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I don’t know who the father is. Please help me paternity testing.
Ok guys. This is a long story so bear with me.
I am not sure who the father of my unborn child is and I was wondering if someone more insightful or knowledgeable about conception, etc. could help me with at least a little bit of peace of mind.
I slept with 2 different men. The first one being the morning of September 25th, protected with a condom, no rips or leaks that I know of. He says he doesn’t remember any holes when he took it off. He just remembers seeing his sperm in it.
The second man I had unprotected sex with (he also ejaculated inside me) on the night of September 30th.
Fast forward to October 14th, I got some positive pregnancy tests. The only details I can give you are I think the first day of my last period was either September 15-16, my OBGYN thinks I ovulated around September 29th, and my predicted due date is June 22, 2021. while I very much want this baby, I am terrified of going through this pregnancy without knowing who the father is and who to tell that I’m pregnant. I don’t want to ask anyone to raise a child they didn’t create.
Now, with all of this being said, so many things point to the second guy being the dad. I even took a $1700 non-invasive prenatal paternity test with DNA Diagnostics center and he came back as 99.9% probably as the biological father. But these tests have some bad reviews about false positives. I know the other guy used a condom, but it was still within my *predicted* fertile days and I know condoms can fail. I’m suspicious because the day I had sex with the second man was a day after when my doctor said I probably ovulated.
Please don’t judge me, I just need some opinions. Has anyone used DDC before? Is it possible the condom broke and we didn’t know it? Am I being paranoid over nothing after everything kind of points to the second guy as being the dad?
I am not sure who the father of my unborn child is and I was wondering if someone more insightful or knowledgeable about conception, etc. could help me with at least a little bit of peace of mind.
I slept with 2 different men. The first one being the morning of September 25th, protected with a condom, no rips or leaks that I know of. He says he doesn’t remember any holes when he took it off. He just remembers seeing his sperm in it.
The second man I had unprotected sex with (he also ejaculated inside me) on the night of September 30th.
Fast forward to October 14th, I got some positive pregnancy tests. The only details I can give you are I think the first day of my last period was either September 15-16, my OBGYN thinks I ovulated around September 29th, and my predicted due date is June 22, 2021. while I very much want this baby, I am terrified of going through this pregnancy without knowing who the father is and who to tell that I’m pregnant. I don’t want to ask anyone to raise a child they didn’t create.
Now, with all of this being said, so many things point to the second guy being the dad. I even took a $1700 non-invasive prenatal paternity test with DNA Diagnostics center and he came back as 99.9% probably as the biological father. But these tests have some bad reviews about false positives. I know the other guy used a condom, but it was still within my *predicted* fertile days and I know condoms can fail. I’m suspicious because the day I had sex with the second man was a day after when my doctor said I probably ovulated.
Please don’t judge me, I just need some opinions. Has anyone used DDC before? Is it possible the condom broke and we didn’t know it? Am I being paranoid over nothing after everything kind of points to the second guy as being the dad?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, yeah, you're being at least a little paranoid. I haven't heard much about the DDC being wrong. There is some stuff floating around on the web, but mostly it's just old impossible-to-confirm stuff. Some might be written by trolls and some might be legitimate for other reasons than lab mistakes (such as, someone sent his buddy in to do the DNA test in his place), and maybe one or two stories are right but those I've seen are pretty old. The DDC does a huge number of DNA tests a year, and if it was wrong even one in a thousand times, you'd see a lot of chat about that online. Instead you see a person writing their story, and lots of people repeating the story and embroidering on it and telling about their fears. Gossip motivated by fear is not more accurate than a lab test; and you had a real lab test from a legitimate lab.
Regarding pinpointing the conception to the day after you ovulated and you feel this is somehow a big problem, first of all, your ob/gyn doesn't know the exact day when you ovulated. He or she was adding a standard 14 days to the date when your period began. This is an average, it was not a date whispered into the doctor's ear by the Lord who knows all things including the details of your personal ovulation cycle.
You also imply that if you ovulated on the 29th, this rules out sex on the 30th as producing the pregnancy. It doesn't. The egg can last floating around in your body for 24-36 hours, still viable, before being impregnated by a sperm. So, even if it had been out of the ovary and floating down your tubes to the uterus for a day before sex on the 30th, getting pregnant then is a total possibility.
I don't know what to tell you about your anxiety except that it's pretty common for women who only test with one of the two men to freak out. They think the expensive prenatal DNA test will solve all their problems (and I'd say it did, in your case). But then they start obsessing and saying "what if? what if? what if?" Psychiatrists call this excessive rumination, and it's a bad idea to ever do it to yourself.
