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Avatar universal

Figuring out the father of my baby

My due date is the 30th May 2020 I’m currently 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant , I have been with my boyfriend for years and we have sex regularly, always unprotected always cums in me.
I stupidly made one silly mistake and slept with someone on the 11th September, stupid mistake it was unprotected and he didn’t cum in me (I made sure he didn’t)   I’ve got so much anxiety that this baby might not be my boyfriends. I’ve used the ovulation calculators to predict when this baby was conceived and it thinks it was the 7th September. I have 31 day cycle, but I just can’t stop stressing that it might not be my boyfriends baby
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Avatar universal
I just don’t know how mr wrong could be the father, we didn’t have sex for long and he didn’t cum in me, cause I was scared. I just don’t know if the guilt is getting to me and making me feel anxious
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5 Comments
So, you think you could stand it for the next 22 weeks, and not get so anxious that it is harmful to you, the relationship or the pregnancy? If so, you could wait until the baby c0mes to do a DNA test.
Did you read the part above where I suggested you might do a "discreet" DNA test on your boyfriend with Ravgen? Depending on how stressed out you get from the guilt, it might be worth the big price of the testing. At least that way you would know for sure without having to say anything to your boyfriend, and you could stop stressing out. You could even have Mr. Wrong do a mouth swab at the same time and send it in, so you would be able to rule him out.

Here is the problem: sex being brief and the guy not ejaculating are not enough reason to rule him out -- women can and do get pregnant from sex in which guys don't ejaculate. Unfortunately the dates of estimated conception and the sex with Mr. Wrong are so close together that you have to leave the possibility on the table.  But the possibility is only a possibility. Mr. Wrong was a little too late, and as you said, did not ejaculate. If those facts are enough to carry you through with no stress, you should just test when the baby is born. (Tell your boyfriend the doctor suggests it for the baby's records when the couple is unmarried, to make the medical and legal record clear on paternity.)
I’m gonna speak to him and ask about the DNA for peace of mind for myself and the baby

Also I’ve worked out when I was fertile and 1st September until the 9th September and I would of ovulated on the 7th September
You're best off (if you don't want to admit what you did) to tell him you'd like to do the DNA test once the baby is born for legal reasons, and so it will be in the baby's medical record. He might figure that is not a worrisome reason to want it.
(In other words, if you say it is for the legalities, he might go "Right, yeah, legal security for the baby, part of being a dad, etc." and not "Wa-a-i-t-t a minute ... why would you want a DNA test?") In the same vein (but not the same conversation), you could also talk to him about both of you writing wills. It will take him to a legal/planning mindset that is important in a parent. (I'm not being fanciful here, either -- my stepniece died from complications of pulmonary embolism less than a day after her baby was born, and there were all kinds of subsequent complications about custody of the child: her parents fought him for custody. Every parent or parent-to-be should have a will naming custody, even if there is not any "estate.")

Try to have the conversation about the DNA test after a visit to the doctor, and be serious, but light. I'm guessing that (by a hair) the wrong guy isn't the dad, but you do really need this test to put the question to rest forever.

Good luck. I hope all your worries prove to be groundless.

134578 tn?1693250592
COMMUNITY LEADER
OK, well, that's helpful info but September 11 is not ruled out by it totally.

If your ultrasound had been in your sixth week or early seventh week, it would be more reliable to use to split the difference this finely on dates. But by the 8th week, due to variations in the growth rates of babies, doctors will say there is a two- or three-day margin for error when trying to use an ultrasound to date conception. The margin for error of +/- 3 days means that while an ultrasound could be spot-on for estimating when you conceived, it could also be off by that many days either way, if your baby is growing more quickly or slowly than the average. The time gap from the day your doc would have said you conceived (September 7) and the day of sex with Mr. Wrong being just four days, well, that's just not a commanding enough time gap to say for sure that sex with Mr. Wrong was out of the question to have produced the baby.

Some more questions to try to figure this out:

You've had unprotected sex for how long with your boyfriend and not gotten pregnant? Does Mr. Wrong have any children?

Have all subsequent ultrasounds measured the baby as at the same percentile in the growth charts, and have any later ultrasounds changed your due date?

How badly would it mess things up to tell your boyfriend that you made a mistake and had sex one time with someone else?

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6 Comments
About 3-4 months we was having unprotected sex for.
Mr wrong doesn’t have any children at all.

I went for 12 week scan and they said the 30th May would be my due date it hasn’t changed from the first scan

Also it would end the relationship if I was having someone else’s baby
Are you sure that the relationship would end if you had to admit to him that there is a possibility the baby might not be his, and that you should do a DNA test before the baby comes? Or would it only end if a test showed the baby is from the wrong guy?

If you are thinking about keeping quiet about this possibility for the next 22 weeks, what happens if you have major and constant stress from keeping it a secret?



