Help to find the dad out

[Flow90]

Hey there
First time posting and a don’t know if this is the right place or the thread is still active but a have been hiding it since a found out a was pregnant and feel so ashamed but here he goes
I am 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow ( Sunday the 20th) and due on November 25th 2018 ... am useles with my period but have a rough idea when a conceived .. but am still confused so need some help.. a don’t know when my last period was but am guessing it was around feb ( anywhere from the 2nd to the 20th maybe ) :/ sorry a don’t know never kept track! A had sex with my current partner anywhere from the end of period in February up until the 5/6 of March and then we fell out and a stupidly went back to my childhood sweetheart and we had sex on the 7th of March and the 11th ,18th and 19th of March and that’s it ... not the nicest thing to do and a have regretted it everyday .. a want to get it right who the dad is before a come clean and be honest with everyone ! Please don’t judge me am heartbroken and have felt so down and a know it’s my fault .... so who is the dad ... the current partner or the ex ?a have done them conceive calculator but a don’t trust them and a.m. bed at math ! Sorry Thank you all so much for your help

[Flow90]

Thank you for your advice and for taking the time to reply ... you are 100 per cent right and a know a need to sort things out and work through some stuff ... a had the first two scans done at a proper medical place called baby bond .. they are all across the uk and then the one tomorrow is the 12 week nhs scan done in a hospital so that’s one is if you would like a real deal one .. so may shed some light or help me maybe work out the dates or who’s it is.. wish full thinking but a guess a can cling to that until a know for sure

The current partner is not the nicest .. he never used to be like that as time has went on as we have been together a very long time

[AnnieBrooke]

Unless the cost is too prohibitive, I'd look into whether your ex can give a sample at a lab near where he is, for either Ravgen or the DDC. It rather sounds like your ex is the dad, to me.

[Flow90]

Had scan and I am 13 weeks and 2 days a know it doesn’t help me with who the dad is .. going off dates etc a thought it pointed to my current partner .. thank you so much for your reply’s and help

[AnnieBrooke]

Unfortunately, your second scan does no more than confuse the issue.

Embryos begin as one cell, and then divide into two, and then four, and then eight, and then 16 and 32, at a known rate. But after a while, some begin to grow faster and some grow slower and some continue to grow at the "average" rate. This means if using an ultrasound to try to determine paternity at 6 weeks, the margin for error is pretty small, perhaps it could be 1 day off. Because that possible divergence has not begun to really happen yet. But by 12 weeks, doctors will say that any estimate of a due date will be +/- 7 days. Your first ultrasound in your seventh week would therefore have perhaps had a one- or two-day margin for error. Your ultrasound in your 11th week would have had about a 6-day margin for error, meaning a due date based on it could be six days off either direction. The second ultrasound does not help you. Now if your third ultrasound tied in with either the second or the first, that would help you understand if perhaps the date from one was just a mistake. But in general I tell women to believe a 6th week over an 11th week ultrasound.

Do you have the money to do prenatal testing? I don't like to recommend to women that they be sneaky, I am for transparency in relationships (especially when you were broken up at the time, for heaven's sake). I also feel the truth will eventually come out no matter how much the woman wants to hide the problem. But if you are adamant that you cannot tell your boyfriend (not just that you think it would be inconvenient or embarrassing, but if you really have a material reason such as domestic violence), there is something called discreet testing that can be done with a guy's toothbrush or a swab from his drinking glass. This is done by one of the top labs, Ravgen. It all hinges on you having the money.

If you do prenatal testing, be sure to test with both guys. One will get a yes and the other will get a no, and their tests will back each other up. We have gotten a lot of posts here from women who only tested with the guy they didn't want to be the dad, and then they got a "no" for him, and then they became really nervous about lab error. Don't put yourself in that spot. You need to know, and it sounds like you need to know before you wind up lying to your boyfriend.