If you think it will stop you from doing this, get another DNA test with the other guy. (Incidentally, why *didn't* you test with both men? One guy's test would have confirmed the other's and maybe you wouldn't be doing this to yourself now.) Anyway, consider testing again if you think you won't just keep going "what if the test is --- WRONG?!?!?!" if you have two results that confirm each other, just the same way you're doing now. Or, get sensible and realize you got a 99.9% answer from one of the two best labs in the world for prenatal DNA testing, and calm down. I don't see your result as being wrong.
Regarding pinpointing the conception to the day after you ovulated and you feel this is somehow a big problem, first of all, your ob/gyn doesn't know the exact day when you ovulated. He or she was adding a standard 14 days to the date when your period began. This is an average, it was not a date whispered into the doctor's ear by the Lord who knows all things including the details of your personal ovulation cycle.
You also imply that if you ovulated on the 29th, this rules out sex on the 30th as producing the pregnancy. It doesn't. The egg can last floating around in your body for 24-36 hours, still viable, before being impregnated by a sperm. So, even if it had been out of the ovary and floating down your tubes to the uterus for a day before sex on the 30th, getting pregnant then is a total possibility.
I don't know what to tell you about your anxiety except that it's pretty common for women who only test with one of the two men to freak out. They think the expensive prenatal DNA test will solve all their problems (and I'd say it did, in your case). But then they start obsessing and saying "what if? what if? what if?" Psychiatrists call this excessive rumination, and it's a bad idea to ever do it to yourself.
If you think it will stop you from doing this, get another DNA test with the other guy. (Incidentally, why *didn't* you test with both men? One guy's test would have confirmed the other's and maybe you wouldn't be doing this to yourself now.) Anyway, consider testing again if you think you won't just keep going "what if the test is --- WRONG?!?!?!" if you have two results that confirm each other, just the same way you're doing now. Or, get sensible and realize you got a 99.9% answer from one of the two best labs in the world for prenatal DNA testing, and calm down. I don't see your result as being wrong.
21 Comments
I appreciate your detailed reply so much. I have generalized anxiety so this situation is just something I never expected in my life and it’s eating away at me. I’m happy that it’s probably the second guy because he would be a good father, just let me nerves get the best of me.
You can probably think up a hundred fears every day, but that doesn't make any of them true. Basically, don't make things up and then panic over them. It doesn't do you any good.
Have you had an ultrasound yet? If so, what due date did they give you from the measurements of the embryo? That will probably back up the results of the DNA test.
Have you had an ultrasound yet? If so, what due date did they give you from the measurements of the embryo? That will probably back up the results of the DNA test.
June 22! Which places ovulation on the 29th right?
Yes, if it came from an early ultrasound. When was the ultrasound that produced this date?
Right at around 8 weeks or so :( I hope it isn’t other guys
I might do another test through ravgen
From your ultrasound, if you had not had a DNA test I'd be saying that it looks like the second guy's baby and to go through your pregnancy assuming so, and just to test when the baby is born.
But since you had a DNA test from the DDC, I'll say of course it's the second guy's baby and to stop inventing worries that have zero basis in fact.
Only go through the expense and hassle of another prenatal DNA test if you are absolutely sure you'll believe it. You don't want to spend all that money just to get to the same place you are now. You haven't said why you didn't test both guys when you tested before. Is there some reason you can't tell the other guy there is a need to test? Because if you just test again with the same guy, it's as likely you'll believe the result as it was already.
I assume you know you will need to do a DNA test to legally establish paternity, once the baby is born? The baby has rights to the father, and that is how you establish them. Post-natal tests are much simpler (and way cheaper) than pre-natal tests, and you can all do the swabs right at the hospital.
The problem you have now is not one of knowing who the father is, it's that you're doing all this hand-wringing over made-up worries, like you're wallowing in fear almost for entertainment purposes. Do it if you have to, but keep it to yourself. Presumably you are the person in charge of giving the news to the father... the way you're talking, you're likely to transmit to the guy (who got the 99.9% positive match from a top lab) that the test can't be believed. Can you not stop doing this? It will do nobody any good. Maybe it's time to talk to your therapist or counselor, not to do more tests.
But since you had a DNA test from the DDC, I'll say of course it's the second guy's baby and to stop inventing worries that have zero basis in fact.
