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social services, foster parenting

Hello,  My 13 year old son was diagnosed at age 5 with ADHD, OPPD, and Asperger's Syndrome. There is a possibility that he also has Obsessive Compulsive disorder, but it has not been confirmed. He was put into foster care on March 7th, 2008 and is doing well. He is following rules and complying whereas with me he was controlling and manipulative and dominating the house. He was able to manipulate me and get what he wanted. After 8 years of therapists and Dr's and psychologists and IEP's at the school and dealing with his behaviors besides being a single mom with two  other children, and working full time, I was just too tired to keep up. Social Services stepped in to help. But now they are wanting me to sign a Child in Protective Custody document allowing my son to stay in foster care, and waiving my parental rights. They want me to sign that I was "neglectful". I noticed on a website that there is another option. There is a category of "child behaviors" and the "parents inability to cope". The Social Services Case Manager is saying that she hasn't heard of this and will look into it, but at the same time is working to persuade me to just sign that I was neglectful. I am a nurse. I am wondering if saying I was "neglectful" would be on a background check, and would it ruin my license, also, why would they want me to lie instead of signing that my son has behaviors. I read the definition of neglect on the website and my situation does not fit that category. His needs were always met. He had all of his health care, education, mental health, and physical needs met. Should I insist that they use the child behavior category? What are the ramifications of saying I was neglectful?  Thank you
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your response and questions, they are certainly helping me to think through my situation. Social Services became involved with my son and I in November, 2007. They set up assignments for me to work on with my son to incorporate change into our home. Although some changes were made and some goals were met, I was continually found to be inadequate in taking on the full spectrum of what my son was dishing out. He would get angry if I wanted him to follow a rule, slam out of the house or kick or hit me or yell at me. He wanted to sit on the couch and dictate to me and my two adult children what he wanted to eat and when and he wanted his meal delivered to him while he watched cartoon network or played sony games.
Social Services and his psychologist, and psychiatrist felt that the situation would become increasingly difficult as puberty set in. I have talked to him weekly, and was able to visit him once. He is unhappy with the situation because he is being told what to do and is being made to follow the rules and schedule and structure that the rest of the foster kids and family are following. He bucks up against their authority, but they have consequences for his bad actions and privileges are taken away in order to correct his bad behaviors. He is being more considerate of me now, and he tells me that he hates it there, but he doesn't ask me to come and get him or bring him home. I feel that the foster parents have the ability to shape him into an adult that can function in society in an acceptable way. I know that I am not able to offer him the life skills that he needs to succeed. So I am willing to sign the papers and let him be raised in foster care knowing that they are giving him a chance to develop into a respectable person. I just cringe at the tag they have put on me of being "neglectful" because I read the definition of that, and it is not at all what was happening in my home. My sons needs were met and he was doted on. He received all of the care and attention that I could give him and offer him through various services. He doesn't even have a single cavity. But the discipline and structure were lacking, and so they feel that "neglectful" is appropriate, although that doesn't express the harried and run ragged lifestyle that I lived since he was diagnosed 8 years ago. On one hand I am relieved that he is getting help, on the other hand I feel inadequate and afraid of being removed from his life. I am hoping that I won't lose all contact. A meeting is being held April 28th, 2008 that will discuss what our future has in store for us. I do feel it is inevitable that he will remain in foster care permanently. If I don't sign voluntarily, it will be court ordered. Thank you for letting me vent to you and for being interested in my situation. I do appreciate your concern.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your questions and concern. My son was placed in foster care because I needed respite, and because he was pooping in his pants, and he was not doing his homework. He was manipulating and controlling the household and was becoming overly bossy and defiant. I was not able to discipline him or set up structure or a routine. Originally the psychologist had me contact social services to incorporate a support network for us, because my family lives in Idaho, and I have no after school help other than my oldest son, who felt exhausted by the demands placed on him. They put my youngest son in foster care to give me respite and to train him in following authority figures and to begin parenting classes with me. My son is doing well in foster care because he now has a set bedtime, is forced to wear pj's and brush his teeth, sit at the able to eat and is not allowed to dictate what he will and will not eat. They have set up rules and structure and are taking away privileges in order to get him to comply. He is in 6th grade and mainstreamed. He has an IEP with a special ed class which mainly helps him to catch up on classwork as he is slower with his assignments. He has a psychiatrist, psychologist, in home therapist, PCA, special ed teacher, medication management and now foster parents. They all agree that he needs to be in foster parenting and taught life skills and that I am unable to discipline him and give him the full time oversight that he needs. My two older children think he is in a good situation and that he is learning that he isn't the boss. I think that I have hit the "done deal" point, because I have been served to appear in court over this now. I think they are going to court order that he remain in foster care. I was hoping to use "child behaviors" as the category for why they have put him in foster care, but I am not sure that my county recognizes that as a reason although I have found it on websites as 10% of the case history problems. I think they are saying that I neglected to discipline him and so they feel that I fit in the category of neglect. It is either that or abuse with them, and they know he wasn't abused. I am thankful for the family that has taken him on. They are kind and stable and stronger willed than him. They go to church with him and live in a rural home. He is in a better school that can offer him more because they are in a higher income bracket than the school he was formerly in. I'm not sure how many of my parental rights will be taken away. We are having a "staffing" meeting on Monday April 28, 2008 to discuss his current situation. I think if I don't voluntarily sign the child protection custody forms at that time, then I will be forced to do that in court. It seems so dramatic and rushed, but I do see that my son is being made to toe the line and learn some hard lessons and he is being given a wonderful role model in the foster father. I just wish they could call it "child behaviors" and "parents inability to cope" instead of neglect. Either way, I do feel he is in a better situation. Thank you for your prayers, and for responding to my posting. I admire that you are helping your two children and meeting their needs.
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Avatar universal
That is a tough situation and it must be very difficult as a single mom.
I am an adoptive mom. We fostered our kids first.