And, how well fixed are you financially? There is a good DNA testing lab called Ravgen, and they can do what is called a "discreet test." The woman sends in a sample from the guy (his toothbrush or does a swab on a drinking glass), and a blood sample from herself (you get this drawn at a lab), and they will tell you if it is a match. This is very expensive, and can be stressful (sometimes there is not enough DNA on the toothbrush or swab, and she has to try again). But at least you would know. Ravgen is a good lab with a good reputation, not one of those fly-by-night outfits that advertises heavily on the Internet. It could be one way for you to learn in advance, so you could prepare.
I just don’t know how his reaction will be. He’s so excited about this baby and can’t wait and I just feel so guilty that this has happened.
I know I need to tell him it’s just having the guts to do it.
The reason to try to hide what happened is if you were CERTAIN the baby is his, and you would NEVER cheat again, plus you are SURE the relationship would end whether the baby is his or not if he learned you had that one night stand. It definitely sounds like you will never cheat on him again, but unfortunately, it's hard to be 100% certain the baby is his. It "sounds" like September 7 is an OK estimate, but it's just so close.  

Here is why you might tell him. 1) He deserves to know the status of your relationship with him (at least, as of 18 weeks ago). 2) The longer you don't tell him, the angrier he will be if when the baby comes, he learns he is not the dad, or even if he just learns later about the one-night stand whether or not he baby is his. Having had a one-night stand is one betrayal. Being silent about your concerns regarding paternity is 18 weeks of betrayal. Plus, if he is happy about becoming a dad, he will be more upset that you let him be so happy for every day of the pregnancy.

If you want to put it in a way that is the least lacerating to his ego and emotions, be sure to be clear with him that you had a one-night stand one time in the entire relationship, and that it was a terrible mistake and you regret it with all your heart. Say you only just figured out that there is a chance that the timing was such that a DNA test is a smart idea. Don't tell him details of the sexual event, they will just hurt him more. Do tell him that it is possible to get a prenatal DNA test (for a lot of money) or a DNA test after the baby comes for about a tenth of the cost. If you think he will be violent or even yell, maybe have a sane friend there.
It's 1:30 am here, and I need to knock off. Please don't hesitate to write back tomorrow if you need to talk it over.
Avatar universal
Sorry I meant 8 weeks and 5 days
The calendar date was the 24/10/2019  
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4 Comments
So, you looked at the ultrasound picture from October 24 just now and saw the notation "8w5d" on it?
I also should ask, were you having sex regularly with your boyfriend through this whole time? (In other words, is September 7 plausible given when you and he had sex?)
Yes it says 8 weeks and 5 days
Yes I was having regularly sex with my boyfriend before and he finished every time in me
Avatar universal
I had an early ultrasound at 9 weeks and they give me the due date of the 30th May.

Yes I asked prior is he said he didn’t ejaculated earlier that day, he didn’t have full erection and when having sex he told when he felt like he was going to cum so I jumped off and finished him off. I know the guy quite well but I didn’t think he could be the father cause of the dates of my date date, I have discussed it with him and he said he wants nothing to do with the baby so I would just he left on my own

No I haven’t told my boyfriend I feel so guilty that I’ve done this, it was one stupid mistake, I want to tell him but I know it would end badly, also I have thought about dna testing but an non invasive dna testing but it’s just having the guts to tell my boyfriend
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2 Comments
I thought I was 9 weeks and they said I was 8 weeks 4 days from my early ultrasound  
I'm glad you checked. When was the early ultrasound where they said you were 8 weeks 4 days? I mean, what calendar date was the ultrasound?
134578 tn?1693250592
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, sweetheart. Well, the difference between September 7 and September 11 is pretty small, so let's go over it all to be sure September 7 is reliable.

Did you have an early ultrasound (for example, in your seventh to ninth week, counted from the first day of your last period)? If so, what due date were you given at that ultrasound? A due date from that appointment would be based on the crown-to-rump measurement and other developmental markers of the baby, which is the best thing for a due date to be based on. (Not on a little cardboard wheel where the doc plugs in your last period.) If you had an early ultrasound, it should be pretty accurate. The baby can grow faster or slower and change in relation to the averages, but if the date came from an ultrasound in the early stages of pregnancy, that ultrasound-based due date is pretty accurate.

I assume you know that a guy pulling out is not a guarantee that the woman won't get pregnant. Do you know anything about whether Mr. Wrong ejaculated earlier in the day when you had sex? Because even getting an erection, there is pre-ejaculatory fluid that often comes oozing out, and although pre-ejaculatory fluid doesn't contain sperm, it can carry sperm from the urethra if any happens to be there hanging around. How well do you know the guy, and did you discuss the possibility that he might be the father? If so, was he able to remember if he had had an orgasm sometime in the hours before you and he had sex?

And, let's discuss contingencies, as well. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about the event, or is it something you are keeping secret unless you HAVE to tell him? If he knows, are you aware you can (for a high price) do a DNA test before the baby comes? What about the other guy? In a fair world, both guys and you would split the cost three ways, pay for a prenatal DNA test, and then make plans. Guys don't usually act like this but it would be nice if that could happen. What would you do if the baby turns out to be from Mr. Wrong, will you raise the baby in any case?

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