Aa
severe family issue
My life is miserable because of 1 woman, my grandmother. Some 6-7 years ago I became disabled with mental issues, I'm too afraid to leave the house most of the time cause of severe dissociate, anxiety depression disorders. I'm now 31 and my grandmother who raised me let me move back in 7 years ago. All my life, but especially since her mother and my granddad died, she's become very mean. I wish I could just explain, but it's hard. Like I have no where else to turn except living on the streets because of my disorder. I'm a calm, idealistic sort of person. My younger brother probalby would be too, but he's become near psychotic due to her too I think.
Look, I'm trying to explain.. this woman is never satisfied. Even before my granddad died 5 years ago, all my life there was this mantra in my family of this manufactured "making grandmothers life hell" when no one ever does any d@mn thing that she doesn't create. Random example, it's 70 degrees outside, she leaves the house, and I turn off the heater. We know what a sane person does when they return if they're cold, but what does she do? She goes into my room while I'm outside and rip the power plugs to my computer and TV out of the wall without turning them off first. She is CONSTANTLY on me and putting me down; see, thing is, she does help me with living but I often compare her behavoir as feeding a dog gourmet food but beating it after it's done...after the dog yells and complains they are mis-treated, the grandmother turns saying "look at the things I do for you, are you never grateful for anything, look at the money I spend on you!" But then the dog, beaten turns and says "but you also are cruel to me, you are my only family, why do you do me this way...to your closest relative...the one you raised from age 10?" Then grandmother begins a list of threats (she has done threats all my life..."i'm going to disconnect your phone, i'm going to sell your car, i'm going to turn off your internet"...
(CONTINUED BELOW)
Look, I'm trying to explain.. this woman is never satisfied. Even before my granddad died 5 years ago, all my life there was this mantra in my family of this manufactured "making grandmothers life hell" when no one ever does any d@mn thing that she doesn't create. Random example, it's 70 degrees outside, she leaves the house, and I turn off the heater. We know what a sane person does when they return if they're cold, but what does she do? She goes into my room while I'm outside and rip the power plugs to my computer and TV out of the wall without turning them off first. She is CONSTANTLY on me and putting me down; see, thing is, she does help me with living but I often compare her behavoir as feeding a dog gourmet food but beating it after it's done...after the dog yells and complains they are mis-treated, the grandmother turns saying "look at the things I do for you, are you never grateful for anything, look at the money I spend on you!" But then the dog, beaten turns and says "but you also are cruel to me, you are my only family, why do you do me this way...to your closest relative...the one you raised from age 10?" Then grandmother begins a list of threats (she has done threats all my life..."i'm going to disconnect your phone, i'm going to sell your car, i'm going to turn off your internet"...
(CONTINUED BELOW)
Your Grandmother doesn't sound narcissistic.
I disliked my paternal grandmother. She was OK but very abrasive. I think it's a generation thing. Different lifestyle, different values. Some people just really struggle to connect to the humanity that lies beneath it all. I did.
My pop was cool, but scary. Once I hid several cartons of his smokes -that wasn't pretty. He would say I had green fingers and hassle me a lot.
I guess my grandmother (my nana) was the opposite of what he was to me. Perhaps I was offended by comments that were made after his death. Perhaps I held my nana responsible for those. Perhaps it also has something to do with my father (he was and still is a mummy's boy). My father I believe is narcissistic.
My maternal grandmother sounds a bit like yours. She hated my mother but was good to others. I found her OK but her and my mum never got on.
Perhaps their relationship is similar to the one I have with my mum. We can talk but she can also be very critical, judgmental and rejecting.
I'm kind of going through a bit of a crisis at the moment and my mum just says, get a job, they're (the mhs) not going to help you. I don't know. She just seems to think that everything is so simplistic. I'm sure if it were that easy I would have done it. I just feel that there's no validation for other stuff. I don't think there's any understanding about how draining emotional issues are. Or of how challenging they are to try and over-come.
What you say reminds me of what one of the forum experts said to me. He suggested I look up complex-ptsd. It's that sense of feeling trapped.
Your grandmother my be harsh because she misses her spouse. There are lots of issues old people are confronted with. Life isn't exactly easy for them either.
Living on the streets isn't really an option either. I often think about running away -from home, from life. There's no running away from ourselves.
My big idea was to get a $20 hut pass and go live in one of the Department of Conservation (DoC) huts. That was never going to happen.
One time when I was very motivated to move out of home my parents then said that they wouldn't be my primary caregivers. So? If you become unwell then they can admit you to the psych ward and give you ect. What??
My parents give out mixed messages. Stay, go. No, we need you. No, we don't care if she dies. And they wonder why I'm so messed up?
Is it others whom are never satisfied, or us? Isn't it about us and our expectations? Especially about our expectations of how we believe others should behave.
My grandmother was paranoid about the cold and getting the flu.
Maybe it's about the power bill and not the temperature or the appliances.
Sometimes people who don't understand the significance pull out a plug without being aware of the potential damage it can do.
I'm 'green' in the sense that I don't like leaving excess lights on or leaving stuff on stand-by. Some people just frustrate me when they give no thought to the environment. The country is asked to save power and there are companies with truck loads of lights on (with people sitting at home). Hello!
I think our families are enmeshed and they enable us to a degree. They don't help us better ourselves (or themselves for that matter). I like that analogy of teaching a man to fish. Throwing us a fish or a dog bone isn't gone to help us much. What have we learnt?
It sounds a bit like a dilemma I have. I can't afford to feed all the animals (none of which are mine) but if I take them to the spca they are likely to be put down.
Are they better off being dead or living a life which is somewhat lacking? What would I choose for myself?
I don't think people have the resources to meet our needs? These people will never meet our emotional needs no matter how much we want them too or how long we wait. They are incapable of doing this.