Was he placed in foster care as a temporary solution until you figure out what to do?
I know they have respite situations to aid parents who are experienceing hardship.
But I also know that they like to develop a permanency plan for the child. They may feel the need to move ahead with something.
Why do you think he is doing well in foster care? That's an important question to answer.
What is you personal support network like? To you have parents or other family living nearby who can help you? There may be programs through the school district and county to assist you. I would talk to your worker about it.
I think that you should not sign anything that says you were neglectful unless you were. Struggling to make it and having difficulty is not the same as being neglectful.
Talk to his teachers and other caregivers to see what they think he needs. Is he in therapy? Does he go to a school and is he mainstreamed or is he in specialized classes? Does he take meds? How involved are his doctors in his care?
My son is 9 and has Type 1 diabetes and it is a full time job. I have a daughter also who has medical issues and focus issues. It is exhausting, I know. You need a support network to help you. I agree with the above post. You also need to see if you are willing to relinquish your parental rights. If this a county thing, once you hit a certain point, it's a done deal. There is no turning back.
How do your other children feel about it? I know some of the pressure may be off now but there are thoughts and feelings that need to be dealt with. Talking to each other, therapy through the county or church may help.
I do not envy your situation. You need help working through this and need to make sure you're doing the right thing for you and all of your kids. For now and long term. Sit down and write it out so you can see it in black and white. Write down all of your questions, thoughts and feelings. That may help give you clarity.
My prayers are with you.

God bless you and help you in all of this.

Helpful - 0
152852 tn?1205713426
I think it's odd that they are pushing for "neglectful" if you were not neglectful.  It sounds as though they believe you were neglectful.

Are you really willing to sign away your parental rights?  I would think that would mean you can no longer see him and won't have access to any information about him.  The best you could hope for, in that case, is that he will find you when he's 18--if he isn't resentful.

Have you really thought this through?  I understand that being a single mother and working full time would be overwhelming, but he just left your care less than 7 weeks ago and I'm sure it was a stressful and overwhelming time for all of you.  Have you talked to him since he left?  What does he have to say about his situation?  Does he miss you and his siblings?  Is family therapy while he's in foster care not an option?

Unless you are absolutely certain that you don't want him in your life anymore, I would wait to sign anything permanent.  I would also go to Legal Aid with the documents they want you to sign before you sign them.  You should be very clear about what you are doing and the ramifications of doing it.
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