[Flow90]

Thank you for replying and for sharing your information and your advice .. my ex works in another country and a rarely have contact with him so a wouldn’t be able to get his dna ... and unfortunately a would have to be sneaky which is not ideal and a don’t want to be like that and have to lie .. until a do a test that would be the best thing .. sounds horrible and it’s eating me up inside .. we have a difficult family life .. violent in the past and we have two other kids and one is only a toddler ... I am in the uk so a don’t know much about these dna testing kits or what you have to do ... it seems like the only option as a can’t work the dad out going off just dates like a have said a really thought it was my current partners with hopefully conception on the 4th ... no one to blame but myself and a.m. stupid for letting it happen .. it’s not because am embarrassed or anything ... just don’t want to spoil the kids life they have at home

Thank you again for all your help

[Flow90]

A will let you know about the scan date on Tuesday and keep you up dated it may shed some light and actually help... a say this with wishful thinking
Thank you again x

[AnnieBrooke]

Definitely write back when you get the next scan. Unfortunately, unless you had a scan at a place that was in some way unreliable, I don't think it is going to say anything surprising or make the first one wrong.

The DNA labs Ravgen and (I am pretty sure) the DDC have relationships with labs all over the world who will collect the samples. You could go online and look into their methods and their setup.

Who would you have to be sneaky with, the ex or the boyfriend? When you say "We have a difficult family life," do you mean the ex or the boyfriend? If the relationship with the ex is bad and the relationship with the boyfriend is good, in your shoes I would consider just talking to him. He is going to want to know if you are pregnant by himself or a violent ex-boyfriend. This is not something you can ultimately hide anyway, and if you don't say anything until the baby comes and then find out that the baby is from the ex, he will certainly be angry that you hid the dilemma from him for the length of the pregnancy.  On the other hand, if the relationship with the present boyfriend is terrible, I think I'd advise you begin to plan an exit strategy.

[AnnieBrooke]

(By "exit strategy," I mean that if the relationship with the current boyfriend is terrible, it's probably time to think about you and the kids getting out of it no matter who the father of the next baby is.)

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, sweetheart, I think you are going to have to open your mouth. What kind of pickle will it put you in if you have to admit to the one guy that you had sex with the other?

The reason I say this is your first scan indicates the 8th, not the 4th, as conception date. As you can see, this means the ex has a good chance.

Would it blow up your world if you had to tell your current boyfriend that a DNA test is needed? Did you know you can do such testing before the baby comes? (At a cost.)

[Flow90]

It would destroy my whole world and would jus end my life ... thank you for answering the questions and giving me advice a really appreciate it a lot ... going off the second scan a had done at 11 weeks and it give me the due date of 25th of November does that mean it’s my current partner? A don’t get how with two scans it has said something different lol a know a will have to do the right thing

[Flow90]

If it helps a have a 27 day cycle and my last period was the 18th of feb .. just trying to work things out

[AnnieBrooke]

How early was the first ultrasound that gave you a due date?

[Flow90]

Hey the first scan said a was due 29th of November and a was only about 7 weeks and then had one at 11 weeks and they said the due date was 25th of November and a asked her when a would of conceived around he 4th ... a have another Scan this Tuesday .. a hope this helps you understand x

[AnnieBrooke]

Also, talk the issue over with your doctor, and say you need to assess when conception was, from the ultrasound only. The doctor should be able to give you an estimated due date (this is a calendar date) and you can use that in a conception calculator to count back.

[Flow90]

Thank you so much for getting back to me and giving me all the info .. yeah a have had two early scans so far.the last one a had was at 11 weeks . A have another scan this coming Tuesday ( in two days ) . my due date is the 25th of November 2018 ... just want to know who the dad is and work the dates out ... it’s pointing towards my current partner but don’t want to open my mouth until a know for sure ... so could you possibly help me with the dates ? A don’t think it could be the ex who a had sex with on the 7th but a just want to be sure .. thank you again a appreciate it x

[AnnieBrooke]

Have you been to a doctor and gotten an ultrasound yet? Don't worry that you don't know when your period came, it can be misleading to count forward from the last period anyway. What you should find out from your doctor is an estimated due date from the measurements of the embryo and its developmental markers as seen on the ultrasound. If your doc won't give you an ultrasound, find a new doc. Pay cash if you have to. If you get an early ultrasound (like, right now) you might be able to get some trustworthy medical indicator of when the baby was conceived. Don't wait, though. Get it this week. Ultrasounds get a wider and wider margin for error as the pregnancy progresses; by your 12th week there is a +/- 7 days margin for error, and that will not help you if you are trying to see if you got pregnant before March 7.