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Medication

Hi.
My question concerns the long-term effects of having taken excess medication previously.
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242532 tn?1269550379
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
You bring up what I consider to be the most important single issue in mental health, and that is the idea of being damaged. You ask re physical damage, but that is not the issue..its emotionally damaged, which means stuck, and more important, means permanently defeated.  When you think this way, you lose confidence in your abiltiy to take care of your life, and can't imagine being a competent adult.  All you can get out of life is reparations for the damage..i.e. others doing or taking care of you, and in your case, the sick role enables and justifies that position.  I urge you to think of yourself as not damaged even though you have been hurt; and to think of how you can make yourself work outside the nomenclature of mental health....you are not permanently damaged, but can appear that way to yourself and others as long as you don't do what is necessary to make your life work...with full responsibiltiy and acknowlegement that you are the one and you can do it, and it is your choice....that's the foundation freedom tha should be the insight you need to open up a healthy pathway for yourself.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
I was interrupted earlier by my brother who said he had to use the internet (he had to check his bank statement).
I find him and his attitude frustrating.  (And vice versa).  I guess I feel subservient to him.  Once when I was unwell he kept winding me up and refused to give me space.  I threatened him with a knife and although I would never touch him I expect it did make him feel insecure (unsafe and threatened).
On some level I feel overwhelmed by my own negative emotions and behaviors and the hurt I've caused others.  I hate him for being such a ***** and being so insensitive.
I pander to him because I feel guilty and because he makes me feel very small.

Some time ago I made lunch for my family.  My mother said I should feed my brother before he came to a complete stop.  She needed him to continue working on the house.  I made an off-hand comment about it being poisonous as I have a tendency to devalue most things I do.  My brother and I have different senses of humor (and there's a nine year age difference).  He then attacked me for my comment.  But then goes and makes far worse ones.
I could see that he'd internalized my previous comment.  Maybe I should refrain from making any such comments at all in the future.  Although some days I do wish he'd just go jump in the lake.

I was thinking about my need to leave home.  It's a difficult decision to make (but one everyone outside my family home would endorse).
It's difficult going when I feel indebted to them.  It would also mean leaving the farm and pets, etc.  Plus I would need references, etc for a new place which I don't have because I am socially inept.
Although there are many reasons to stay (and some are valid) I feel I need to leave in order for things to change.  I keep perceiving that they can be achieved at home but I never seem able too or able to maintain a change.
My mother makes me feel extremely uncontained (especially around food) and I find myself constantly sabotaging health strategies I've implemented.  I think for some reason we all just feed off each others chaos.  (Feed.  Pre-verbal?  Projections??)
My T said behavior at home could legally be defined as sexual abuse and that also makes things difficult.  I blame myself for being so sensitive.

On balance, there are more reasons to leave than stay.
Probably also a part of me doesn't want to reject them when they need help.  I guess they always need help though and I get tired of living from one crisis to the next.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to have some stability.
My parents also have health issues which concern me (but aren't my responsibility).  A lot of the time it feels like I'm living with geriatrics or in a rest home.  My parents aren't that old though.  They've aged well beyond their years though.  Which is sad and kills me to see.  Yet I am doing the same thing to myself.  I don't want my life to be an exact replica of theirs.

I have also wondered if my recent health issues (breast stuff, etc) have been a result of stress.  It just concerns me that stress has sped up my aging process and is adversely affecting my life.

My life feels like an inescapable prison -in more ways than one.
Stuck, defeated and yes, depressed.  Competent??

J
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I don't know where to start to respond.  It is a lot for me to take in and I expect it may take some time for me to process it.

I'm not yet willing to concede it is purely an emotional, and not physical, issue.
Our physiology, in large, is determined by our anatomy.  I don't know if that follows or where cognitions or emotions, etc fit in.
Stephen Hawking seems dysfunctional yet extremely functional.
Insight and awareness and ambition vs ability.
This must be pre-verbal as I'm struggling to articulate thoughts.
I envisage a triangle with physical at the bottom and emotional at the top.  It could be the other way round like an ice-berg with the visible (the physical) at the top.
The chimp who had a body transplant was said to have died from emotional trauma (and not physical trauma).

