Aa
Help me with my who my babies father is.
Okay so here’s my situation. I found out I was pregnant on September 30th, 2018. My lmp was on August 25-28. At my first ultrasound appointment on October 23rd,2018 my baby measured at (crl) 7w3d. So I thought that meant my baby has been growing for 7 weeks & 3 days or that I conceived 7w3days ago. so I was sure that my boyfriend is the father because I had sex with him that 7w3d ago. But then I was reading that if my baby measured 7w3d that mean I conceived 5w3d ago. And on that would mean I conceived on sep 14th 2018. So the problem is I had sex with someone else on sep 13th.. he did not finish inside me but I know there is still a chance he could be the father. On sep 1-8 I had sex with my boyfriend on the 8th he finished inside me as well as the days before that.. & around 5-8 was around the time I should’ve been ovulating according to my app. I have 25-26 day cycles. I also can’t remember if we had sex any time after the 8th. My due date is June 8th. Please tell me there is a high chance of my bf being the father. I know dna is the only way to know for sure but this is really killing me.
COMMUNITY LEADER
OK, here is my assessment.
Because of your short cycles, even if you had sex with your boyfriend no later than the 8th, there is a chance that he is the dad. Your first ultrasound does not suggest this, if you stopped having sex with him after the 8th. But your second ultrasound suggested it to some extent. (Unfortunately, for this purpose, the seventh-week ultrasound is usually more accurate than the 11th/12th week ultrasounds, which doctors always caution can be a week off if used to try to date a pregnancy.) Is the baby a girl or a boy? If a girl, this gives your boyfriend a stronger chance. (But a boy doesn't mean the opposite.) Your boyfriend's chances to be the dad are stronger if the cramping on the 11th and the 12th was ovulation, but it might not be.
But, you don't even know if the 8th was really the cut-off point with your boyfriend. If you continued to have sex with him after the 8th, and sex was always unprotected, then he has at least an even chance of being the dad, or better because of sheer volume.
Nothing rules out the second guy. For one thing, the second guy is exactly on the right day according to your first ultrasound. If the first ultrasound is dead right, and if you stopped sleeping with your boyfriend on the 8th, then the second guy is more likely (by a long way) to be the dad.
Obviously, if you do find out in the end that the baby is not from your boyfriend, you have to reveal the truth to all parties. The question you're asking is, how do you find out without having to reveal the truth to your boyfriend, so if he is the dad, you can just go on with your lives and let sleeping dogs lie?
I should say that this level of secrecy is not a useful thing for your stress, and keeping the secret from him will make things worse in the long run if you do find out later that the baby is not from him. But you could probably concoct a story where you tell him that you were so sure, that you didn't think it was necessary to open a can of worms, but just lately you have realized there is a need to do a DNA test, and you know it's only fair to him, etc. etc. If you tell it to him as though you only figured things out recently and you nobly want to give him the chance to find out, maybe you can squeak through the long delay in telling him the truth. I would only suggest going through such a performance if a test you have already done says he is not the dad.
This is not something that can be kept secret forever. It would be desperately unfair to everyone if the wrong guy took on the duties of fatherhood unknowing that he's not the dad, and besides, with how common DNA tests are nowadays for fun, your child is very likely to do one some day to learn about distant cousins, etc. As I already said, when a lot of time goes by on this secret, it gets worse and worse for it to be discovered. The last person you want to be furious with you for ruining their sense of who they are, is your child. So if you are toying with never telling, only never tell if you test and find your boyfriend is the dad.
Because of your short cycles, even if you had sex with your boyfriend no later than the 8th, there is a chance that he is the dad. Your first ultrasound does not suggest this, if you stopped having sex with him after the 8th. But your second ultrasound suggested it to some extent. (Unfortunately, for this purpose, the seventh-week ultrasound is usually more accurate than the 11th/12th week ultrasounds, which doctors always caution can be a week off if used to try to date a pregnancy.) Is the baby a girl or a boy? If a girl, this gives your boyfriend a stronger chance. (But a boy doesn't mean the opposite.) Your boyfriend's chances to be the dad are stronger if the cramping on the 11th and the 12th was ovulation, but it might not be.
But, you don't even know if the 8th was really the cut-off point with your boyfriend. If you continued to have sex with him after the 8th, and sex was always unprotected, then he has at least an even chance of being the dad, or better because of sheer volume.
Nothing rules out the second guy. For one thing, the second guy is exactly on the right day according to your first ultrasound. If the first ultrasound is dead right, and if you stopped sleeping with your boyfriend on the 8th, then the second guy is more likely (by a long way) to be the dad.
Obviously, if you do find out in the end that the baby is not from your boyfriend, you have to reveal the truth to all parties. The question you're asking is, how do you find out without having to reveal the truth to your boyfriend, so if he is the dad, you can just go on with your lives and let sleeping dogs lie?
I should say that this level of secrecy is not a useful thing for your stress, and keeping the secret from him will make things worse in the long run if you do find out later that the baby is not from him. But you could probably concoct a story where you tell him that you were so sure, that you didn't think it was necessary to open a can of worms, but just lately you have realized there is a need to do a DNA test, and you know it's only fair to him, etc. etc. If you tell it to him as though you only figured things out recently and you nobly want to give him the chance to find out, maybe you can squeak through the long delay in telling him the truth. I would only suggest going through such a performance if a test you have already done says he is not the dad.
