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Am I the father?

Me (married) male slept with a woman (married) on the 5 Octobet 2020.

I slept with her twice over a 2 hour period. I used a condom both times, no holes that I could see by the naked eye. I did not finish in her (with condom on) but finished outside on her tummy(pulled out, took the condom off). 1st occasion some sperm rolled down front of the tummy down the side of her Vagina/leg but she said no where near the opening of her vagina(to her recollection) and she wiped it straight away. We waited about 45 min and had sex again and once again no holes to visible to the naked eye.

She said she slept with her husband a few days before, evening of us sleeping together or a day or so after (this was around her fertile time of the month) - they did not use protection but he used the pull out method.

She had a scan done and the scan says she concieved on the 6th October (put her at 7.1 weeks gestation). How accurate is this?

We did 2x  NON INVASIVE PRENATAL PATERNITY TESTS  in Hong Kong at a Lab that is on a accredidate list on the HK goverment website ( this lab does all kinds of parenity tests and legal ones too.)

First test (7.1 weeks gestation) came back EXCLUDING me - they found 6 out of 12 markers
Matched on 1 marker
Mismatched on 5 markers ( they say if you mismatch on 3 or more markers you excluded)

2nd test (9.2 weeks gestation) once again EXCLUDED me - they found 9 out of 12 markers
Matched on 1 marker
Mismatched on 8 markers ( they say if you mismatch on 3 or more markers you excluded)

These test were about 1400 USD per test.

I am obviously very stressed about this. The girl has accepted both test results(we did them at the same lab incase they made a error on the first test), she said she trust the results and will go ahead. I obviously would want her to do a test with her husband but she said she cannot ask him as he will know what she did.
She is asian and I am western.

The Lab seems confident about results and said they did not need more of her blood sample because of the mismatches of the DNA they found.
I called the Lab a few times and the gentleman spoke me throught the results again and said the are confident.

Do I move on with my life?
I know this is a massive mistake and I dont want to cause hurt to my family and hers.
I suggested an abortion, which she said she would do if the test showed it was mine, but both tests said it was NOT mine. So now she moved ahead. I did say she must not call me if she made the wrong decision. I wanted to protect our families.

can anyone comment on the accruacy of these test?
The conception date accuracy? and some advice please

Thank you
1 Responses
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134578 tn?1614729226
COMMUNITY LEADER
You asked how accurate the scan was. Unfortunately, you do not have enough information to know. You don't mention what date she had the scan. You weren't there to hear what questions she asked the ultrasound technologist, meaning you don't know what parts of this she worked out herself from information given to her by the tech, and what parts were told to her directly by the tech. Plus, an ultrasound scan at 7 weeks 1 day has a one or two day margin for error (could be right on, could be one or two days off either direction) if used to try to determine when conception was.

This leaves you with the condom use and the DNA tests. I would assume the condoms did what they were supposed to, and would also assume the DNA tests are correct, though in the latter case you could look up the lab's name online and google whether anyone is complaining about false results.

If you cannot stop being nervous about this, offer to pay for one more DNA test, and use the DDC. They are a big lab (and I think they do testing internationally) and if they come up with the same results as the lab you used, you could rest assured that the baby is from the woman's husband.
Helpful - 0
11 Comments
Thanks for your reply. She had a scan to see how far along she was, this was at 7.1 weeks gestation.
So they did not give her a date of conception but gave her ‘how far along’ she is.

Said 7.1 weeks gestation. So working on these dates she worked out it was a day after we slept together.

Her start of her period was 25 September.
She says she is normal average 28 day cycle.

Once again we slept together on the 5th of October.

She said she slept with her husband a few days before / night of / a day or so after.
She cannot pin point the date exactly.

The condom to my naked eye did not break.

The Lab seemed very professional. Took our ID’s and made sure we confirmed everything while taking samples (both of us had to be there in person), sat us down to give us results and helped with my calls after. No real comments online about the lab.
They are accredited with an accreditation of U.K. standards etc. They seem confident about the results.

A gestational-age count of pregnancy does not begin with conception. Only if the woman asks exactly when she conceived (using that specific word) will the doctor ever break away from using the standard GA count and speculate on when conception might have been. If her doctor did not know how much this mattered to her, the doc would have answered a question about "how far along" the woman was using a GA count. The "gestational age" of pregnancy begins on day 1 of the woman's last menstrual period before she got pregnant. (Or, if her cycles are irregular, it begins on a computed day 1 of last period.) The GA count begins two weeks earlier than conception.

All doctors, nurses, textbooks, ultrasounds, (and even "What to Expect When You're Expecting") use the GA count.  If you know for sure your partner's doctor was using a GA count, you can be sure the count began two weeks before conception.

This is why I said that it matters exactly what your partner asked her doctor, and if she understood what her doctor was saying. If she just asked "How far along am I?" that is a different question than "When did I conceive?"

If she was told that she was 7 weeks 1 day and if you know for sure that the medical person was using a GA count, this means she was only about 5 weeks 1 day from conception on the day she had the ultrasound scan. This would not count back to the sex with you, but to two weeks after the sex with you.,

What is the baby's estimated due date? The length of the pregnancy time period by GA is 280 days, but pregnancy from conception to full-term birth is 266 days. To be sure what she was told by the doctor, she can look on her ultrasound for the baby's estimated due date (or EDD). Then, she can get out a calendar and count back (i.e., towards now) from that date 266 days. That will get her to the estimated conception date. (Counting back 280 days will get her to the beginning of her "weeks pregnant" count and can confirm the doctor was using the GA count.)