Only go through the expense and hassle of another prenatal DNA test if you are absolutely sure you'll believe it. You don't want to spend all that money just to get to the same place you are now. You haven't said why you didn't test both guys when you tested before. Is there some reason you can't tell the other guy there is a need to test? Because if you just test again with the same guy, it's as likely you'll believe the result as it was already.
I assume you know you will need to do a DNA test to legally establish paternity, once the baby is born? The baby has rights to the father, and that is how you establish them. Post-natal tests are much simpler (and way cheaper) than pre-natal tests, and you can all do the swabs right at the hospital.
The problem you have now is not one of knowing who the father is, it's that you're doing all this hand-wringing over made-up worries, like you're wallowing in fear almost for entertainment purposes. Do it if you have to, but keep it to yourself. Presumably you are the person in charge of giving the news to the father... the way you're talking, you're likely to transmit to the guy (who got the 99.9% positive match from a top lab) that the test can't be believed. Can you not stop doing this? It will do nobody any good. Maybe it's time to talk to your therapist or counselor, not to do more tests.
I didn’t test the other guy because I asked him to test with us and he stopped talking to me. So this situation is way more stressful because of that. The second guy knows and is happy about it and I didn’t tell him the test could be wrong.
Also? Why would I be doing this for entertainment? Seriously?
And I don’t see how the ultrasound could pinpoint the first guy when it just dated back to the first day of your last period
Glad you didn't hint to the second guy that the test could be wrong. Very smart to keep your irrational concerns to yourself. Also, the first guy is stupid if he thinks he wouldn't have to test if he merely stops talking to you. The courts would make him test if there was a real question. (But there isn't, so you won't have to argue with him or deal with him again. Lucky him, the jerk.)
OK, about how the ultrasound can help identify the second guy as dad -- The due date you received from the ultrasound, unlike one based on the first day of the last period that a doc can compute in the office with a little cardboard wheel, is based on the actual crown-to-rump size of the embryo and its other developmental markers, as seen and measured directly from the baby. This is why I asked for a due date that is based on the ultrasound reading. It's not "just dated back to the first day of your last period." They would throw away the information of when your last period began if it didn't match, and go with what the ultrasound said. That's what makes early ultrasounds useful for trying to determine when the baby was conceived.
Over time, as the pregnancy progresses, ultrasounds get less useful for this purpose because some babies grow more slowly and some grow more rapidly than average. (By the time you are at your 40th week, trying to use the size of the baby as measured by ultrasound to estimate when conception happened can be off by +/- 3 weeks!) But not at 8 weeks GA. At that point the embryo hasn't been around long enough to get very far off the average. Most doctors say that at 8 weeks, the margin for error is only about +/- 2 or 3 days.
The ultrasound alone wouldn't totally rule out the first guy because of that margin for error, but it would still be pretty suggestive of the second guy even without a lab test from one of the two best DNA labs around naming him, plus of course the condom use with the first guy.
Regarding my remark about you seeming to be wallowing in worry for reasons of your own -- some women prefer to continue to worry instead of having the question answered because the anxiety is still there, and it does get in a way like a game. They write in under different aliases and ask again. They make up scenarios in which a full period was not a period. Etc. It's not entertaining in a fun way, but like the emotional "games people play." In your case, you wrote, I answered, you were appreciative of the answer, you acted like you were now not so worried. (Plus, DNA test, plus condom. You have real evidence.)
Then after all that, you came back and said "I might do another test through Ravgen." That makes it seem like you aren't letting your medical evidence penetrate in order to just keep asking. Lots of women do this, the continual asking for reassurance, getting it, and then asking for it again. Appeasing one's feelings of anxiety starts to be more important than the answer to the question. As a volunteer with limited time, I don't play along, or say "Oh, you poor dear, tell me more," or anything like that. Instead I say, address the real cause of your anxiety.
That's why I suggested running this by the counselor. Women who let paternity worries stay with them their whole pregnancy despite evidence, will sometimes write back after the baby comes and say they ruined their entire pregnancy worrying about nothing. Let the anxiety over paternity be sourced correctly to real things you are anxious about (and it isn't paternity, or the DNA test would have stopped the worry). If you're deep-down anxious about something more existential but amorphous (survival, support, the desire for perfectionism, being pregnant and unmarried, or something else -- concerns any woman would have during pregnancy that are hard to address), it's quite easy for the brain to assign that anxiety to a ruminating loop over a question that isn't as hard, like paternity. But if you do some work on the things that are really bothering you, the worries about paternity will fade away.
Take care, you're the lucky one. Just read the posts women write on this site about infertility if you don't believe me. They would ALL trade places with you in a nanosecond even if they never found out who the dad is. And, congratulations on your upcoming child! You really are the lucky one.
