with almosty whatever he said to be able to get the dirvorce thru. I am a reason why 18 is too young to be marrried... Warn ur daughters. :) and thanks for all the wonderful advice guies.

[nola0805]

This is a really tough situation.  I agree with what everyone has said - your children need to see their father and an overnight visit seems too long right now.  I would suggest getting in contact with the courts to explain what is going on and how this is impacting your son - 1) it cant be 100% your legal responsibility to provide transportation and 2) the long visits are really hard on your son.  I would ask the courts for a one day 10 hour visit.  That way they get to see him but just not so long and not overnight.

If you go this route then you really should take him to be seen by a child psychologist, as you may need his/her expert advice for the court.  But make sure it is someone that specializes in work with young children (children under 5).

If changing the length of the visits is not possible, then I still recommend some short term counseling - well done play therapy allows young children the opportunity to process their stresses and worries and can be amazingly helpful (and it does not assume that there is anything wrong with him - it is just helping him with a hard transition).  The therapist can also help you and your husband learn how to best prepare him for the visits and respond to him on the phone and once back to home to help him during this really difficult time.  How you handle his challenging behaviors once he is back home can prevent longer term behavior problems from developing from this.

Good luck

[margypops]

I agree with you about the visiatations and legal rights , Dad s do need to see their children but it shouldnt be put on you to do all the driving,howeverthe childrens needs come first and it sounds as if they are too young to be awayfrom you  that much and it is upsetting them .A pity they cant come up with Gas money or do some driving, is it possible to mention this in any court hearing?

[katiebug32888]

The grandparents and him both refuse to drive up here to c them they dont even meet us half way. They always make up an excuse y they cant when in reality they have 6 adults (his sibblings) living in that house and are much more finacially able to do it. But i cant drive 3 hrs away leave the kids with him for 10 hrs. Then drive 3 hrs back home and then get up and do it the next day all over again. Its a lot of unnessary driving and we shouldnt have to fork out money for a hotel near his residence for everyother weekend just for him to get to visit the kids that he doesnt care for have a history of abusing (when my daughter came home from a visit she was 2 months old and came home with a broken arm) not to mention my work schedule or my husbands work schedule. So in sharing this thats y we just agree to drive the 3 hr trip sat morning and pick them up sunday night. So yeh they do spend the night. But its bs i half to choose between the 10 hr a day visits or keeping a roof over their heads. These laws about visitations and legal rights are honestly ****** up! My daughter should not have to come home dead as proof that hes doing something wrong in order for the courts to make a decision baised on the physical and emotional wellbeing of the children.!!!!!!

[margypops]

I think it would be a good idea to make sure you can afford the gas and get them,  this in my opinion is too long epspecially as they obviously want to be with you, how about the grandparents can  come and visit at your house one day every two weeks seems they have more to do with them than the Dad .Tough but the children do come first .

[adgal]

It's a tough situation.  Honestly, consult a child physcologist.  I don't think there is any real reason for your kids to be in therapy, it seems to me the responses are pretty normal give then situation.  But I think if I were in your situation, I might want professional advice on handling it.  Maybe a change in the visitation or custody order is needed?  They deserve and need a relationship with their father...and their grandparents for that matter, but surely there is something that can be done to make this easier.  I do wish you well, this is a tough one for sure.

[katiebug32888]

Their dad is medicated and sleeps most of the day while his parents take care of the kids. Hes only awake about 2 hrs a day and she sits on the floor and plays with them. But hes not loud at all.  And yes i totally agree. My kids are way too young to be on over nites. They r requied to spend 10 hrs saturday and 10 hrs sunday with him everyother weekend but my husband and i are responsiable to drive them their and back its a 3 hr drive one way. We cannot afford the gas to come home and i work on weekends sometimes too.

[adgal]

Well, I think he's just angry.  I have a 2 year old, and I cannot even imagine his reaction if every other weekend I just dropped him off somewhere...even with his father.  At that age they are far too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships, and all he cannot grasp that this is his father and he has to visit him.  Particularly if he is calling your husband dad.  It has to be so confusing for him.  And I have no doubt the physical aggression is just his way of expressing that he is angry.

I'm not sure exactly what you can do at this point.  I do believe that children should have a relationship with both parents if possible, but I'm not sure that I think children that age should be sent for the weekend every other weekend if there is not a close bond there.  I would be more inclined to want day visits etc., perhaps more frequently so that there is more of a relationship established before going back to overnight visits.

Other then that, I just don't know.  If it were me I would probably consult a professional opinion.  Not necessarily that your son needs a counselor, but an opinion from one in how to help me work through it with him.  Best of luck to you.

Btw..paranoid schitzophrenia can be a pretty serious illness.  Has he been diagnosed and is he on medication?  It could also be the illness causing odd behavior that even if not violent or aggressive to them, could frighten your son.