If I had to guess what is real from what you are saying, (though doing this thirdhand is  like playing that party game where one person whispers something in the ear of the next person, and they whisper what they think they heard to the next person, and so on) what I suspect when you keep repeating "7.1 weeks"  is that she was told she was 7 weeks 1 day gestational age. That would suggest that the day she went in for the ultrasound scan, she was only 5 weeks 1 day from conception. If so, you are out of the running entirely and it isn't surprising her husband would come out as the father in the DNA testing.  That would be the only way it could come out.
@AnnieBrooke thanks for the reply. Let me go over the dates with you again.

She started her period on 25 Sep 2020.
Her and I slept together ( condom on both times as per my story above) on 5th October.
She said she slept with her husband few days before and after 5th October.

When she went for her scan it said 7.1 weeks gestation. ( if you minus 2 weeks from it, 5.1 weeks ) put conception around 6 October 2020.
I think she said her due date is 2 July if I can remember, I am not in contact with her anymore. She "trusts" the tests and believes its her husbands

This is why I am asking how accurate is that conception date?
According to her period (she says ave 28days).

Both NON INVASIVE PRENATAL PATERNITY TESTS that were done at 7.1 wks and 9.2wks EXCLUDED me.
The lab looked professional, did all blood work at the lab etc and say they confident about the results.

Im very very stressed.

If you know for sure the due date she was given, or failing that, the date when she had the ultrasound, it would help.
In short, you keep saying she was at 7 weeks 1 day when she had her ultrasound, but you don't say when the ultrasound was. It could be 7 weeks 1 day from anything if you don't pin it to a calendar date. The baby's due date would also help narrow the dates down, but you said you weren't sure of it. Without one of those two dates, the rest of the data you are trying to  parse will not be that helpful, and you'll have to just fall back on the DNA tests and the assumption they are correct.
@AnnieBrooke

Thanks again for the reply. So the date of the Ultrasound was 11/11/2020

Said she was 7.1 gestation.

We had sex on the 5th Oct 2020. (As per original story)

Her start of her last period was 25/09/2020

Two DNA TESTS.
First one was 11/11/2020 - when we found out she was at 7.1 weeks as this was a requirement from lab. (7weeks)

2nd test 26/11/2020 at 9.2 weeks

As per story above
I’m 99% sure she said 2nd July 2021 was the expected due date

Thanks
My advice, then, is to trust the DNA tests to be accurate.

The dates here suggest conception on or around October 6 or October 9 (depending on whether you're using the ultrasound week count or the due date to estimate a conception date). In the seventh week, dates based on an ultrasound can be off by a day or two. If the woman had sex with her husband a few days before you two had sex, his sperm was probably still alive in her body when you had sex, since sperm can live 4-6 days in a woman's reproductive tract. And if conception was October 9, she might have had sex with him again by then. So if you did have a condom failure (and it doesn't sound like you have any evidence that you did), both of you would have had viable sperm in her reproductive tract at the same time.

The long and short of it is that everything you have said about the tests and the condom use suggests pretty strongly or even proves that her husband is the baby's father, and the dates don't rule it out, because his sperm would have been there at the same time that you had sex. If you can't take the worry, as I suggested earlier, you could do another DNA test, using the DDC. If its test result is the same as the two tests you already did, it might finally be enough to convince you.
Thanks
Yes she said she had sex few days before me. And a few days after me.

I definitely used a condom both times. No breaks that I could see.
As I mentioned in my original post some sperm went off her tummy and ran down side of her vagina/leg. She said it did not go near her opening but she wiped it off ASAP.

We did have sex after that but with a condom on again

That’s it. And both test came back 0% probability. EXCLUDED me.

I can’t do another test as I have moved countries now and not in contact with her. She decided to continue with the pregnancy as she believes the tests.

I’m struggling to move on and fix my marriage. ( my wife does not know about this )
What worries me is she said he does the “pull out” method.
Being doing it for years.

I’m 99% sure the condoms did not break. The 1% is my stress and worry now! But if it was mine the test would of showed that! The lab says they are confident about the results. I mean they did not find all markers they needed to but said they don’t need to because I mismatched on all makers they found but 1.

Very stressful. I’m in a dark place at the moment
I'm sorry you're in a dark place, but please don't let that remove your trust in the DNA tests. After all, you did two tests, that is one more than was needed to give you an answer. You would be in a lot worse place if one test had given one answer and another had given the opposite answer. They didn't. They agreed.

You say it's impossible to do another test, but I don't think it's true from a lab point of view, since the DDC has relationships with labs all over the world (local labs do the collection). However, it might be impossible for other reasons, especially the woman might not put up with being asked to do another test merely because you are anxious. Plus, if you were to try to get in touch with her now, it would bring on more risk of the secret being exposed. If that happened just because you were trying to allay your anxiety in the fact of tests that have results that seem very clear, it would be very unfair to her, and obviously not desirable in your life either.

In your shoes, I'd speak to a therapist about your anxiety. Failing to believe medical tests is not uncommon and is often seen in medical anxiety, which there is a lot of on MedHelp. It's a form of reaction to the feeling of powerlessness or loss of control. A therapist could be a big help there. And while you're at it, you can work with the therapist on what caused you to have this interlude in the first place, and this might help you improve things with your wife. If nothing else, you should atone for the infidelity and your subsequent silence by never pulling a stunt like this again, and by trying to be the world's best husband to her. She might not know what you did, but she didn't deserve it even so. If she gets a better husband out of it, that is a good thing.

And p.s., the "pull out" method doesn't work. It is not a form of birth control, it is a rationalization guys use who don't want to wear a condom. But sperm can be in the urethra and come along with pre-ejaculatory fluid into the woman's body whether or not the man ejaculates in her body. Lots of women get pregnant that way.

Trust the DNA tests and try to calm down.
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