I think I'm confusing the issue.  I was just viewing physical attributes, etc as the base.
I understand what you're saying.  Perhaps I just view physical defects as being permanent and I'm throwing in emotional issues to avoid change, personal responsibility, fear of failure and of being judged.
I liked your comment about images, values and interpretations and I think that applies here.

The old saying of, 'sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me', kind of does an injustice to emotional wounds.  In many instances I expect the emotional is more profound than the physical.

Hurt and not damaged.  I think I can re-frame using that.  I think I am, at times, highly suggestible (although many would disagree) and when others say I'm damaged (as in damaged by the mhs) or have a stagnant personality I tend to feel overwhelmed or undermined and accept their perspectives as being more valid than my own.  In some respects it makes me feel de-humanized (worthless, powerless and helpless).

I am guilty of thinking the mhs should compensate me for the 'hurt' and distress they have caused (?and continue to cause).
I am not looking for monetary gain but emotional closure (and personal growth).

Maybe a sick role also seeks for others to be accepting and non-judging??
My family seem to care very little when I'm sick so that sometimes makes me question whether I'm ever enough.  When I'm at my most vulnerable shouldn't I be able to expect unconditional love?  All I ever hear is I am bad, worthless, useless.
Am I subconsciously blaming my family (my parents) for my issues?  And holding both them and myself to ransom??
Family dynamics are complex.

When I engage and participate I don't dwell (excessively) on my limitations and mh issues.

So, something I am still not doing is holding me back.

I have been thinking about relocating but feel this immense burden and responsibility to my family.  I feel smothered at home.
Perhaps that is the change I need to make to start making a difference.

Thank you for your insights and wisdom.

I have started reading your book again and are up to chapter 4 -Your Self-Doubt Layer.  I am a little impatient and really just want to do the exercises.

Thanks again.
J
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I feel anxious about potentially triggering others but also feel a need to ask this question.

There has been several stories of incidents involving overdoses in the media recently.
The incidents have involved large quantities of medications and the people have appeared, in my opinion, 'damaged'.

I have been admitted to icu twice having taken variable quantities of medication both with and without alcohol.
During my first admission I had a three minute tonic-clonic seizure in ed.  I had low bp, hr and urine output, etc.  My gcs fluctuated between 3 and 15.  Nil spontaneous breaths were recorded.  I was intubated and in icu for approx. a week.
During my second admission I had major tinnitis, etc and felt like I had a hole behind my left eye.  Almost as if I had been shot there.

Doctors clear patients from a medical perspective, but are they really OK?
From my experience, I think it takes a long time to get over the physical aspects of something like this (nine months-one year).  Do they ever?

I'm not sure what the motivation behind the question is.
Issues in my life have again bought up existential issues.

My first od actually robbed me of an innocence/ ignorance about death.  I now have more of an acceptance/ fear attitude which can vary dramatically based on my mh.
My previous T spoke of both life and death drives which did help with issues I had at the time.  Now, I'm floundering a little believing I just need to learn to accept death and going through the grief process will help with this.  I don't know if it does yet.

Anyway, then I think existential issues may be the result of identity issues.
I am confused by 'life symptoms' vs 'diagnostic labels'.
I was devastated when I was first labeled.
After the initial shock and grief and despair and feeling of victimization of being given an additional label (because of not accepting the first) I thought if only I could be symptom free (free of all diagnostic criteria).  I gave myself a time period to be symptom (criteria) free.  And to have a gaf of 100.  It didn't work.
I think perhaps on some level I may over-identify with the label.  Perhaps I use the criteria and the label to define me and my behavior.

I don't really understand this either.  I'm wondering if this has something to do with my compromise formation as a patient in a sick role.

I am very highly defended against both life symptoms and diagnostic labels.

Is this all just about my feeling damaged or broken as an individual with (?mh) issues?  
Can a damaged person ever be fixed?  Do people just need to learn to adapt to their new potential??  Whatever that may be.  That just seems to represent more losses.

So many questions.

J
Helpful - 0

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