Annie
OK, about how the ultrasound can help identify the second guy as dad -- The due date you received from the ultrasound, unlike one based on the first day of the last period that a doc can compute in the office with a little cardboard wheel, is based on the actual crown-to-rump size of the embryo and its other developmental markers, as seen and measured directly from the baby. This is why I asked for a due date that is based on the ultrasound reading. It's not "just dated back to the first day of your last period." They would throw away the information of when your last period began if it didn't match, and go with what the ultrasound said. That's what makes early ultrasounds useful for trying to determine when the baby was conceived.
Over time, as the pregnancy progresses, ultrasounds get less useful for this purpose because some babies grow more slowly and some grow more rapidly than average. (By the time you are at your 40th week, trying to use the size of the baby as measured by ultrasound to estimate when conception happened can be off by +/- 3 weeks!) But not at 8 weeks GA. At that point the embryo hasn't been around long enough to get very far off the average. Most doctors say that at 8 weeks, the margin for error is only about +/- 2 or 3 days.
The ultrasound alone wouldn't totally rule out the first guy because of that margin for error, but it would still be pretty suggestive of the second guy even without a lab test from one of the two best DNA labs around naming him, plus of course the condom use with the first guy.
Regarding my remark about you seeming to be wallowing in worry for reasons of your own -- some women prefer to continue to worry instead of having the question answered because the anxiety is still there, and it does get in a way like a game. They write in under different aliases and ask again. They make up scenarios in which a full period was not a period. Etc. It's not entertaining in a fun way, but like the emotional "games people play." In your case, you wrote, I answered, you were appreciative of the answer, you acted like you were now not so worried. (Plus, DNA test, plus condom. You have real evidence.)
Then after all that, you came back and said "I might do another test through Ravgen." That makes it seem like you aren't letting your medical evidence penetrate in order to just keep asking. Lots of women do this, the continual asking for reassurance, getting it, and then asking for it again. Appeasing one's feelings of anxiety starts to be more important than the answer to the question. As a volunteer with limited time, I don't play along, or say "Oh, you poor dear, tell me more," or anything like that. Instead I say, address the real cause of your anxiety.
That's why I suggested running this by the counselor. Women who let paternity worries stay with them their whole pregnancy despite evidence, will sometimes write back after the baby comes and say they ruined their entire pregnancy worrying about nothing. Let the anxiety over paternity be sourced correctly to real things you are anxious about (and it isn't paternity, or the DNA test would have stopped the worry). If you're deep-down anxious about something more existential but amorphous (survival, support, the desire for perfectionism, being pregnant and unmarried, or something else -- concerns any woman would have during pregnancy that are hard to address), it's quite easy for the brain to assign that anxiety to a ruminating loop over a question that isn't as hard, like paternity. But if you do some work on the things that are really bothering you, the worries about paternity will fade away.
Take care, you're the lucky one. Just read the posts women write on this site about infertility if you don't believe me. They would ALL trade places with you in a nanosecond even if they never found out who the dad is. And, congratulations on your upcoming child! You really are the lucky one.
Annie
To be sure you understand what I meant about the relationship of an ultrasound-dated embryo and the date of the last period:
You said you didn't see how the ultrasound could help rule out one guy or the other when it "just dated back to the first day of your last period."
But an ultrasound measuring the embryo doesn't just put the first day of your last period in there and begin the count. (For example, if someone has super irregular periods and only gets one about every six months, the ultrasound t wouldn't assume she was six months pregnant if the baby was still an embryo.) The computer in the ultrasound looks at the embryo's measurements, decides by its database how far along an embryo is that has those measurements, and dates the start of the GA count back two weeks from there, to begin the "weeks" count.
If that date doesn't match the actual first day of the woman's last period (especially if it's a lot off) the doctor would use the count the ultrasound came up with, not her report of when her last period was. A woman can certainly ovulate without it being two weeks after a period.
If the date the ultrasound gave as the start of the gestational age count is the same date as your actual first day of your last period, that just means your cycles are regular and your last period came about the same time before conception as most women's do. It doesn't mean that the ultrasound put your actual first day of your last period into the record in preference to the date that came from measuring the embryo.
You said you didn't see how the ultrasound could help rule out one guy or the other when it "just dated back to the first day of your last period."