My grandmother had this thing where each Christmas when we would travel over to visit her she would call my aunt and uncle and insist we meet with them. We're polite but we don't like each other all that much. It was a chore and we all hated it. It's hard to explain. We'll converse but we have so little in common.
The doctor's right but it feels so good to vent about relationships and have those feelings validated. It can feel rejecting having family not understand. If our family don't like us or love us ...?? It can make it hard to trust others. Plus I think it can leave us feeling very insecure. It's seriously affected my sense of self-worth.
I stay at home too because I need to fix things or have them whole. Maybe you're the same if you're an idealistic sort of person. Subconsciously I probably can't leave until things are perfect or near perfect.
My T said that I will never be able to fix my family, etc. I can only fix me.
That's depressing but it reinforces the importance of independence.
Sometimes by making our own lives work we help make others work as well.
Psychotherapy is the best way through all this. Just make sure you find a good one.
I disliked my paternal grandmother. She was OK but very abrasive. I think it's a generation thing. Different lifestyle, different values. Some people just really struggle to connect to the humanity that lies beneath it all. I did.
My pop was cool, but scary. Once I hid several cartons of his smokes -that wasn't pretty. He would say I had green fingers and hassle me a lot.
I guess my grandmother (my nana) was the opposite of what he was to me. Perhaps I was offended by comments that were made after his death. Perhaps I held my nana responsible for those. Perhaps it also has something to do with my father (he was and still is a mummy's boy). My father I believe is narcissistic.
My maternal grandmother sounds a bit like yours. She hated my mother but was good to others. I found her OK but her and my mum never got on.
Perhaps their relationship is similar to the one I have with my mum. We can talk but she can also be very critical, judgmental and rejecting.
I'm kind of going through a bit of a crisis at the moment and my mum just says, get a job, they're (the mhs) not going to help you. I don't know. She just seems to think that everything is so simplistic. I'm sure if it were that easy I would have done it. I just feel that there's no validation for other stuff. I don't think there's any understanding about how draining emotional issues are. Or of how challenging they are to try and over-come.
What you say reminds me of what one of the forum experts said to me. He suggested I look up complex-ptsd. It's that sense of feeling trapped.
Your grandmother my be harsh because she misses her spouse. There are lots of issues old people are confronted with. Life isn't exactly easy for them either.
Living on the streets isn't really an option either. I often think about running away -from home, from life. There's no running away from ourselves.
My big idea was to get a $20 hut pass and go live in one of the Department of Conservation (DoC) huts. That was never going to happen.
One time when I was very motivated to move out of home my parents then said that they wouldn't be my primary caregivers. So? If you become unwell then they can admit you to the psych ward and give you ect. What??
My parents give out mixed messages. Stay, go. No, we need you. No, we don't care if she dies. And they wonder why I'm so messed up?
Is it others whom are never satisfied, or us? Isn't it about us and our expectations? Especially about our expectations of how we believe others should behave.
My grandmother was paranoid about the cold and getting the flu.
Maybe it's about the power bill and not the temperature or the appliances.
Sometimes people who don't understand the significance pull out a plug without being aware of the potential damage it can do.
I'm 'green' in the sense that I don't like leaving excess lights on or leaving stuff on stand-by. Some people just frustrate me when they give no thought to the environment. The country is asked to save power and there are companies with truck loads of lights on (with people sitting at home). Hello!
I think our families are enmeshed and they enable us to a degree. They don't help us better ourselves (or themselves for that matter). I like that analogy of teaching a man to fish. Throwing us a fish or a dog bone isn't gone to help us much. What have we learnt?
It sounds a bit like a dilemma I have. I can't afford to feed all the animals (none of which are mine) but if I take them to the spca they are likely to be put down.
Are they better off being dead or living a life which is somewhat lacking? What would I choose for myself?
I don't think people have the resources to meet our needs? These people will never meet our emotional needs no matter how much we want them too or how long we wait. They are incapable of doing this.
My grandmother had this thing where each Christmas when we would travel over to visit her she would call my aunt and uncle and insist we meet with them. We're polite but we don't like each other all that much. It was a chore and we all hated it. It's hard to explain. We'll converse but we have so little in common.
The doctor's right but it feels so good to vent about relationships and have those feelings validated. It can feel rejecting having family not understand. If our family don't like us or love us ...?? It can make it hard to trust others. Plus I think it can leave us feeling very insecure. It's seriously affected my sense of self-worth.
I stay at home too because I need to fix things or have them whole. Maybe you're the same if you're an idealistic sort of person. Subconsciously I probably can't leave until things are perfect or near perfect.
My T said that I will never be able to fix my family, etc. I can only fix me.
That's depressing but it reinforces the importance of independence.
Sometimes by making our own lives work we help make others work as well.
Psychotherapy is the best way through all this. Just make sure you find a good one.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
The best thing you do for yourself is to do battle with your phobias and begin to find a life of independence. You must get help to challenge these fears and find a way to leave the house and find work...independence is precious, and give you new options...get the help you need and keep your focus there instead of on your grandmother.
Even before my granddad died there was this mantra all my life about "when i'm dead and gone, you boys are gonna make your grandmothers life hell"..she had him so brain washed that every one else is the problem..I hate her actions, but at the same time she is my only family. I can't explain it really, but I know she's the reason my brother and I hardly speak. She drives a wedge between people and breeds anger and animostiy between me, my mentally ill mother, and sane but very angry brother.
To her friends, sister, and stranger? She's a jewel. She's almost creepily nice. She's a pushover, and is constantly being financially drained by "repair men".
I have been talkign to a few people and someone things she is pathological narcissistic, would you possibly agree? What's my best course of action?
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