physical and emothional abuse

[mrstescol]

I had a very close relationship with my daughter who is now 12.  (I am a single parent - mother)   For the last year she has been physically and emotionally abusing me.  I am firm with her and set boundaries, but she seems to need to want to control.  It makes the household quite an unhappy one.  She is critical generally and contemptous.  If I was a partner that someone had this kind of treatment from maybe one would leave them.  But she is only 12.  If at least I could understand what was going on it would help.  Trying to speak to her brings no rusults just her shouting in my face.

Would the above be caused through some kind of truama she has suffered or is just the usual case of adolecence?
If it is only adolecence wouldn't it be extreme?

I do cuddle her and she does respond to that, but she would never return it.

[mrstescol]

We had a very close relationship and then we moved house and things went pair-shaped after that, she joined a new primary school and has then now just started secondary school, and recently started her period.  She has had quite a lot of changes.

When I say she is physically abusive, I don't mean gigantic blows to me, just constant pushing, shoving, scratching etc.,  and then she will want to cuddle.  (I do tend to cuddle her quite alot, but I went to a parenting class, and they said not to cuddle her immediatly after bad behaviour as it will be giving her the message that I am rewarding her for the bad behaviour.

She isn't like it just with me, just with people she feels quite deeply for, me, her best friend and her father and our dog.  (She see's her Father as much as possible but he he does not tend to contact her for long periods.

She is involved at the moment with a mental health team, but they say they are leaving her alone for a while as she will not co-operate with them and they have said that forcing someone to have therapy when they are not ready can do more harm than good.

No one has been violent with her.  II am sure all the above problems have had an impact on her, all the changes but I would like Ito advise how to re-assure her and to be able to stop her behaviour.  I have tried everything including talking but she will only talk about anything on her terms.  I am extremely worried.

No-one has been voilent to her.

[specialmom]

Hm.  How does she do with other people?  How does she do at school?  Does she have friends?  Activities?

You will need to address this.  Absolutely.  A child that treats their parent with physical violence or complete disrespect is in for a rough life.  Finding out why she behaves this way with you will be helpful but there are many holes in your story that make it difficult to discuss that.  Have you considered a therapist for her?  But you will have to set limits and be foreceful.  

Oh, and was someone violent with her?  

[margypops]

How do you mean she is physically and emotionally abusive can you give us a scenario? What would trigger an episode , is she in contact with her father is he in her life ?