Wanting to be terminally ill

[MEIN]

I am 29 years old and something has been bugging me,  I have this great wish of being sick, and not just sick with the flu, I want to be sick and die.   That sounds so absurd but it's what I want in life.    I get jealous of people who have cancer, I want that for me.   What would possibly be driving me to want this in life?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You have received some very loving and thoughtful replies from our members, with some good possible explanations.  I don't want to guess but I can tell you something for sure.  There is an explanation, it is in your mind, and you and a good therapist together can find it, so get some help right away.

[Jaquta]

I saw a part of 'House' (tv program) last night.  Cuddy said, "She either wants the attention, or the attention dying gives her."

On some level I believe that life is all about us.
This sounds kind of similar to a discussion that took place on one of the journals over the weekend about suicide being selfish.  

J

[zack32]

When I read your post I thought WHAT.Why would any one want cancer? But  I  thought about it  and remember back to when I was younger. I remember having thoughts of wanting to be in a really bad car accident or something. I thought to myself then how absurd. I had to really sit down and meditate on why I had those feelings. The only thing I came up with at the time was that I wanted someone to take care of me. I was extremely stressed and I just wanted a brake and have someone do for me for a change. At the time I was also watching Soaps and I saw the care and adoration they received and wished it for myself. So even though I knew the stories where fake, I had to stop watching because they where influencing the way I thought. Also when I took a step back and thought about the people in my life I realized that I was loved by them, and more than I expected.
It actually took some doing volunteer work to help me realize that life isn't all about me. I hope that you realize the good people in your life and that if you ask they will help. I also hope that you never get cancer and have to live with the effects of that.

[Jaquta]

I forgot to mention earlier that thoughts of self-harm, suicide, homicide, probably even death, are aggressive drives.
They stem from anger, hatred, etc.

J

[Jaquta]

I think this question resonates too closely for me to be able to answer it objectively.  
It's reassuring to know that I am not the only one who experiences this/ has experienced it.  I asked a similar question just after Christmas.

The major difference being I never wanted to die.  I just wanted to be very, very sick.  (Broken bones, severe internal injuries and other injuries, etc).
I actually just had a thought.  These injuries reflect being broken so perhaps wanting to be sick is about someone putting me back together again.  Perhaps it is symbolic?

The dynamics are slightly different and I don't understand them.
I've heard that wanting to have a terminal illness can be a passive suicide wish.  I don't know if that is applicable here.

I felt wanting to be sick may have been about a need for nurturing and also about a way of absolving myself of responsibility.

For me also I think severe physical illness represents a tangible adversity.  I think perhaps I thought that by being challenged at the extreme, then suddenly miraculously I would be 'fixed' (I would be OK).  Again, I guess, broken bits coming together.

I never wanted the consequences that went with the illness.

I think death could represent a lot of different things.  Perhaps a feeling of taking on too much responsibility and feeling significantly overwhelmed, perhaps a sense of not being deserving of life, ...???

It's complex.  What mental health issue isn't?

The advice I was given was to talk it through with a T to find possible explanations.

I think it could also be the attention we want, attention that is usually only reserved for sick people.  I don't get the dying bit though.  Maybe it's a need for others to be remorseful and to feel loss??

I was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year and believe me it is not something you want.  I have taken advantage of it at times though.  My family don't understand mental illness but they do understand cancer.  Sad really.  I've needed support and understanding for my mental health issues but it's never been forthcoming.  Perhaps by converting our mental pain into physical pain we can come to understand the intensity of our distress??

J