Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

DNA test what to do

Ok so my situation is kinda heartbreaking. I was with my ex for a year or so and we had a child together or so I though. We were never married but I wanted to do the right thing and I signed the birth certificate. As the child grew up I started to question if I was in fact the father. We have a mutual agreement on me paying monthly that’s not mandated by any courts. We both wanted to keep it out of the court system. Well almost 5 years later I take an at-home dna test from homedna and the results come back as me not being the father. I can’t begin to explain how bad this affects me, it’s hard to walk past the child’s room (stays primarily with mom) and it’s always on my mind. I don’t know what to do from this point. I have a lawyer working on removing my name from the birth certificate but as far as continuing to be in the child’s life. I resent the child’s mother so much that I don’t know if I can even handle myself anymore. The final straw before the tests were when I mentioned I wasn’t going to pay as much monthly anymore and she threatened to take me to court and I called her bluff and said let’s do it. She then back tracked saying we don’t need to do it that way, let’s keep what we have. Seems like all she wants is money.
2 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
134578 tn?1614729226
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'd do a different test before you do anything else. This is a serious situation, and you want to be certain you have the facts. (Your lawyer should have told you this also.) It sounds like your ex is acting just the way you'd think she would act if she had been hiding the truth from you (or was hiding her doubts), but be certain, first. I would suggest you use Ravgen, it's the best DNA testing company out there.

Then if the new DNA test comes out the same way, you have to decide what role you want to play in the life of the child. Do you love him or her? Does the child love you and count on you? (Or have you not been around the child that much anyway because of your doubts about paternity?) If you've been a regular in the child's life, it's not just about you and the mom any more. If the child loves you and you disappear, you will have a long-term very negative effect on his or her life.

My suggestions would be:
1) Test again to be sure your anger is accurate. If the first test was wrong and you are actually the biological dad, try to address how mad you were at the mom and let some of it go. Keep in mind, some women genuinely don't know who is the dad, rather than trying to fake out some poor schmo. It's a shame she didn't have the courage to tell you way back when that there might be a question, but this is the reality of right now. I would do another, and very reliable, DNA test before opening any of that can of worms.
2) Try to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with the child if the second test also shows you're not the biological dad. If you don't want any relationship with the child, you can
2a) talk to the lawyer about trying to get some of the support money back (it might not be easy since you signed the birth certificate, and she might not have any money).  
But
2b) if you do want to continue to have the relationship with the child, for the child's sake and or your sake, talk to a counselor, about how to make that happen. It won't be easy because you're so mad at the mom. But a 5-year-old's life is also going to be turned upside down by what you do, and in your shoes I would prioritize that before even your anger at the mom.

In fact, I'd talk to a counselor about all of it. You need to find a way to not feel ripped off, and a lawyer will be all about assuming you were ripped off. Do a re-test and then talk to a counselor, and decide what you want. Put a high priority on what's good for the child.  
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
Thanks for the honest answer, it really helps to hear things from a different perspective. I will go on and do a 2nd dna test and move on from there. The child and I do love each other I don’t want the fact that I know the situation to change how I feel about the child either but it’s so hard, I’m not sure I can handle the pain. I will also talk to a counselor like you mentioned.
When you talk to the counselor, talk about the pain. It's not coming from the child, it's presumably coming from feeling like having been lied to, initially and since then. And (if it was a lie -- re-check that test before you decide this for sure!) if a lie it really was, the lie was from the mother, not the child. It's not the child's fault.

It's possible that Ravgen will tell you the way to get the most accurate test is to test with all three of you. They have something called a "discreet" test, in which the person submits the other parent's sample having taken it from the edge of a drinking glass or a toothbrush. I don't know how far you want to take this secrecy in testing, but if you don't want the mother to know what you are suspecting (because you still might be wrong), you could ask the people at Ravgen about that option.

Again, if the child were a baby about to be born, I would not caution you so much to be careful, I'd instead say you should simply ask for a DNA test with the baby at birth. But there is a lot to be said for a child growing up happy, any child, whether it is my biological child or your biological child or someone else's. (A friend of mine says, "It's not who makes 'em, it's who takes em.") If your worst fears prove to be true, learning forbearance towards the mother will take a lot from you. (She at least would deserve the chance to explain whether she knew or not.) And if you continue to have a relationship with the child, it will take some work on her part not to be upset at the loss of financial support, which might seep out into her talking to the child in a way that makes you look bad. But these are problems to face later. A good counselor be your best help. Look for someone specializing in family therapy.

I'm sure sorry you're in this bind. Some people can't have children, and even with your pain over what the mom seems (at this point) to have done, they would be so happy to have a child to love that they would trade places with you in a nano. So try to unbind your heart and separate the anger at the mom from the love and the bond with the child.
134578 tn?1614729226
COMMUNITY LEADER
Checking back here. Did you do a re-test? What did you find out?
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the DNA / Paternity Community

Top Pregnancy Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
4769306 tn?1568490209
NC
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.