what can I do to stop separation anxiety in my 4 yr old to nana?

[mommy_of_3_flowers]

my 4 yr old is like addicted to his nana and he tells me all the time that he hates me and his daddy and that he doesnt want us, then when it hurts my feelings and i try to calm him down he asks "why? do you hate me mommy? are you mad at me?" then proceeds to tell me he loves his "nana" and wants her. He was my first born i was 18 and had a csection so my mom helped as much (first born boy) as possible with him because i couldn't hardly do any thing and my hubby was ALWAYS at work well eventually my husband started struggling trying to support me,himself, and our newborn (at the time) with a fast food restaurant job only getting 7.25 a hr and about 36 hours a week. getting paid every other Monday and I went to work at 6 weeks post partum as soon as the doc said "okay" and then I started working also non-stop my son then literally might as well say lived with my mom, she spoiled him to her bed because she co slept with him like she did with me and my 2 siblings and now he is 4 yrs old we literally just moved into our own place like 2 days ago and he is not liking it one bit but im a stay at home mom now with him, our 16 month old daughter, and pregnant with our 3rd (another boy) due in July. and he gets so bad when he doesnt get to see,stay, or talk to his nana that he kicks me in the belly, punches me, pulls my hair, bites, scratches and headbutts then tells me he hates me and his daddy that he doesnt love us nomore  (which really hurts) and that he doesnt want us that he wants his nana. which all the stress and trauma  to my belly has set on preterm labor a few times and my husband  (poor thing) got to see and feel what i have been going through with him we went to my mom's to get some more of our stuff out today and take a shower (because our new place had a water leak) and she left us at her house to go to town with my aunt and he threw his tantrum and ran away from home literally running after my aunt's vehicle down the road (thank goodness she lives in the counrry and he knew to stay out of the actual road because my husband ran after him and by the time he finely caught up to our son he was about a quater mile from the house. (still in site of course) but he then started pinching,bitting and hitting his daddy when he picked him up to bring him back to the house. and he said he hated us. i don't know what to do about it tho, I'm scarred to death dcs (child services) will come out on us because the way he screams and acts (he told me one day because I made him go to town with me that he didn't know me and was screaming and saying "I DON'T KNOW U, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE"  and I don't want to loose my baby I mean what mom would wants that? does any1 know what i should do? iv tried keeping him from her and it makes it worse plus I don't want to hurt her. that's my mom but i cant handle this separation anxiety between the two. my mom has it too with him and she cries and can't sleep at night nomore but she doesn't want nothing to do with my 16 month old daughter "because she isn't her baby, she's not like her child, and she doesn't like her nana" but yet my daughter also screams and crys for her nana but it doesn't matter to my mom as long as its not her grandson (my 4 yr old son). please some 1 if u have advise please share please no rude comments because I am pregnant and at risk for preterm labor still so really don't need the extra added stress.

[Sandman2]

Oh, I feel for you guys.   First, I agree with Specialmom completely.
I also feel for the little guy.  He didn't really get a chance to bond, and then a new little one came along, and now he sees another on the way.  You have got to make him feel like the big brother and helper....a part of the family.  

You also need to try and deal with how he reacts...and his anger.   A lot of that is communication and just not knowing how to react....which at his age is not unusual.   There are books aimed at his age group that are meant to be read aloud many times (good bonding time) and practiced.  A good start would be, "Hands are not for Hitting"  found here -
      https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775

Another good book is, "Cool down and work through anger,"  which can be found here -
      https://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along%C2%AE/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1575423464&pd_rd_r=6TVW0AN087DT9MDRNSHK&pd_rd_w=zILpf&pd_rd_wg=46xR4&psc=1&refRID=6TVW0AN087DT9MDRNSHK

and both of these links offer other books that could be helpful - all aimed at this age group.

And, I would stress that it will take time to get a change in attitude from him.   It took awhile to develop this and it will take a while to change it.   Even though the 16 month old requires your constant attention, and he seems so much more independent and mature.....you have got to make the time to make him feel special every day.   And, ya you made a very abrupt transition.   Little kids don't handle change....well, older folks don't either.   But thats done.   So try and figure out how all can come out ahead.  Hopefully, your mom can drive and easily visit you?   Even that will be a bit tough when she leaves so brainstorm that with her.  Let him know that she will be coming and coming back.   If he knows that she is not gone forever and will see him again.   It will help.  But, even that will take awhile.   And, of course, if he can start preschool or K next year, then that will also help.
    I hope this helps.  best wishes.

