Depressed and desperate for answers

[extremely_depressed]

I am suffering from depression for a secret I have kept, and I can't seem to cope with it. It is embarassing but I need help.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as others have thought this has been the root cause of my issue.

First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. A couple therapists I have talked to said that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset, and still unable to fully believe them. My BIGGEST concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a young girl. But is 12 even considered a child? Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)

[ImightbeOK]

Nietzsche ones said: "If you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you". Stop gazing into the abyss, you did nothing wrong. You are over thinking the incident. You are a bright person (I am sure :) ) and this incident doesn't define you in any way.  

[Cantgetpreggo]

Past regrets can really hinder your ability to heal from depression or a traumatic experience.  Please do not keep beating yourself up with this memory.  I know personally how being regretful can really send you into a deep depression and keep you there!  I am a devoted Christian, and I know Satan likes to keep us down this way.  So, when you are having a negative thought about your incident, immediately replace it with a positive affirmation about yourself specifically about the exact memory.  Say it out loud or write it somewhere where you will see it daily until the depression starts to lift. Depressive people have to learn how to encourage themselves!  It's very helpful!

[deni813]

honey you did NOTHING wrong.......billions of people have cats- it doesn't matter if they are male or female they have woke up with a cat purring on there genial area or even awake....The feeling may be quite surprising yet injoyable...>NO IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ANIMAL !!!!!  it was only a feeling and exspecially at 12 your still learing about your sexuality.  They make "toys" for a reason --im not going to get graphic on here but things that vibrate or move is a perfect normal feeling .     Please I beg you do not over think this and don't worry.  You have done nothing wrong-  just remember how much you love your animal and leave it at that.  Maybe you could talk with your dr about what is it that scared you too-- possibly the feelings your having/had with comming into sexuality and learning different things....best wishes to you and smile, see everyone on here does not think it was wrong :)

[david341]

Hi... I read your entry and all the replies. I would like to say that I agree with what folks are telling you. I dont believe you did anything wrong, nor do I think your a disgusting person. You did not harm the cat, it was just something bizaar that MOST kids do during that time in life.
I did many things during my puberty that trust me, Jerry Springer would LOVE to know..
Move on, consider it something in your past that was just bizaar.. and move forward.
Best of Luck...

[1margy1]

Hi,
all kids do weird things when they are discovering their bodies.....the problem is not what you did, but how you are thinking about it.  I'm sure the cat didnt care, and you didnt hurt anyone......it was normal!!!   Put it behind you....
Please dont think I am making light of your dpression, I have had depression since I was 16, I am now 47.  I think you need to speak to someone about this though..to help you to realise that what you did was really nothing.  

[extremely_depressed]

Thanks for your advice, it really is appreciated.

I would like to let you know that I have been on venlafaxine since May, and 150mg since about September. Is it possible that this medication is not working for me. Also, I cannot understand that when I was cuddling with my cat why I was turned on. Is this normal for kids who are discovering their sexuality

[Ashish Mittal, MD]

Dear extremely_depressed,

Thanks for your query.

I would like to thank you for such a good description of your current suffering. From your detail history, it is clear that you have symptoms of depression which need immediate attention.

I would first like to re-emphasize that even if your friends or your boyfriend knew, they would accept you unconditionally because they love you the way you are right now and would not judge you based on your actions in the past. So first of all, you’re not a fraud and a disgusting person. Everybody does some things which they are not particularly proud of but they are not things that you need to be ashamed of for the rest of your life. Consider it as a part of your past and move on with your life. Having a healthy tomorrow is much more important than living in the past.

You’re definitely overreacting. This is not the kind of issue you need to be worrying about. The age of 12 is considered as a part of the pre-teenage age group and people this age usually do try and explore their sexuality.

There is nothing that you need to be concerned about except your present and your future. Nobody can ever know unless you choose to tell them yourself. Further, if they truly love you, they would accept you unconditionally, no matter what you told them

Following measures will help you:
•     Remember that your situation is transient and will solve in few weeks if you follow my advice
•     Ask help from friends and family members; do not feel hesitate in doing so.
•     Make a structured daily routine so that you can save time for yourself, for friends and for important activities
•     Eat adequate food, fruits and drink juice. Totally avoid using alcohol
•     Do not take much stress at workplace.
•     Talk frequently with friends and family members
•     Most importantly, visit a psychiatrist so that he can counsel you and prescribe medicine for depression. Extremely effective therapy is now available for depression.  People life changes within weeks of treatment.

Hope that this information helps and hope that you will get better soon.

Thank you for using MedHelp's "Ask an Expert" Service, where we feature some of world's renowned medical experts in their fields. Millions have benefitted from our service to get personalized advice for them and for their loved ones.

Best Regards,
Dr. Ashish Mittal