But an ultrasound measuring the embryo doesn't just put the first day of your last period in there and begin the count. (For example, if someone has super irregular periods and only gets one about every six months, the ultrasound t wouldn't assume she was six months pregnant if the baby was still an embryo.) The computer in the ultrasound looks at the embryo's measurements, decides by its database how far along an embryo is that has those measurements, and dates the start of the GA count back two weeks from there, to begin the "weeks" count.
If that date doesn't match the actual first day of the woman's last period (especially if it's a lot off) the doctor would use the count the ultrasound came up with, not her report of when her last period was. A woman can certainly ovulate without it being two weeks after a period.
If the date the ultrasound gave as the start of the gestational age count is the same date as your actual first day of your last period, that just means your cycles are regular and your last period came about the same time before conception as most women's do. It doesn't mean that the ultrasound put your actual first day of your last period into the record in preference to the date that came from measuring the embryo.
Okay. Thank you so much. I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. So the due date being June 22 would put me at ovulating on the 29th assuming I’m regular, but was still the day before intercourse with the second man. But I’ll just assume I ovulated late or the egg stuck around. I wonder if I would have measured any different had the condom encounter from the 25th got me pregnant? It’s all so confusing
Well, even an early ultrasound can't split the difference between two men in 5 days for totally sure, even if it was the earliest possible ultrasound in which the embryo can be seen. But it's a waste of time to speculate anyway because you had a DNA test, which blows all of this out the window and makes wondering about any of it pretty much a waste of emotional energy. Show the second guy the test, the 99.9% number is pretty absolute. Get the (swab based and much cheaper) DNA test for legally determining paternity with him at the hospital when the baby is born, for the serious legal reason that you want it to be in the baby's medical records that he is the father. In the meantime, work with a counselor to figure out what's behind all the over-ruminating, and get your plans set to be a great pair of co-parents.
Is it possible to get a pretty strong like on a pregnancy test 14 days after ovulation?
If you use an early-results test, you should get a positive on or before your next missed period. It depends on the sensitivity of the test.
I got a pretty solid line on a few tests October 30th and that’s the only thing worrying me about the possibility of #2 not being the dad. But I’ve also seen a lot of girls get lines at like 13 DPO
I mean October 14th *
The solidity of a line on a pee test is no reason to discount a DNA test.
Also, have you not checked out DDC’s reviews on TrustPilot? There’s several newer reports of false results and angry women
If the DDC consistently had the problem of false results, they would be subject to lawsuit after lawsuit and would be out of business in short order. Their rating on TrustPilot is actually good, 4.3 out of 5, with most of the complaints that keep the rating from being 5 our of 5 being about customer service and long waits, not about wrong results. (One woman gave them a low rating because she was angry about a DNA test done on her dog.)
Also, you never know what is behind someone's anecdotal story, either. A woman might be typing an angry and indignant letter to the DDC with her boyfriend watching, although she did sleep with someone else, to look innocent. Or, (this almost never happens, it would be a very rare case), the guy is a chimera and the genetic material in his mouth where he was swabbed doesn't match the genetic material elsewhere in his body. Or, someone has managed to fake the test. (Once a woman wrote to me that she had used her father's swab instead of her boyfriend's, and her own swab in place of the baby's, to convince her boyfriend that he was the father.) You simply have no way to assess the validity of the stories people are telling when they make a complaint on a website. These assertions are not investigated by doctors and the FDA and certified as true.
What I will repeat is that the DDC processes thousands of DNA tests every year. If the problem you are worried about (false positive) arose a lot, you would be finding evidence of it in the media and reports of lawsuits. Stop worrying, you did get a clear answer and the DDC is a legitimate lab. Test with a post-natal test when the baby comes, for legal reasons. Then go on with your life.
Also, you never know what is behind someone's anecdotal story, either. A woman might be typing an angry and indignant letter to the DDC with her boyfriend watching, although she did sleep with someone else, to look innocent. Or, (this almost never happens, it would be a very rare case), the guy is a chimera and the genetic material in his mouth where he was swabbed doesn't match the genetic material elsewhere in his body. Or, someone has managed to fake the test. (Once a woman wrote to me that she had used her father's swab instead of her boyfriend's, and her own swab in place of the baby's, to convince her boyfriend that he was the father.) You simply have no way to assess the validity of the stories people are telling when they make a complaint on a website. These assertions are not investigated by doctors and the FDA and certified as true.
What I will repeat is that the DDC processes thousands of DNA tests every year. If the problem you are worried about (false positive) arose a lot, you would be finding evidence of it in the media and reports of lawsuits. Stop worrying, you did get a clear answer and the DDC is a legitimate lab. Test with a post-natal test when the baby comes, for legal reasons. Then go on with your life.
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