[mommy_of_3_flowers]

hey hun, thank you for your reply and i know you didn't mean to sound rude at first and I don't either but i do want to clear the air here (please don't missinterperate this because I promise I'm not trying to sound rude) but he gets treated equally to his sister and he gets told all the time that he's a good big brother and a very very good helper he gets praised and loved on all the time, so by no means does he get treated any differently and he knows mommy and daddy does love him he gets more toys and stuff for being a good boy then his sister does, he is very excited to be getting a brother and he loves feeling him move in mommies tummy, but he does NOT get treated any different than his sister and he always gets told on how good of a big brother and big helper he is because he is a great helper with his sister and he's supper stocked about baby bubba coming along my daughter gets just as much attention as he does and vise versa they both have my attention 24/7 little heathens lol. but i would not treat them no differently then the other tbh. i can not stand a parent or grandparent that does that to their kids/grandkids. i was the odd ball out of me and my siblings when it came to my parents and I still am my brothers get EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THEY WANT and me I'm "to independent for that" my oldest is 28 and still mouching off my parents and my youngest brother is 17 and don't want a job but loves mommy and daddies money to run around on all the time and they let them but me i need 10-20 dollars for gas to go to baby doc or get my kids something to eat "oh I'm sorry we don't have that we gave the last bit of money we had to your brother" 10 mins later "where you at?" "Wal-Mart" really?? so i know what it's like to be treated different from.my siblings and I don't wish that on no kid especially babies. my son was 2 yrs and 10 months old exactly when I had my daughter and he has been treated the same since he was born. he is treated like my little blessing because he is. i was on birth control with him and just got married a few days before i concieved him i concieved him around july 8th of 2013 was married and July 4th 2013 so we was on our honey moon when I concieved him (i could believe that lol) and my daughter i tried for her for 6 months before i concieved her she was our only planned pregnancy. but my babies all get treated equally i make sure of that if i buy one something I have to buy the other something too even tho sissy doesnt understand yet I never want either one of them to feel unequal to the other. and I believe god does everything for a reason so all my pregnancies was timed by the great Lord himself if he didn't feel my husband, our other babies, and myself was ready he wouldn't have blessed me with another.

[specialmom]

Sweetie, here is the deal.  I'm sure you and your partner did the very best you could but his life from the very beginning was intertwined with your mothers.  Which was a BLESSING with the early circumstances of your age and financial situation.  Right?  I would not be, at all, jealous of a child who adores his grandmother.  That's an important relationship and it should never have gotten to his trying to assert that.  As in, you should say "oh, we all adore nana!  She's wonderful.  I'm so glad she is in your life honey".  Things like that.  Somehow your son feels a defensive reaction about his love for your mom.  And he seems to have a flight or fight response. I don't know why.  

Does he show issues with how he handles things in other areas?  Does he have an ability to concentrate, have impulse control, is he in preschool and how does he do there?  I'm just asking because it IS quite the reaction to be so anti parent.  He may favor your mom but he is having a visceral reaction to you and your partner.  That's odd for this age to be honest.  One way that professionals judge abuse is if a young child does not bond with their parent---  as in, say they get hurt.  If they will run to anyone else BUT their parent, it is a red flag.  I know you aren't abusing your child in any way, but I'm just pointing out it is a strange reaction he is having.  Has your partner done anything to him or been stern of hand?  

I would consult with his pediatrician or the family doctor.  His emotional responses are big.  It may be really beneficial to get some help for that.  You can begin working on toning down the reactions by observing when they happen, plan ahead and have go to things he and you can do if they occur.  My son has sensory integration disorder and had BIG reactions (over reactions) too.  I understand how that is like a panic moment for parents when they start screaming, etc. and the things you describe he does.  Violence is not acceptable.  For that, a time out or loss of privileges is important.  Calmly given without yelling.  And don't underestimate the power of praise and rewards.  Every little thing, reward and praise.

I would not keep your mom from him but instead, have her and you be more of a team.  Tell her it hurts that she shows no interest in her other grandchild. And that for the sake of your son AND her, work on meshing the family together better.  Have her as part of the whole family plan verses being a problem to it.  good luck

[mommy_of_3_flowers]

i had commented before it just never sent so instead of typing out the big long comment again ill try to shorten it lol. okay so I noticed today he isn't as bad when he doesnt see her, hes not in school yet because he just turned four In April, me and his daddy doesn't even spank him but nana does, my main worry is the red flag u mentioned nither me nor my husband has ever harmed any of our babies just give them very serious "sit downs/talks" but he never wants mommy or daddy to kiss his boo boos because "he hates us and wants his nana" so he always runs straight to her and right by us. today wasnt bad at all because he only spoke to nana by video chat and not in person, he does get rewarded actually way to much if u ask me he has enough toys to feel up about 7 or 8 of the toy chests (NOT KIDDING) LOL  and when he can't decide on a toy he gets a special food or drink or BOTH of his liking. so we do not mis treat him by any means. he's actually very spoiled by me and his daddy but he's just got his pick on who his favorite person is. (which happens to be his nana)  we are not keeping him from his nana either
(she can come visit us when ever she likes and when we got time we come to visit her but his dad work 50+ hours a week and I have epelipsy seizures so I can't drive that much) and I tell him all the time "buddy u will probably see her tomorrow or in a couple days and when nana feels like watching you and sissy for a couple nights yall can go spend a weekend with her" but of course my mom doesn't like that idea because she has to take both of them and not just him and she can't stand my daughter.. so i told her until she can treat my kids equally he can't stay over night with her and he can't go visit for a few hours with out his sister either because I don't want my kids being treated differently from the other.. (some things may be spelt wrong i didn't go back and spell check this tiny because I'm typing all this on my small screen to my smart phone lol) but thank you hun for the reply and I hope this time this comment sends because this one is kind of long too lol. (i think I got all your questioning except this one) he does have severe adhd which makes it hard for him to learn new things.

[mommy_of_3_flowers]

ok let me refraise that we don't keep him from.his nana for long like literally a couple hours at the most. but never to long.