This is not something that can be kept secret forever. It would be desperately unfair to everyone if the wrong guy took on the duties of fatherhood unknowing that he's not the dad, and besides, with how common DNA tests are nowadays for fun, your child is very likely to do one some day to learn about distant cousins, etc. As I already said, when a lot of time goes by on this secret, it gets worse and worse for it to be discovered. The last person you want to be furious with you for ruining their sense of who they are, is your child. So if you are toying with never telling, only never tell if you test and find your boyfriend is the dad.
1 Comments
See above about where to do a discreet test. Ravgen is a very good lab.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Another couple of questions:
Does your boyfriend know there is a chance he might not be the dad? (Or are you keeping it a secret, and if so, no wonder it's 'killing' you.)
Does the other guy know there is at least a chance he is the father?
Where will you be if DNA testing does show the wrong guy is the dad? Does survival seem to hinge on this (such as, your boyfriend will leave you and you won't have any money, etc.) or are you OK in either case? Would the other guy step up in terms of support?
A lot of times, survival fears are what is behind ultra stress in not knowing who the dad is. If you have a good job and can take care of yourself in either case, you're way ahead of the game there.
Does your boyfriend know there is a chance he might not be the dad? (Or are you keeping it a secret, and if so, no wonder it's 'killing' you.)
Does the other guy know there is at least a chance he is the father?
Where will you be if DNA testing does show the wrong guy is the dad? Does survival seem to hinge on this (such as, your boyfriend will leave you and you won't have any money, etc.) or are you OK in either case? Would the other guy step up in terms of support?
A lot of times, survival fears are what is behind ultra stress in not knowing who the dad is. If you have a good job and can take care of yourself in either case, you're way ahead of the game there.
6 Comments
My boyfriend does not not know that he might not be the dad. I was sure that he was since I found out. I’m just so confused about my due date & my cycle information, and the other guy knows I found out 2 weeks after sleeping with him but I told him he isn’t the dad & haven’t talked to him since. And my bf has bought everything for her. He loves our baby a lot & and it would break his heart if I told him there’s a chance it could be someone else’s . And I do not have a job but I do have my family
There is something called "discreet testing," where the woman sends in her boyfriend's toothbrush to the DNA lab, and a swab from the baby and herself, and she can get an answer without having to tip off the boyfriend to the situation. But if you don't have the money, that probably isn't going to help you. Does anyone in your family know that there is the possibility the baby is not from your boyfriend? (Someone who would not be judgemental?)
(Please answer the one above where I asked you about ovulation cramping. Do you get it? In short, can you sort of tell when you ovulate? I'm trying to assess the necessity to tell your boyfriend or not.)
-I need to leave now, will be back online in about 2 hours.-
Do you know where I can do that and how much it would be? And yes I have told my my mom
I know that the top prenatal-DNA test lab in the country does discreet testing, that lab is called Ravgen. It is quite expensive if you do the test before the baby is born, but if you wanted to do a toothbrush, a swab for you and a swab for the baby (after the baby comes, obviously) it might not be anywhere near as costly. You would have to call and ask them.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Some questions:
When did you get the due date of June 8? Was it given to you at the first ultrasound when they told you that your pregnancy was in its 7th week?
The sex on September 13 was unprotected?
You really can't remember if you had sex with your boyfriend after September 8?
The problem with your seventh-week ultrasound information is that it isn't consistent with a person who has 25-26 day cycles. If they gave you the due date of June 8 then, and it was based on the crown-to-rump measurement of the baby, your cycle would have been behaving more like a 28-day cycle. Is it possible that you aren't always having a period every 25 days, and that it varies? Or did they not give you the due date at that first appointment?
When did you get the due date of June 8? Was it given to you at the first ultrasound when they told you that your pregnancy was in its 7th week?
The sex on September 13 was unprotected?
You really can't remember if you had sex with your boyfriend after September 8?
The problem with your seventh-week ultrasound information is that it isn't consistent with a person who has 25-26 day cycles. If they gave you the due date of June 8 then, and it was based on the crown-to-rump measurement of the baby, your cycle would have been behaving more like a 28-day cycle. Is it possible that you aren't always having a period every 25 days, and that it varies? Or did they not give you the due date at that first appointment?
5 Comments
Yes I got the due date of June 8th at my first ultrasound appointment and yes 7 weeks 3 days. The sex on the 13th was unprotected. There’s a big chance I did have sex with my bf after September 8th but I can’t remember for sure. And nope my cycle is always 25-27 days it’s always short.
Do you ever get ovulation cramping? From your cycles, you should have ovulated around the 7th or 8th, which of course is good news on the bf=daddy front, but it really sounds from your baby's measurements (which are pretty hard to refute) that you ovulated around a week later. That would be kind of late for someone with short cycles. Have you had a lot of other ultrasounds that all tied in with the June 8 estimated due date?
Yes another thing is, on the 7th of September I had got drunk with my friend, the next day which was the 8th I had a terrible hang over I couldn’t eat and even the 9th I still felt terrible. That has never happened before I don’t ever get hangovers but that one seemed to lash 2 days and I never felt like that before. Also around the 10th I had lots of cramping. I’m not sure if this makes any difference. But at my second appointment my crl should’ve measured at 11w3d cause that’s what I was according to my first ultrasound but it was at 12w2d. But they did not change my dude date and it was also an abdominal ultrasound. I had another at 22 weeks and they said they would keep my due date the same.
I also had lots of cramping the 11th & 12th.
Well, hangovers are not a pregnancy signal, but cramping is helpful.
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